JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple had been ****** for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

=====

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.

 

[melody]

ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,

 

[melody]

Rescue Squad

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.

I thought he was cuming, but I guess he was going..."

=====

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.

The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.

She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.

"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.

"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.

"Give me a look," said little Johnny.

She lifted her skirt and showed him.

"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding, some bastard's cut off your cock!"

 

[melody]

Twins On A Date

Jim Bob and Julie Sue were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom.
So Julie Sue asked Jim Bob to go with her.

Jim Bob said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross."

Julie Sue said, "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date,
you'll take me." So Jim Bob said okay.

Well, Jim Bob couldn't find a date so he went with Julie Sue. They
were just standing by the punch bowl, and Julie Sue asked Jim Bob to
dance.
Jim Bob said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross."

Julie Sue said, "Come on. It'll be fun."

So Jim Bob said okay, and they had a great time. After the dance,
Julie Sue asked Jim Bob to take her to Makeout Hill.

Jim Bob said, "No, you're my sister, It would be gross."

Julie Sue said, "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore."

So Jim Bob said okay. They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Julie
Sue moved to the backseat.

Julie Sue said, "Come on, Jim Bob, take me."

Jim Bob didn't argue.

When he moved on top of her, Julie Sue murmured, "You're a lot bigger
than dad."

Jim Bob said back, "I know. Mom told me last night."

=====
There are many ways to say I love you, but fucking is the fastest. As
whispered to me by a very naughty lady

What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A crack in the ceiling.

A genius is any man who can adjust the thermostat to please his wife.

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two
hours?
Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

 

[melody]

Daddy And Mommy

This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
With Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,"But honey,
You haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs
In the room with Mommy,right now."

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then,
This is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table,
Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
And shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
Just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,

Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl
Comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed
With no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head
On the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed
With no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
And he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
That you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
And I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?"

=====

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[melody]

Jeffrey Dahmer
Jeffrey Dahmer walked in to his appointment with a
psychiatrist and said, "Everything I tell you is confidential,
right?"
"Absolutely!"
"In that case, I have these terrible urges sometimes.
I pick up a faggot, take him back to my apartment, drug
him, torture him for hours, kill him, fuck his corpse, cut
him up into pieces, then save the penises and heads
in my refrigerator and take pictures of them. Afterwards,
I always feel guilty."
"Holy shit!" said the shrink, unprofessionally,
"That's the most shocking thing I ever heard in my life! Of
course, I'll help you control these urges."
"That's not why I'm here, doc. It's to get rid of
that guilt."
=====
Q: How do you make a blonde marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: How is a blonde like a turtle?
A: Once you get her on her back, she's fucked.

 

[melody]

Hard To Get It In

A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first
time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He
tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her
and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's
so tight I can barely take it."

She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little
easier."

He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she
returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He
slides in again, and this time it's much easier.

"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in
there?"

"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."

=====

There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

 

[melody]

Technical Support
(Oh.... Some People Are Truly STUPID)


Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but
it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the
CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.................thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a, as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse,
it disappears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a printer problem.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his printer is working fine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And last but not least:

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

 

[melody]

Vegetarian Or Vegan

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...

Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or Vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:

1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process.

2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.

Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.

You're still my favorite lap dance,

Can you guys imagine ****** one of these gals?

I can see it in my mind's eye; your Vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.

She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."

Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a Vegan.

=====

After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don’t like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she’s a good cook and the kids seem to like her."

 

[melody]

Maternity Ward

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked
by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the
birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno
movie. The leading man was black".

"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm
sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must
also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the
movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I
hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also
in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the
girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to bark!"

=====

Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"

 

[melody]

The Good, Bad & Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
**************
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
*************
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
**************
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
***************
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
**************
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
*****************
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
***************
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
***************
Good: Your son is ****** someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
**************
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
=====
What's this?

"Give it here!"
"NO, IT'S MINE!"
"I said let me have it!"
"NO! IT'S MY TURN!"
"Come on! Give it to me!"
"NO WAY!"

Siamese twins whacking off.

 

[melody]

Nasty Tasteless Jokes

For the ladies out there......

What do women and prawns have in common?
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

What's worse than your dentist telling you, you have herpes?
Your mother telling you.

What do you call a gay man who's had a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.

=====

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

=====

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."

"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."
=======
A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.

She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"

So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off"=======
After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.

He asks "Do you want more sex?"

"No" she replies, "I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine."

=====

Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute ?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

Q: Why do women call it PMS ?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

 

[melody]

Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front
door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by
my fingernails! "

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were
only SIX inches off the ground!!"

 

[melody]

Advertising Agency

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

=====

As the elevator car left our floor,
Big Sue caught her tits in the door;
She yelled a good deal,
But had they been real,
She'd have yelled considerably more.

 

[melody]

Bridging The Gap

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent
river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to
do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the
strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong
legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me
the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability,
and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.


How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

Why are lesbians so lazy?
Because they don't do dick and they always eat out!

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

 

[melody]

True Fact:


TRUE FACT: Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm
(X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows
them down but allows them to live longer.


THEREFORE: Males with longer penises tend to produce more male
offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm
cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have
more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg,
Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."


CONCLUSION: Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your
father had a big dick.

====
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.

 

[melody]

Bar Translations: What They Really Mean...

"No, really, I'm OK to drive." -- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts." -- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me." -- We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." -- Happy hour is about to end....now beers are 2 pounds, but by the next round they'll be 4 pounds a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time." -- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Let's get out of here." -- I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (female) -- I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (male) -- I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already." -- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?" -- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse me." (male to male) -- Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female). -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." -- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 pounds and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?" -- What's cheap?

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." -- I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

"That person looks really familiar." -- Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paypack in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?" -- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 19.

=====

Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle"
"But it's not cunnilingual"
"And that's how orgasms are made."

 

[melody]

"Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed.
After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave
you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf.
Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.
Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true.
The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer
than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual
organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

 

[melody]

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

______________________________
I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me
______________________________

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"


Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm
gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

=====

~ Q ~
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
~ A ~
They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

~ Q ~
Why do men like jacking off in front of a mirror?
~ A ~
Because objects appear larger than they really are!

=====

What do you call a homosexual's athletic supporter?
A fruit cup.
=====
Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?"
=====
What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.
=====
Where do women pilots sit?
In the cuntpit.
=====
When is a wet dream hazardous?
When you're under a electric blanket.
=====
What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.
=====
What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.

 

[melody]

THE CLUELESS SEX QUIZ
INSTRUCTIONS:

The following quiz will reflect your sexual knowledge; or lack
thereof, depending on your response.
Read each statement carefully; answer each either True or False.

Time Limit: four hours.
True False
> * A clitoris is a type of flower [ ] [ ]
> * A pubic hair is a wild rabbit [ ] [ ]
> * A vulva is an automobile from Sweden [ ] [ ]
> * A fallopian tube is a part of a television [ ] [ ]
> * The term "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird [ ] [ ]
> * It is dangerous to have a wet dream under
> an electric blanket? [ ] [ ]
> * Copulation is sex between to consenting
> policeman [ ] [ ]
> * McDonalds "Golden Arches" is a phallus symbol [ ] [ ]
> * A vagina is a medical term used to describe
> heart trouble [ ] [ ]
> * A menstrual cycle has three wheels [ ] [ ]
> * Fellatio is an Italian Dagger [ ] [ ]
> * A G-String is a weapon used by G-Men [ ] [ ]
> * Semen is a term for sailors [ ] [ ]
> * Anus is a Greek word denoting a period of time [ ] [ ]
> * Testicles are found on an octopus [ ] [ ]
> * Cunnilingus is a person who can speak
> four languages [ ] [ ]
> * Asphalt describes rectal problems [ ] [ ]
> * Kotex is a radio station in Dallas [ ] [ ]
> * Masturbate is something used to catch large fish [ ] [ ]
> * Coitus is a musical instrument [ ] [ ]
> * Fetus is a character in Gunsmoke [ ] [ ]
> * An umbilical cord is a part of a parachute [ ] [ ]
> * A condom is an apartment complex [ ] [ ]
> * A placenta is an Italian penny [ ] [ ]
> * Hemorrhoid is the planet closest to Mars [ ] [ ]
> * "Groin" is the sound a pig makes [ ] [ ]
> * A rectum is what you are for taking this test [ ] [ ]
> * A sphincter is a statue in Egypt [ ] [ ]
> * Climax is a large weather front [ ] [ ]
> * A dildo is an extinct bird [ ] [ ]
> * Deflower is to cut roses from the garden [ ] [ ]
> * Adultery is a full grown tree [ ] [ ]
> * Foreplay has to do with golf [ ] [ ]
> * Intromission is going out for popcorn [ ] [ ]
> * Monogamy is a type of wood [ ] [ ]
> * Impotence is something significant [ ] [ ]
> * Hedonist is a religious leader [ ] [ ]
> * Labia is a country in the Middle East [ ] [ ]
> * Degenerate is a device to produce DC power [ ] [ ]
> * A stud is wood used to support a wall [ ] [ ]

> Please complete your quiz and mail within 24 hours, with a SASE to:
> The Society of Demented Consciousness
> P O Box 92553-42.3
> Unconscious, OK 45932-4902

> Use someone else's name because your answers are not confidential
> and people will be making fun of your responses.