Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Missed Call​

Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired using cell phones and for a change decided to use really ancient methods of communication. They decided to use pigeons to send messages.

So they went and bought expensive carrier pigeons from the Jama Masjid market in old Delhi and found to their joy that the pigeons indeed could be trained and the birds very easily learnt to return directly to their respective homes. And so this scheme worked very fine.

One day Santa sends his pigeon.

When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is without message.

Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa "What is this joke? The pigeon is without any message!!!"

Santa said "Oye khotey, this was a missed call."​

 

[sakuraguy]

hahahahaha very nice, Missed Call ;) .. i also wan buy pigeon

 

[melody]

Very interesting....


Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died


Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died


In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry.... please warn the Pope!

 

[sh@rty 5]

Er,i realiose sakuraguy heve been posting lots of jokes in the beggining of the thread.. But in one day it self he posted so many jokes... Should have posted it bit by bit.. So u still have jokes to share..
No offense... Just opinion

 

[melody]

hahaha..
now dis section seems to be dominated by me..:tongue:

 

[melody]

Jealous Husband


A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements
of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted
video of his wife's activities.


A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together
to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw
his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the
park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw
them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife
participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.


"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.


The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

 

[melody]

Hi,

One Interesting Question
What would happen,

if earth starts rotating 30 times faster than it normally does?http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/3502/j1dx2.gif

Guess what?

..

......

think +..



...........

............ ....

............ ......

............. ......... ....

............ ......... ......... ..

............ ......... ......... .......

............ .......... ......... ..

............ ......... .....

............. .........

............ .....

............

.........

.

.

.

.

.

.

..
.........


We would get salary everyday!​

http://img507.imageshack.us/img507/9035/j2ww9.gifhttp://img148.imageshack.us/img148/1157/j3xu8.gif​

 

[melody]

Teacher: what is the scientific formula for water?
Sardar: h.i.j.k.l.m.n.o.

Teacher: nonsense! how did you derive that?
Sardar: auntie, it is H to O (h2o)!

*****************

Sardar got job in a telenor call centre.
Customer: telelenor sim blocked what to do?
Sardar: dont take tension remove telenor &
put warid sim.
Thank you for calling ufone.

*****************

Sardar sent SMS to his BOSS:
“Me sick, no work”
Boss SMS back:
“When I am sick I kiss my wife try it”
2 hours later sardar sms 2 boss:
“Me ok, ur wife very sweet”

*****************

A Sardar looking at sky asks another Sardar :
Is that a sun or moon?

Other Sardar replies :
Oye ! No idea…Im new to this city..

*****************

Question: Why did 18 Sardars
go to a movie?

Answer: Because below 18
was not allowed.

*****************

A sardarji Doctor falls
in Love with a Nurse.

*****************

Sardar’s Leave application

Dear Sir,
My wife is ill.
As there is no other Husband
in the family to look after her,
Kindly grant me leave for one day.

*****************

A sardarji Doctor falls
in Love with a Nurse.

He writes a love letter to the Nurse :-
I Love U sister….

*****************

Do U know why a sardar ji kept
the door open while taking a bath?

Because he was scared that someone
might see through the “KEY HOLE”.

 

[sakuraguy]

I have jokes, but the matter of spending time and posting .. let me give a try 2moro .. damn tired .. :)

 

[melody]

This is crime story. Five friends lived in a room, Namely MAD, BRAIN, FOOL, NOBODY, SOMEBODY.
One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in bathroom, MAD called police.
MAD: Is it police station???
Police: Yes, what is the matter??
MAD: SOMEBODY killed NOBODY.
Police: Are you mad?
MAD: Yes, I"m MAD.
Police: Don`t you have BRAIN.
MAD: BRAIN is in bathroom....
Police: you FOOL...
MAD: No, FOOL is reading this joke...

 

[melody]

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY???


Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway.


I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.


Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".


I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember".


Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.


I started to the office I was feeling pretty low.


As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."


And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.


Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."


I said,! " That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.


We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place.


We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.


On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.


We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"


I said, "No, I guess not."


She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment,


she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."


"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited & i thought today is my lucky day.


She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,


she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by..........


my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And there I sat... on the couch... naked....!!!!!!

 

[melody]

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.


1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..


2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.


5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.


7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......


9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.


10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

 

[melody]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?'

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'

Her mother said, 'Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

 

[melody]

Lie Detector...


One day Jack's dad bought a robot.

The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".

Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today ".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.

His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"

"Dad I went for a movie",

"Which movie?"

"The Ten Commandments",

Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."

"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."

Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, " After all he is your son, he will be like you"

The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face.

Don't ask what the moral of the story is ??????????????????????

 

[melody]

Drunk Superhero...


Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper.
The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!''

Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!''

So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.

The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''

 

[melody]

Best Shot

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old
man replied." I've got an eighteen-year- old wife who's pregnant & delivered
a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.I
know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.

But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and
suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his
umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM !!

The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else Must have shot that lion."

"Exactly" Said the Doctor.

 

[melody]

Teacher To Student:

Can You Define Who Is LECTURER?

Student : A LECTURER Is A Person Who Has A Very Bad
Habit Of Speaking When Someone Is SLeeping.

********************

Girls are like phones.
We like to be held
and talked too-
but if u press the
wrong button
u’ll be disconnected!

********************

A girl & boy were sitting alone,
that boy started touching de girl,

Girl : dont touch me, all this only after marriage.

Boy : ok call me when u r maried.

********************

Father to son:
whenever i beat you,
you dont get annoyed,
how you control your anger?

son: i start cleaning the toilet
seat with your toothbrush

********************

Girl: When we get married,
I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It’s very kind of you,
darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

********************

Q: Hear about the terrorist
that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one
every hour if his demands weren’t met.

********************

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus
with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

********************

A man went to the Police Station wishing
to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer.

“No, no no!” said the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”

********************

Y do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It’s a formality just like two boxers
shaking hands before the fight begins!

********************

Teacher : Which is more important to us,
the sun or the moon?
Pupil : The moon.

Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night
when we need it but the sun gives us light
only in the day time when we dont need it.

*******************

Q: Do u knw y in a couple’s photo
man is on d right side & woman on d left?
A: Coz as per balance sheet,Liabilities r on d
Left Side & Assets on d Right!

*******************

 

[melody]

Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the
teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call
upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his
report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but
what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."



"Two Guys?, Brains?"

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they
caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we
can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy
asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same
boat today!?!?"

Teacher: Johnny, if your father earned $100.00
and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?
Little Johnny: A heart attack!

 

[melody]

Tongue Twisters


1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say " don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!


**********

2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.


**********

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.


**********


4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.


**********

5 .
Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People


**********

6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?


**********

7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.


**********

8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"


**********

9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside.


Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.

Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.


**********

10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES


**********

11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.


**********

12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?


"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"


**********

13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot.

Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.


**********

14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely .


**********

15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue


**********

16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.


**********

17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw .....

 

[evochin]

Mel - I really you