Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Communications Error

From : Managing Director
To : Vice President

" Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let all employees line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the employees should assemble in the Canteen."

From : Vice President
To : General Manager

" By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday."

FROM : General managers
To : Industry Managers

" By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday."

From : Industry Managers
To : Location heads

" If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing Director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o'clock."

From : Location heads
To : Marketing Executives

" Tomorrow morning at nine o'clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday."

 

[melody]

Awesome joke on HR!!....... read till the end.

HR Processes:

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human
Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)
and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now
you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee."

 

[melody]

Marriage jokes

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then,
when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.


Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!


Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

 

[melody]

The Newly Wed Couple

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence,

Because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?...

LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....

And, they lived happily ever after.

 

[melody]

A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it. Often happens in life

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(a)10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me
because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me
because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile


3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song


4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you
hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know


5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting
you and you took only my friend's because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know


6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded


7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college
because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them


Cool I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose


9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM
because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay
in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is
budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have
scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..
love,



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Girl's reply letter was also in Q/A format........



Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No

2) If a girls laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No


3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No


4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood
photo. You poked your nose inside..... right ?
(a) Yes
(b) No


5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you
understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No


6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No


7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No


Cool You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower.
Is it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No


9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No


If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not
loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the
meaning of Love.

 

[melody]

Attitude.....

A man wakes up home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table :
Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you.

He goes to the kitchen.
Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him.

His son is also at the table, eating.
The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and also clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that ! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

" LADY, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME ! I'M MARRIED !'"

 

[melody]

Bad times....

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

[melody]

Sardar & Tyson


One rainy day a Sardar was travelling by his new FERRARI car. He was not a very good driver and so did not have complete control on it.

Mike Tyson was also riding his bike on the same road. At a speed breaker Sardar's car came in contact with Tyson's bike

Tyson got very angry. He dragged Sardar out of the car and threw him a Few yards away from the car.

Tyson then drew a small circle around Sardar and shouted "Hey!! It's not easy for you to damage my bike and get away.

Now I will be thrashing your car. You should stay inside this circle and watch me smash your Car.

If you come out of the circle, I will kill you immediately".

Then Tyson turned towards the car and he smashed its side indicators.

Then he looked at Sardar. Sardar looked at Tyson's sarcastically.

Tyson's anger grew and he smashed the window panes and then again looked at Sardar. Sardar grinned at Tyson.

Tyson was confused. Tyson could now not at all control his anger and he broke the side doors and tore away the seats of the car.

Then he again looked at Sardar. Sardar was laughing so hard that he could hardly stand. This time Tyson came to Sardar and he told "oh! What is this? I am spoiling your expensive car and you are so happy about it?"

Sardar replied "Every time you turned towards the car I was out of the circle and you did not notice it!!

 

[melody]

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

 

[sakuraguy]

Mel .. good ones :) .. this is one of the largest thread in ZTH built by Mel .. :)

 

[melody]

Three fastest means of communication

1.Tele-phone
2.Tele-vision
3.Tell-a-woman............. Want it still faster?
Tell her not to tell "ANY ONE"

 

[melody]

Men are like....

Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


1. Men are like . .... Laxatives . ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ..... . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots .......... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

 

[melody]

The Career Choice

An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.

Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"

 

[melody]

EXCLUSIVE​

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/9030/balloonsgc0.png​

 

[melody]

4 letter word

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?'

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'

Her mother said, 'Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

 

[melody]

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......


9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

 

[melody]

Entry to Heaven

"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

 

[melody]

Marriage should be like Fishing

A marriage license should be like a fishing license, it expires every year and if you go fishing out of state you can get a 3 days license.

If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common, they are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat, also if you decide to mount one, you know is going to cost you plenty!

If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always better.

Please, practice Catch and Release!

 

[melody]

What's Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?

 

[melody]

Who's the Father?

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.

He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."

Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."