JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

An Ostrich And A Cat

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich and a cat behind him, and as
he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man
says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the other two. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The cat says "Sure, I'll have a beer two, but don't expect me to pay
for it!"

The bartender pours the beers and says "That will be $3.48 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, and cat and the ostrich come again, and the man
says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." The
cat says "Me too, but I'm not paying for it!"

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the three enter
again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so
I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
The cat says "Scotch sounds good, but someone else is paying, not me!"

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls the
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be
there.

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and
the cat?"

The man replies, "Oh yeah, them. You see, my second wish was for a
chick with long legs, and a tight pussy."

 

[melody]

What Father's Do For A Living

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, "Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave."

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied, "Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars."

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?"

The student replies, "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it.'"

=====


Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, raise my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."

 

[melody]

Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to
Get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
Office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty
As on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand,
But nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
Then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
First with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
First with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin'
It between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

=====

A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation.
The young blonde asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before
she could resume her normally active sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's ever asked me that question after
a tonsillectomy!"

 

[melody]

My Boobs


Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble.
Mine just stay still in one place;
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace.

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra.
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip,
They stay put just where they are.

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt.

But I sure envy big breasted women,
I've seen them at parties you know;
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go.

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees."

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
Could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me?

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned,

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figure
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep.

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute.

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
For convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Cops'd use me to stop traffic flow!

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while.

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far."
As he gazes into my eyes -- not my tits

 

[melody]

25th Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied,
"All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

=====

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

=====

Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!!!!

=====

Prostitute: doc, my hole is too big.
Doctor looks into the hole & says GOD...GOD...GOD...
Prostitute: Why are you repeating the word God?
Doctor: It was an ECHO!

 

[melody]

A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE:

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking
red dent on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
=====
Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What is the worst punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: How did the housewife get acquitted of murder by stabbing her
husband with a letter opener?
A: She was able to convince the jury that her husband was junk male.

Let's keep incest in the family.
**
Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man.

 

[melody]

The Newlywed Bride

The newlywed bride was wrapping up her annual
physical with her doctor when he asked her, "So, do
__________________________________________________________________
you have any questions for me?"
She said to him, "Well, yeah, a few. I mean my
husband and I have 'done it' lots of times, but it's just
that I want to know the medical terms for a man's body."
"OK", said the doctor, "Shoot."
"On the end of his dick, there's this big knobby
thing with a hole in the tip. What do you call that?"
The doctor said, "Well, first of all, the term is penis,
not dick. And the medical term for the object on the
penis end is the head."
She continued, "And right behind the head
there's a long hard thing with lots of veins in it. What
is that?"
"The technical term for that is a shaft," said the
doctor.
"OK, cool," she said. "Now, about 14 inches
behind the head there's these two hairy, round kind
of things that droop down. What are those?"
The doctor smirked and said to the newlywed,
"Well, I don't know about your husband, but on me
those are the cheeks of my ass."
=====
Q: What's the definition of gross?
A: Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Q: What's even grosser than that?
A: When one of them throws up.
=====
A man who had been caught embezzling millions went
to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never
go to jail with all that money!
In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't
have a dime.

 

[melody]

Sally

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."

=====

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

 

[melody]

Snow White Was Sleepy

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!"
and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"
etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"
"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

=====

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who fucked her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.

 

[melody]

An Eskimo
An eskimo is out one day riding on his snowmobile. When all of a
sudden it starts sputtering, and smoking. He takes it to the mechanic so
that he can fix it. After a few minutes... the mechanic comes back and
says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The eskimo replies, "No! That's just frost on my mustache."
=====
A guy was sitting in a bar when he was joined by an old friend.
"What are you doing here, Pete?" the friend asked.
"I had a fight with my wife, just for being honest."
"Really? What happened?"
"She asked me what she could do to increase my interest in sex, and
I said, 'Leave town.'"
=====

"I saw you downtown this afternoon while I was shopping," the wife
confronted her husband. "I saw you go into a motel room with that beautiful,
stacked, young redhead. I want an explanation, and I want the truth!"
"Well, make up your mind," he said. "Which do you want?"

 

[melody]

A Furrier

A rather ordinary guy enters a furrier accompanied by the most beautiful redhead on
the whole planet. He asks to see the furrier's most expensive item, which promptly
proves to be a full-length mink coat. When the furrier says it costs $70,000, the
man says, "Not a problem. I'll write you a check."
"Excellent!" the furrier exclaims, "Since today is Friday, you may come back on
Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared the bank."
When Monday afternoon arrives, the man returns and the furrier is furious, "How
dare you come back here! There was not a single cent in that account you wrote my
check on!"
"True," the man smiles, "I just came back to thank you for the best weekend
I've ever had in my life!"
=====
Two guys hire a hooker to raise their "morale." The first one whips out his
dick, which is a whopping ten inches long. The hooker smiles eagerly, and starts
to blow him.
Then the second guy takes out his dick, which is only five inches long.
"Who's this guy?" she asks number one.
Number one answers, "That's my half-brother."

 

[melody]

Handsome Young Doctor

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome young doctor across the street.

"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."

"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his patients."

So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his name was Smith.

"What's your problem, Mr Smith?" the doctor asked.

"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."

"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."

The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.

"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you realise that you have one dozen roses up in there?"

"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"

=====

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly,
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.

 

[melody]

A Young Boy Weeping

Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?"

The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning."

"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?"

"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."

=====

There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.

=====

One night a husband and wife were asleep in bed when the telephone suddenly rang.
The husband picked the phone up and said, "Hello? What? It's 2 am! What do you think I am, the fucking weatherman or something?" and slammed the phone down.
The wife looked over totally bewildered and asked, "Who was that?"
"I don't know," replied the husband, "It was just some stupid guy asking if the coast was clear!"

 

[melody]

Chinese Phrases
The following is simply a joke, folks. It is in no way meant to negatively reflect on the illustrious and dazzlingly brilliant Asian people.

Ai Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat------------------You need a face lift
Dum Gai---------------------A stupid person
Gun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia---------------------Approach me
Lao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi------------------------Not very good
Lin Ching---------------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding---------------A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn-----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-----------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be----------------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne-----------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba-------------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------------A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan----------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah-----------------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim-------------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting--------------There is no reason to raise your voice

Sho Me Kun Y----------------Let's begin your gynecological exam

No Pe Kin----------------Hey....I'm trying to get dressed here

Wot Kung Fu Dat.........................A tossed salad
Kow Pat.......................................Savory beef patties
Sir Kum Shiz.................................Sliced sausage
Hard On........................................Forcemeat extrusion

=====
What are the three wonders of women?

1. They can produce milk without grazing...

2. They can bleed for 5 days without dying...

3. And they can bury a bone, deeper than a dog, without
getting their nose dirty!

=====

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.

 

[melody]

10 Ways You Know You've Had Good Sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Seniors Guide to SEX

Put on your glasses.

Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice

 

[melody]

EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe
you with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat
Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff
his slinky down your throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your
front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin
with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing
your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM
to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture
your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and
stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a
coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the
hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

=====

This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says, "but I don't know what type he uses."

"Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks.

"No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."

 

[melody]

Dirty Shorties

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to fuck her every time he came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," The vet said, "We could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"
=====

A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture.

In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!"

Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again."
=====

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal,
whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief,
"Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit, can you
make me one too?"
=====

A West Virginia teeny bopper comes home from school and
asks, "Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place
boys put their wieners in?"

Ma replies,"Yep, sho' do."

Daughter says," Why Ma, is that why you are missin
yo' front teeth?"
=====

Johnson sees McGann in a bar.
He says, "I heard you buried your wife."
McGann says, "Had to. She was dead."

 

[melody]

Brendan Was A Virgin

When Liam decided it was time for his friend Brendan to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local whorehouse and explained Brendan's condition to the madam.

"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass to take care of ye," she promised. "Ye just do your part and make sure ye wear one of these."

And the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down over her thumb by way of instruction.

Brendan parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room 12, where a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes.

After he'd come, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."

"Oh no it didn't, Miss," Brendan cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's good as new."


=====

Penises come in five sizes:

1. Small
2. Medium
3. Large
4. Oh My God!
5. Is that available in white?

=====

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

=====

There was a young lady named Mabel
Who said, 'I don't think that I'm able;
But I'm willing to try
So where should I lie -
On the bed, on the floor or the table?'

 

[melody]

Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Box
of Rocks Award.

22. You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

[melody]

What Men Really Mean

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
**
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."
**
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
**
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
**
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
**
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
**
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
**
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
**

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
**
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
**
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
**
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
**
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."
**
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
**
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
**
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."