Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Natural Childbirth!

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth. He asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey ..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

[melody]

Lawyer in a family

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Julie, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

 

[melody]

Bank robbery

After two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver
its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant`s attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I`m real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money

 

[melody]

Man : I know how to please a woman.
Woman : Then please leave me alone.
Man : I guess you're pretty good at pleasing yourself then.


Man : I want to give myself to you.
Woman : Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man : Oh, just cheap perfume then.


Man : You look like a dream.
Woman : Go back to sleep.
Man : You mean this isn't a nightmare?


Man : Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman : Do not enter, -OR- Stop.
Man : Really? You look more like a "Yield."


Man : Your body is like a temple.
Woman : Sorry, there are no services today.
Man : Here's a donation to restore the exterior.


Man : What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Woman : What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Man : You're right. I was lying.


Man : Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman : Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man : Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's room anyway.


Man : So, what do you do for a living?
Woman : I'm a female impersonator.
Man : So that's how you got the moustache.


Man : "Want to dance?"
Woman : "No, thank you."
Man : "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."


Man : You're pretty
Woman : Piss off.
Man : Don't interrupt, You're pretty....... ugly.

 

[melody]

Why One Should Never Visit a Five Star Hotel...

Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea please.

Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea.

Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: White

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
Answer: With milk.

Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
Answer: With cow milk please.

Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I'll take it black.

Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.

Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.

Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water.

Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I'll rather die of thirst.

 

[melody]

At last, god appeared to humans and said:

"I have come to assess the situation of my creation.
I want men to form two queues - one queue for
men who dominated their women, and the other
for men who were dominated by their women.
Further, I want all the women to go away so that no
man and woman can talk while the queues are formed"

When God came back after a while, the women are gone
and there are two queues. The queue for the men who
were dominated by their women is 100 miles long.
In the other queue, there is only one man.

God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed
of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you
are not using what you can. Look at the only
one of my sons who stood up in the other queue
and made me proud. Learn from him!"

The men did not give reply.

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the
only one in this queue?"

The man replied, "I do not know sir! My wife told me
to stand here."

 

[melody]

Rules for women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

***********

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

***********

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

***********

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

***********

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

***********

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

***********

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

***********

7. Crying is blackmail.

***********

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

***********

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

***********

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

***********

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

***********

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

***********

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

***********

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

***********

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer .

 

[melody]

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

 

[melody]

GOLF BALLS

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad

and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them @ $10 per dozen ."

 

[melody]

Power of women

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Poor guy, he had only been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

[sakuraguy]

Nice ones mel .. :)

 

[melody]

A LOVE STORY:

HERO loves HEROINE, but HEROINE loves VILLAIN, but VILLIAN loves HERO SISTER, but HERO SISTER loves

HEROINE BROTHER, but HEROINE BROTHER loves VILLAIN SISTER, but VILLIAN SISTER loves HERO BROTHER, but HERO

BROTHER loves HEROINE, but HEROINE loves VILLIAN. Finally two people


Commit suicide …………….who are they………….
.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
DIRECTOR & PRODUCER.

 

[melody]

GIRLS POLICY:

FRAUD with INNOCENT boys.
FUN with HANDSOME boys.
FRIENDSHIP with SMART boys.
LOVE with FAITHFULL boys.
MARRIAGE with RICH boys.



BOYS POLICY:

MALAYSIA is our NATION
GIRLS are our DESTINATION
FLIRTING is our PROFESSION
****** is our OCCUPATION
do hell with our EDUCATION.

 

[melody]

Losing Weight

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign. "If I catch you, you're mine."

 

[melody]

Lipstick

In a certain private school in Sydney, a number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done .

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night - ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror ..

 

[melody]

1) BRAIN TUMOR :

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!


2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL :

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
the answer is 6!!


3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!


5) MARRAIGE:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and
4worse.


6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't
see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:

Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!


8 ) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because
of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3
hrs.


9) SPELLING:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c
or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure.

 

[melody]

Teacher vs Ram


Teacher : Why have you come late ?

Ram : Sorry sir ! I was in such a hurry that I forgot to think of a new excuse..

Teacher : Tell me the truth.

Ram : Err...I came late becz of the sign

Teacher : Sign... what sign

Ram : The sign which said "school ahead go slow "

************ *****

Teacher : Ram.. when all the students are sitting on the floor why are you sitting in the table

Ram : Sir... that day you adviced us to do multiplication using tables.

************ ******

Teacher : Ram... Tell a sentence using the letter " I "

Ram : I is.......... .

Teacher : Only, I am will come , I is will not come

Ram : Then ok..I am the ninth letter of the alphabets

************ *******

(during maths period)

Teacher : Ram...If I give you one puppy today and another tommorow then how much would you have

Ram : Five Sir......... ....Becz I already have three at home

************ ********

Teacher : Ram... How do you spell elephant

Ram : E-L-E-F-A-N- T

Teacher : It is wrong

Ram : But you asked me how I spell it

************ ********* *

Teacher : Ram....Yesterday I asked you to write two essays

Ram : Here it is sir

Teacher : One essay has been written neatly while the other has been scribled?

Ram : That is because my mother's handwriting is than my father's

************ ********* *

Teacher : Ram... why do you always score less marks in history

Ram : Because they keep on asking things which happened before I was born

 

[melody]

Woman's Revenge

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

 

[melody]

stupid Qs .. perfect answers



Are you chewing gum?

"No, I'm John Smith."


"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."

"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"



"What are you going to be when you graduate?"

"An old man"



"I spent three years in college taking medicine."

"Are you well now?"



"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"

"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."


"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."

"Who wants to eat friends?"



"We are having mother for dinner, darling."

"Make sure she's well done."



"I want some rat poison."

"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"



"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."

"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."



"May I hold your hand?"

"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."



"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"

"No, sir, only when it rains."



"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"

"Why? Is it tilted?"



"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"

"No, you'll have to walk"



"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"

"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."



"I have changed my mind."

"Thank heavens! Does it work better now?"



"Would you like your coffee black?"

"What other colors do you have​

 

[melody]

After marriage, how couples behave !!!

****** process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Sweety, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?