Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Insomnia

A man goes to see a doctor and says to him, "I cannot sleep
every night because my neighbor upstairs makes
so much loud noise. He lets me get no sleep at all."
The doctor says, "Oh, no problem! It's easy! I'll give
you something, and you'll have a good sleep."
The next day, the man goes to see the doctor again
and complains, "I have taken the pills but still cannot sleep."
The doctor says, "Oh, my God!
They were earplugs for your ears!"

 

[melody]

Love to be six

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear -everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake,
and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous
adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it
like being six again?"

She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."

 

[melody]

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

 

[melody]

DON'T MARRY A SOFTWARE GAL (COMPUTER HUMOUR)


Never marry a "TESTING" girl since she always DOUBTS U .


Never marry a "DATABASE" girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.


Never marry a "C" girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.


Never marry a "C++" girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.


Never marry a "JAVA" girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.


Never marry a "VB" girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.


Never marry a "UNIX" girl ,she always dump u with a CORE.


Never marry a "PASCAL" girl ,she always scolds u as RASCAL.


Never marry a "COBOL" girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.


Never marry a "NETWORK" girl since she may be very good in SHOOTING PROBLEMS.


Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

 

[melody]

TRY THIS....... if u can


I Can SEE 'TEA' in A TEA-CUP
Can you SEE the WORLD in WORLD-CUP?


I can SING on Any STAGE
Can you SING in COMA-STAGE?


I can FIX my PASSPORT Size PHOTO in My PASSPORT
Can you FIX Your STAM P Size PHOTO in a STAMP?


I Can SEND My ADDRESS to Your MOBILE
Can You SEND Your MOBILE to my ADDRESS?


TRY ALL THIS........ ....
At least DO the LAST ONE.

 

[melody]

Ah Beng & Ah Lian's letter

Dear Ah Lian,

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For
me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look?
Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he
take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that
he take we all go to kalah-ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky
bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear
sari.
My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people.
So you must come with your hole family. I only hope one day we no need
to write and send letter to you and to me.

Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me.

I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to
call me.


Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

 

[melody]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum,
how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,"Well, dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only...

 

[melody]

SEXY NIPPLES YOU WILL LOVE TO ADMIRE !!!







http://img104.imageshack.us/img104/4029/pacifiertc1.png​

Did you expected something else ???​

http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/2678/laughingmousegy3.gif​

 

[melody]

Indian Name


A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big
chief and witch Doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it
that we have long names, while The white men have shorter
names like Bill, Tex, Sam...

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the
white men, who live all together and repeat their names
from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon
Over The Lake , because on the night she was born, there
was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the
Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white
horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared
near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and
the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

 

[melody]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.

I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband.
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

 

[melody]

Snacks of Humor


[1] You can become an engineer if you go to an Engineering college,
But don't expect to be a President going to the Presidency College!

*******

[2] Expect a BUS at a BUS Stop, but Don't expect a FOOL at FULLSTOP(.)

*******

[3] A Mechanical engineer becomes a mechanic
Then why not a software engineer become a software?

*******
[4] Find keys in a Key board
But do not expect a mother in mother board.

*******

[5] Study anything you want and get a certificate in subject of your studies
But don't expect a death certificate studying "Dying and Death."

 

[melody]

DOCTOR BANTA

A Doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant, "Banta, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!!

 

[melody]

OPEN WIDER..

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out."

 

[melody]

At the end of a long crime-fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings Spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

Spiderman replies, "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her. He thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

 

[melody]

SCREW ALL NITE!

It's the spring of 1957 and Joe goes to pick up his date, Peggy. Joe is a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy is not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool" says Joe.

Peggy's father asks Joe what they are planning to do. Joe replies politely that they will probably just go to the mall or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Joe and he says, ''Whaaaat?''

"Yeah," says the father, "Peggy really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Joe's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Joe escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening, kids!''

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father, ''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''

 

[melody]

Money & Men

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?”

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."


Valentine’s day gift……..

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

 

[melody]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

 

[melody]

You've Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL


Three guys talking in the pub…..

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

 

[melody]

MOM...CAN YOU BUY ME A BRA?

"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"



WHO SHOT THE BEAR?

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.
He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. ? I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!"
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.



WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"



BIOLOGY LESSON

At a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

?

?

?

?

 

[joe_gaban]

Pay up!

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


What is 2 * 2 ?

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student : "4"

All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"

Medical Student : "I memorized it."

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How to Detect a Mental Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."