JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Marriage Contract

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me
and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema,
I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act, too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey
love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame.
So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by some
complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman, it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are
better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom to my friends.

Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends-a lot.

Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for
hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" name.

Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy.
Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have
the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner.
And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually
desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions
of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew
melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.

Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you
have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me,
I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

Section 6. 01
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices
are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to
operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.02
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove,
refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed _____ _____ ______ (female

 

[melody]

The Legless Parrot

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn't have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: "This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn't have any legs, but he is very smart." The man asks, "If he doesn't have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?" "He holds on with his dick." the clerk answered. The man asks " How much?" "Since he doesn't have any legs, I'll sell him to you for fifty bucks."

The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.

So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, "At eight o'clock this morning the mailman came...."Interrupting the man asks, "Yeah and what happened?" [parrot] “he came in the house..." Furiously, the man asked "And then" [parrot] "...and then he came into the bedroom..." Astounded the man impatiently asks, "What happened next?"

[parrot] "He began to take off his clothes and she hers..." "What happened after that!"
He got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her....everywhere. "
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

The parrot then replied, "I don't know I sprung a boner and fell off!"

 

[melody]

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!

===

What Do You Call A 1000 Pound Woman On A Bar Stool With A New Condom?
A. 1/2 Ton Pickup With Good Rubber!

Q. Have you heard about the new feminine hygiene spray created by SSY?
A. You know, they're the company that took the PU out of pussy.

Q. How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
A. Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the puss run.

 

[melody]

Talking Frog

A 72 year old who loved to fish was sitting in his boat and heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and but couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

=====

Husband's Message (by cellphone): Honey, I was involved in a car
accident. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing
tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head was pretty bad,
fortunately it seems like it did not cause a concussion. But I
have three broken ribs and a compound fracture in my left leg.

Wife's Response: Who is Paula?

 

[melody]

Male Bashing

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

 

[melody]

Cadbury And Rowntree

Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree went off for the weekend...

It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street and he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
He had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. But I'm
the one with the Nuts he thought.

Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt
the contrast of her Double Deckers.

Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, So
she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as
he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic Moment as
she let out of scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun
Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.
So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.
It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.
She really had been with All Sorts.

 

[melody]

A Mother And Daughter

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea.

The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about ****** boys and what it's like for her.

"So," says the mom, "now that you have started ******, what's it like getting intimate with young men?"

"Oh, you know how it is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me."

"How?" asks mom.

"Oh, stuff." says daughter.

"Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters," continues mom.

"I don't know," answers the daughter.

"Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what ****** boys was like for me," says mom.

"OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"

=====

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co-worker.

"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"

"No !" replied Claudia.

"My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

 

[melody]

Nookie Days


My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes.

=====

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

 

[melody]

Men are like.....

Men are like ........ Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like . Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

=====

man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some sexlax.

The pharmacist replies, “You mean Ex-lax.”

The man says, “No, I mean Sexlax – I don’t have any trouble going!”

 

[melody]

Business Trip

A husband returned earlier from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbor - Peter. As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe. She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack. Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying: “Daddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!”
The man went to the wardrobe and shouted: “You nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with the kid!”

=====

One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages.

He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears".

The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?"

He said, " That same stupid guy called again!

=====

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.

He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls

... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths

 

[melody]

New Sexual Positions

The IRS position: where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.

The Humidor: (requires a cigar and an intern).

The Monday Night Football: (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).

The Kentucky Derby: (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

Oral Submarine: The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

The British Telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.

The Grenade Position: I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

The Enron Position: no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

Totally Screwed: the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher: no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"

 

[melody]

Top 10 Online Lies

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".

9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more
about yourself."

7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"

6. "Yes of course I'm female............"

5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?"

4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan,
and buffed from working out"

3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and
get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)

2. "I don't care what you look like, it's whats on the inside that counts" (Which is true,
except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")

1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.

 

[melody]

Strip Joint

For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest
cunt contest. So this Fat disgusting chick shows up with
her husband. She's so fat and lazy she has to be assisted
by her husband to the cunt stand. She blows the doors
out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins
hands down. Her brave husband had stuck with her and
accepted the check for winning the contest. The
management couldn't help but ask, how do you stand the
smell. He says, "well when she first died two weeks ago,
it was pretty bad, but you get used to it."

=====

A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"

 

[melody]

Pious Young Man

The highly pious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked
to find his new young bride awaiting him spread eagled naked on their bed.
"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your
knees!"
"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the
goddamned hiccups when I fuck in that position."

=====

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house and passes a florist shop.

On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.

When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

=====

A little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
Embarrassed by the precocious question, his mother replied, "Well,
would you believe that the stork brings them?"
"OK, but who fucks the storks?"

 

[melody]

Redneck Named Jack

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.

Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow.

He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both hand fulls

 

[melody]

Cool Shorties

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman seated at the bar,
walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Who would marry you you worthless, wretched,
no good, piece of shit drunk?!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered,
"you even sound like her."

=====

A man is out, driving happily along in his car LATE one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It
was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

=====

"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Justine to Jamie,
"I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles."
"You mean testament," chuckled Jamie.
"No, testicles..." said Justine, "I've got him by the balls."

 

[melody]

A Sperm Named Stanley

Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised all day.

Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and when the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!"

A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead of all the others.

Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he hollered, "It's a blow job!"

=====

There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.

 

[melody]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE'
WHEN..........…

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your
socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop
and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license
picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the
patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out
before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your
mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be
reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more
time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts
longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with
Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the
parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection
from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't
work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and
they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay
there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't
feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that
you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you
don't even remember being on top of it.

 

[melody]

A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriends home to meet her parents for the first time.
The mother of the girl hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its balls.
To break the ice, the boy looks at the girls Father and says, "I wish I could do that!"
The Father looks at the boy and says, "give it a piece of your cake, and it might let you!"

=====

Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get
it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your
clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie
down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

=====

Young Amy likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press
In a manner obscene
'Gainst the washing machine
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.

 

[melody]

Shit Happens

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 pounds.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.