JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided
to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure
his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to
his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the
two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and
fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the
doctor.The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my
wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came
out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

=====

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

 

[melody]

The Paratroopers

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not
yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and
throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm
getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left
on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told
be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not
then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door
and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir. I´m too
scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis
out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I´m
sticking this little baby up your ass.´" "So, did you jump?" asked the
father. "Well, a little, at first.

 

[melody]

THINGS NOT TO SAY IN BED WITH SOMEONE...

1. You know you want me to.
2. You suck it-like an ice cream cone.
3. You brought the condoms, right?
4. Let's have a flesh fest.
5. What's your last name?
6. I believe in only fivesomes.
7. Don't tell anybody, OK?
8. The condom is on inside out.
9. You don't believe in bestiality?
10. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.
11. Wait! I need my teddy bear.
12. Let me go wash my face real fast.
13. I've got pussy breath.
14. I'm gonna throw up.
15. But I wanted to bite it.
16. You broke my nail!
17. Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?
18. Are you a virgin?
19. Shooey! You're better than Mom.
20. Do you trust me, I mean, really trust me?
21. I wanna go muff diving.
22. My dad did it differently
23. Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
24. Who needs birth control?
25. The ceiling needs painting.
26. Swallowing is a lot neater.
27. Oh, baby, you're so good. (Said sarcastically.)
28. Do you mind if I draw blood?
29. Ever lick someone's anus?
30. My ex was much better.
31. How much do I owe you?
32. I can't find the key.
33. What do you mean, you can't find the key?
34. I'm hungry for some hair pie.
35. You don't mind if I film, do you?
36. Can I beat you with my love stick?
37. Where am I?
38. It's Mr. Pastyface!
39. Why don't you just bend over and smile.
40. I forgot to lock the door.
41. Leave the TV on.
42. That's £20 for the first hour, right?
43. I think a blindfold would make you feel better.
44. Do you always smell like that?
45. How about some fellatio?
46. Is it in yet?
47. When was the last time you did this?
48. Cullulite makes me horny.
49. What's your name again?
50. Meet my pet sheep, Stud.
51. Are you done yet?
52. Oh, I've got my period. I forgot. I'm sorry.
53. I thought you were your sister.
54. I thought you'd never climax.
55. Meet Russel the Love Muscle.
56. I'm really really drunk.
57. Your stretchmarks turn me on.
58. Did you have an orgasm?
59. My name is really Andy Dugger.
60. Glad we got that over with.
61. Your cushion lends me to some reagood pushin'.
62. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
63. If you loved me you would.
64. You mean you're only fourteen?--Yeah.
65. Mr. Head wants some.
66. Ooh, I love small penises.
67. I'm gonna suck your clit like a straw.

 

[melody]

What I've Learned From Watching Porn...


1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy when rooting.

11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

 

[melody]

Rent A Porn Flick

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store".

He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.

He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life.

Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.

After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.

He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in...... what happened?!".

To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

=====

There once were three women from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They lifted the frock
and tickled the cock
of the Bishop while he was confirming them.

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
(He'd gone to a good public school)
So he pulled down their britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool.

When he'd filled up the last one with goo
She said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Vicar is thicker
and quicker and slicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

 

[melody]

Short Funnies

Three guys were sitting in a bar. The first guy said, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a garage-door clicker in her car and we don't even have an automatic garage door."
The second guy said, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."
"The third guy said, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers, and she doesn't even have a cock."

=====

Little Johnny was taking a bath one day, when his mother came in to use the bathroom. Curiously, Johnny viewed his mother's anatomy while she was sitting down.
"Mommy,", Johnny asked, "what's that between your legs?"
His mother replied, "Why that's where your dad hit me with an axe."
"Came awfully fuckin' close to your cunt, didn't he?" he replied.

=====

A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress.
As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had
considered, she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.

"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was
helping her.

"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price
on that one, your gonna shit!"

=====

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

 

[melody]

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.

Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

Pretend to eat your arm.

Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

=====

There was a man from Cuba
Who stuck his dick in a tuba
His newly wed bride
Blew on the other side
And his dick flew off to Aruba

 

[melody]

Weddings

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.

The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!

=====

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chafed maiden to boot.

 

[melody]

Grandma's 100th Birthday

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn,
In her wheelchair, where the activities for
Her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could
Write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma
Started leaning off to the right, so some family
Members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
Stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her
Left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed
Pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
Members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase
Around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma
And said, "Hi, Grandma,you' re looking good!
How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote
A note to the nephew .

"They won't let me fart."

=====

"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"
"Ask your mother," he replied.
"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I
came from a bucket."
"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it…"

=====

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm
Very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"
Asked his wife.

The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a
Dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"

 

[melody]

Talking About Sex

A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

=====

There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"
=====

Q ~What does an 80 year old woman have between her breasts?
A ~Her navel.

He said ~ Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted
to make love to you in the worst way.
She said ~ Well, you succeeded.

Q ~Why are pubic hairs curly?
A ~So you don't poke your eye out.

Q ~When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?
A ~Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!

 

[melody]

Gratuitous Male Bashing

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their asses and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

10. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

11. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know......it never happened)

12. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A MAN?
(because breasts don't have eyes)

 

[melody]

One Liners

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Men are like Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your
legs.

Q: Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying.. A prick is the guy who owns it.

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature ejaculation. "

Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology?
She blows your mind.
Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?
A: Kiss Me

Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average
female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused pussy!
"A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

 

[melody]

Hillbilly Kid

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms.

The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"

The kid replies, "Eleven."

"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says."You're too young."

The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."

"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid. "What kind of condoms do you want?"

The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."

The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"

"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

=====

There once was a young man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.

 

[melody]

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

=====

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She
promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and
the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like
someone shit in a pine tree."
=====

THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"

=====

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick
as I beat my wife!

Q: What's a woman?
A: Something you lie on when your having a fuck.

Q: What are the three reasons why anal sex is better then vaginal sex?
A: It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.

Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

Q: How do you get a woman off during sex?
A: Push her.

Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A: Partially disabled
=====

There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.

A fair maid from Cairo called Nur
Was thought incredibly pure
Till we saw her great stunt
To ram up her cunt
A ton and a half of manure.

 

[melody]

Problem Getting An Erection

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the
doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he
can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until
his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a
little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that
this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has
gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her
juice
and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or
two
he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more
juice
and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full
erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He
wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at
him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you
have a Bloody Nose???
=====

Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

 

[melody]

Things To Never Say To A Woman During Sex

Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

You must be very experienced.

Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt?

So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Look ... I can get my whole arm in.

It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Is that an optical illusion?

If I look right at it, I feel like I'm falling in.

Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.

Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

I expect a good time ... at least, the bathroom wall said so.

You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

You're not *that* fat.

I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

 

[melody]

Woman In A Coma

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.
As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed.
As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair.
Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.
Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well.
Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."
They called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.
When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair,
they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.
The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous
in order to provoke a stronger reaction.
"I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.
Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.
The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said,
"I think I choked her."

 

[melody]

Three Sisters

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

=====

This guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?

 

[melody]

Useless Penis Facts

*Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
*Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
*Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
*Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
*Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
*Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
*Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
*Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
*Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
*Average length when erect: 5.1
*Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
*Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
*Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
*Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
*Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
*Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
*Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
*Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
*Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
*Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
*Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
*Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
*Average # of erections during the night: 9
*Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
*The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
*Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
*Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
*Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
*Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
*Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
*Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
*Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
*Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
*# of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: Almost 6
*In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.
*Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.
*Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
*Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
*Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
*Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
*It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.
*Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

 

[melody]

Needs A Guy

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 16 I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided

I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with
him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything.
He did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made
me
miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very
energetic, but direction-less. So I decided to find a boy with some
ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet planted
firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so ambitious that
he dumped me and took everything I owned.

I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

=====

Man takes a deer home and cooks it.
Kids ask what it is.
He says it's what mummy calls me sometimes.
Little girl shouts "Dont eat it, its a fucking arsehole"

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How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
Call her and tell her where you are.

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You might be a redneck if your grandmother calls you in the bathroom
and says.. " Hey Y'all Come look at this before I FLUSH!!"