Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Mel - I really you

tq..:embarassed:

 

[melody]

Graduation.. in Lebanon!.......Funny


http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/9542/1arabfun01wt9.jpg

 

[melody]

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to
hell.

Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and
see

how everybody is doing there." She called and talked for about 5
minutes,

then she asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the
call????

The devil says "Five million dollars".



The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her
chair.



Thief was so jealou! s, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call
the my group

members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"



He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well,
devil

how much do I need to pay for the call????



The devil says "Ten million dollars".

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit
back on

his chair.



Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to
call my

IT friends too",



He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about
various

technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked,
then he

asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????



The devil says "Twenty dollars".



Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"



Devil says



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scroll down




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"Calling! hell to hell is local"

 

[melody]

WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?

BCOZ

(H)ousing

(U)nderstanding

(S)haring

(B)uying

(A)nd

(N)ever

(D)emanding

 

[melody]

WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?

Because:

(W)ashing

(I)roning

(F)ood

(E)ntertainment

 

[melody]

At the gates of Heaven...

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go
to Heaven.

St. Peter is there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting
crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that
there will be a test to get into Heaven: They each will have to
answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed
into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: "That would have
been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and figuring that Heaven
doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into
heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228", to which St. Peter says "That happens
to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

 

[melody]

Nice Tongue Twisters


A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook
Cookies

____________ _________ _______


I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw .


____________ _________ _______



Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said " this butter's bitter!
But a bit of better butter will but make my butter better" So she bought some
Better butter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better so
'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter!


____________ _________ _______



Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that
The big black bug bit?


____________ _________ _______



A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug
Back.


____________ _________ _______



If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!


____________ _________ _______



I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.


____________ _________ _______



RED BULB BLUE BULB RED BULB BLUE BULB

____________ _________ _______



"RED BLOOD BLUE BLOOD"

____________ _________ _______



I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the
Witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.


____________ _________ _______



If a sledering snail went down a slippery slide would a snail sleder or
Slide down the slide- By S.Walton


____________ _________ _______



Bubble bobble, bubble bobble, bubble bobble


____________ _________ _______



These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue .


____________ _________ _______



Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.


____________ _________ _______



You curse, I curse, we all curse, for asparagus!


____________ _________ _______



Double bubble gum, bubbles double.


____________ _________ _______



A sailor went to sea To see, what he could see. And all he could see
Was sea, sea, sea.


____________ _________ _______




A box of mixed biscuits, a mixed biscuit box.


____________ _________ _______



Upper roller lower roller Upper roller lower roller. ...


____________ _________ _______



Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People


____________ _________ _______



If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which
Watch?


____________ _________ _______



Which watch did which witch wear and which witch wore which watch? .


____________ _________ _______



Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.


____________ _________ _______



I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I
Wouldn't have thought so much.


____________ _________ _______



Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a
Fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a
Fellow means?"


____________ _________ _______



How much wood could a wood chuck; chuck if a wood chuck could chuck
Wood


____________ _________ _______



I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!


____________ _________ _______



An Ape hates grape cakes.


____________ _________ _______



She sells sea shells on the sea shore she sells sea shells no more


____________ _________ _______



I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. And on a slitted sheet I sit. I slit a
Sheet, a sheet I slit. The sheet I slit, that sheet was it.


____________ _________ _______



Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.


____________ _________ _______



SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE ,
BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS,
ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

____________ _________ _______



A skunk sat on a stump. The stump thought the skunk stunk. The skunk
Thought the stump stunk . What stunk the skunk or the stump?


____________ _________ _______



The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside
Outside his inside inn.


____________ _________ _______



If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the
Doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or
Does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?


____________ _________ _______



Baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon
Bamboo, baboon bamboo......


____________ _________ _______



My Bhaiya buys black Bananas by the bunch.


____________ _________ _______



The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne
Throughout Thursday.


____________ _________ _______



Daddy draws doors.Daddy draws doors.Daddy draws doors.


____________ _________ _______



Do tongue twisters twist your tongue?


____________ _________ _______



Friendly Fleas and Fire Flies


____________ _________ _______



If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not
Worth noticing.

____________ _________ _______



Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, FuzzyWuzzy wasn't very
fuzzy... was he???


____________ _________ _______



How many cans can a canner can, if a canner can can cans?
A canner can can as many cans as a canner can, if a canner can can
cans.


____________ _________ _______



How much wood could a wood chopper chop, if a wood chopper could chop
wood?


____________ _________ _______



If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug
bleed?


____________ _________ _______



If Freaky Fred Found Fifty Feet of Fruit and Fed Forty Feet to his
Friend Frank how many Feet of Fruit did Freaky Fred Find?


____________ _________ _______



Penny's pretty pink piggy bank


____________ _________ _______



"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the
doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the
doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"


____________ _________ _______



A tutor who tooted the flute, tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said
the two to the tutor, 'Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to
toot?'


____________ _________ _______



One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.


____________ _________ _______



Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
wheres the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

____________ _________ _______



Black bug's blood.
Crisp crusts crackle and crunch.


____________ _________ _______



It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you
off in!


____________ _________ _______



Tie a knot, tie a knot.
Tie a tight, tight knot.
Tie a knot in the shape of a nought.


____________ _________ _______



Freshly-fried fat flying fish


____________ _________ _______



Rubber baby-buggy bumpers.


____________ _________ _______



Jolly juggling jesters jauntily juggled jingling jacks.

 

[melody]

World's Smallest Resignation Letter.....

Dear Sir,
















I Love Your Wife.


















Thank You............​

 

[sakuraguy]

Nice resignation letter, simple n easy .. anyone interested? .. kekekekek .. here's mine ..

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down .. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.

.. It's a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent fu??er," She screamed at him,

"How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy .. and you explain the kids."

 

[sakuraguy]

Another one, sorry I got it from email, It's in Bahasa Melayu.

Samy Vellu Again ..

Samy Vellu ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.

Samy Vellu: " .. Bagi saya program angkasawan negara ke bulan, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat. Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergi matahari. Barulah Amerika Syarikat dan Russia respect sama kita .."

Penemuramah: Tapi Dato' Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana kita mau pergi sana?

Samy: Chit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun jadi mintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang hari, manyak panas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuk ..

Penemuramah: ??!!??

 

[melody]

SG, i hv the English version..
dunno put where ady..

 

[melody]

LET'S TALK...

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

 

[sakuraguy]

hahahaha .. mel .. its very fun

 

[melody]

Three Sardarjs in Singapore

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30. Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.

After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.

Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys were in my pocket only". With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this"

 

[melody]

Funny and True.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of keeping a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[melody]

Shopping for a Husband


A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

 

[melody]

Sardar in US

Sardarji went to US to live with his brother. Sardarji's Brother owns an apple shop in US.

One day he asked his brother to stay at the shop because he had to go somewhere.

He asked his brother if somebody comes to shop and ask for the apple's price, tell them $2 a pound. If somebody questions whether these apples are sweet or sour, tell them some are sweet and some are not. If some body says I do not want to buy, tell them somebody else will buy.

Now the sardarji was ready to sell the apples.

A lady comes and asks sardarji, Do you know what time it is ? Sardarji replied $2 a pound.

Lady said; all sardarji's are idiot and fools.
Sardarji replied, some are some are not.

Lady got frustrated and said, I will take you to police station.
Sardarji replied, if you will not take me some body else will take

 

[melody]

The difference between men talking & women talking...



TWO WOMEN TALKING :
============ ========= ========= ====

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I
Mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
Take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
...
...
...
....
....
...
...
...
...

NOW TWO MEN TALKING
============ ========= ========= ========

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

 

[sakuraguy]

hahahaha .. women = complex and men = simple ..

anyway i like the "Shopping for a Husband" .. impossible to please a woman, she wants like mad :P

 

[speed44]

LET'S TALK...

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

Ha ha ha , very good one