Jokes Archieve - Text Based

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Embarrassing Moments

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like
tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU
PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

 

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I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word...he knew better.

 

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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentleman
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

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My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

 

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While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

 

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A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.
One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of an Asian , see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer."
The hick says, "How can you tell?"
The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

 

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f you think that sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears.

Q. How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe?
A. In snatches.

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

 

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Two old queens (Jim and John) had been together for many years and one day, Jim died.
Then John asked all his mates to come round for the wake.
Once they had all arrived, they asked to see Jim’s body. John told them that it would be impossible, as he had made Jim into a curry.
Everyone was shocked and asked John why he had done this.
John replied, “I just wanted to feel him slowly slip out of my arse one more timeâ€

 

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"Dad, I think the vicar is a homosexual."
"What makes you think that son?"
"Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him."

How can you tell if a guy is a queer?
He gets a hard-on while you're fucking him in the ass

What happened when three poofs attacked a women?
Two of them held her down, and the other started doing her hair.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

 

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

'Okay, why not?'

'You're an IT Consultant', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

 

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Dont Marry a Programmer..

Husband : (Returning late from work) " Good evening dear..... I'm logged in.

Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning!

Husband : Syntax Error. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband : Variable not found....

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied.

Wife: Do you love me or do you love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters....

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.

Husband : It's by default.

Wife: What about your Salary?

Husband :File in use .... Try later.

Wife: What is my value in the family?

Husband :Unknown Virus :lol:

 

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Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess
what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Mom is understandably
confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a
peanut?" "No silly, it's salty!"

 

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Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something,
and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets,
and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits,
and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last
week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',
I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

 

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A Farmer And His Attorney

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and
doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued,
"who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to
pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his
testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next
to him, "You know, a good goat will do that

 

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Sex with the Straight Boys
A true life tale of what breeder boys don't want to admit
by someone who knows.

I was the guy in high school who called the band members faggot. I was the one who threw all the fem guys in the trash cans. I was the jock, I played sports, had a cool car, went out with the cheerleaders, and tried to be the all around stud.

I was QUEER.

I didn't want anyone to know, and no one did, but everyone did.

I fucked all my friends, and they sucked and fucked me. See, as long as you didn't LOOK like a fag, or WALK like a fag, or KISS another guy, you could have sex with anyone. I did, I had sex with everyone.

ALL my straight ,kick some faggot ass friends. We never talked about it, we just did it. We did it when we were drunk. We did IT when we were rolling around wrestling, we did it at night, in the head, in class when the lights went out and the movies started. WE ALL DID IT.

The dirty little secret all straight men have is that they got hard/ get hard over anything. Given the opportunity, they will CUM with anyone, anything, if they are normal.

The only guys who didn't had tiny little dicks, or some sort of COCK abnormality. And of course we never had sex with the faggots.

I got better, but lots of the QUEERS who are out there have not. They are still yelling FAGGOT out their car windows at people they don't even know, or attacking people just because they are not "straight."

I can spot the real faggot miles away, they are in their glass closets, trying to hide behind their hate and violence.

The only person they are fooling is themselves.

 

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Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers
and shoved them up his butt!!!

There once was a crooked man
Who lived in a crooked house
And had a crooked penis
At least he wasn't straight.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack me off and suck my dick.

What are little fags made of?
Dicks and butts

What are little dykes made of?
Hot clits, baby, hot clits

What are little Queers made of?
Dykes and Fags and Bisexuals
and Transgender people and etc.

 

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The was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know!

 

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Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q. What's the definition of oral sex?
A. The taste of things to come.

 

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She's Pregnant

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this
point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the
man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll screw her again!"

 

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X-Rated Bumper Stickers

Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?