JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Condom Size

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don’t know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?"

The kid embarrassedly says, "I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
=====



A masked gunman walks into a sperm bank. He points the gun at the woman behind the counter and tells her to drink the sample in front of her.

The woman, confused, says "What?"

The man puts the gun to her head and says "I said drink that sample or I’ll kill you!" so she does.

Just then he takes off his mask and says "See honey, its not so bad."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy
this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

=====

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides.

=====

A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage.
Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic

in your life."
"Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!"

=====

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

=====

A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

=====

Two men went to the desert for a vacation.
They rented a camel and headed out.
Five days later they came back but without the camel.
The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed,
"Where is my camel?"
They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!'
So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"

=====

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package on the driveway. When she opened the package, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

 

[melody]

Mary And Her Husband


Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff....'

'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

=====

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"

=====

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19.

Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

 

[melody]

It's The Viagra

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs,
perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something to eat, a bowl of
home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks
and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the
cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a
tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!"

=====

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
Douche with beer.

 

[melody]

A Young Amorous Couple

A young amorous couple were about to do the wild thing, so, being smart,
they bought a box of a dozen condoms. They had a nice time in bed,
playing and fondling and finally culminating it by having sex.

When she came back to her boyfriend's apartment a week later, the woman
discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12.
A little upset, she asked him, "What happened to the other five
condoms?"

His reply was, "Honey, I masturbated with them."

She then went to her male confidant friend and told him the
story, and asked him if he had ever done this.

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you have masturbated with a condom before?" she said.

"Oh" he said, "I thought you meant have I lied to my girlfriend."

=====

Q. WHY DID THE GAY GUY GIVE HIS LOVER A BLOWJOB AFTER SEX?
A. HE WANTED TO HAVE HIS COCK AND EAT IT TO...

Q. WHAT DOES EATING PUSSY AND BEING IN THE MAFIA HAVE IN COMMON?
A. ONE SLIP OF THE TONGUE AND YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ALASKAN LESBIAN?
A. A KLONDIKE.

 

[melody]

Not Hallmark!

1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love.
After meeting you ...
(inside card)
I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ...
inside card)
I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card)
That you're not here To ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card)
Someone other than you

6. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age ...
(inside card)
Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. .
(inside card)
Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ...
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there
was only one life jacket ...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your
birthday. . (inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and West Virginia).

14. Looking back over the years We've been together, I can't help but
wonder ...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . .
(inside card)
Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?

 

[melody]

Weekend Pass

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.

After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure did!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Yes,...but why?"

"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."

=====

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.
Billy-Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' fucked your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but it shore would make us even!"

 

[melody]

Threw An Axe

Little Johnny is in the toilet with his mum. She's on the can and he
says, "Mummy! What's that between your legs?"

"That's where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at me,"
she said.

"Fucking good shot," he said, "right up the cunt."


=====

You know you've had a good Blow Job when...
1) You have to pull the sheets out of your ass when she is done.
2) Your dick has the dry heaves for three days afterward.
3) The head of your dick is twice the size of your balls.
4) You swear off sheep for good!

=====

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
And shriveled and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like a balloon.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny's Teacher

One day, Little Johnny's teacher couldn't take it anymore and calls in
sick. The substitute teacher came in and without saying a word proceeded
to write her name on the blackboard. P - R - U - S - S - Y. "Good
morning class. My name is Miss Prussy. It's just like as in pussy cat
except with an 'r'." she said.

Everything that day goes without any problems.

The original teacher however calls in sick again and Miss Prussy comes
back for a second day. She walks into the class and asks if anyone
remembers her name.

Without hesitation Little Johnny stands up and announces, "Yeh, your
Miss Crunt!"

=====

There once was a man from Nantucket...
Who's dick was so long he could suck it..
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin...
If my ass was a cunt I'd fuck it...

 

[melody]

Four Nuns

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few
minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the

weekend.

"However," he said, "as soon as you get back on Monday morning, I want
you
to confess to me what you did over the weekend."

The four nuns agreed and run off. Monday comes and the four nuns
returned.

The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have
sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?"

She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie."

The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are
forgiven, go and drink holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begin to chuckle quietly under
her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,

for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Ok, what happened?"

She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of
his
house, and I hit a neighbour's dog and killed it."

The priest looks up at heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are
forgiven, go and drink holy water."

The second nun goes out and by this time, the fourth nun is laughing
quite
audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, " Forgive me, Father,
for
I have sinned."

The priest asks, "Out with it, what did you do?"

She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for full five minute before responding,
"God
forgives you, go and drink holy water."

She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard that
tears
ran down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "Ok, what did you do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water ... ..."

=====

At the YMCA one day, a really fat man called Auschef got out of the
shower
and Thorn saw him.
Thorn said, "I don't mean to be rude, but you are FAT!"
Auschef said, "Yeah, I know I'm really big."
Thorn asked, "Man, how long's it been since you've seen your dick?"
Auschef says, "LONG time, Man."
Thorn asks, "Well, why don't you diet?"
Auschef asks, "WHY? What color is it now?"

 

[melody]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING


Kissing/Light Petting:

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww! "
**

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
**

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
**

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
**

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance. "
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
**

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

 

[melody]

URINATING


A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.

He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"

=====

Me and a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work.

One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.

Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."

At which point I put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut me out all together."

 

[melody]

Men Are Like.....

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long he will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

 

[melody]

Street Insurance

She Had Plenty Of Insurance. Unfortunately, Her Pimp Died.

Today almost every hooker understands how important it is to
have life insurance. The streets can get pretty rough.

But, what if her pimp is offed?

Who's going to find new Johns?
Who's going to supply the crack?

Clearly his loss would create financial hardships for her and
the two mulatto kids he left behind.

With Metropolitan Street Life's new Whore plus plan, a
prostitute can get permanent insurance protection that provides
door-to-door limo service, up to three fixes daily, and a big
ugly motherfucker with a gun - just as if your main man was
still around.

All we ask in return for a safe future is 50% of the action.
That's probably a better deal than HE gave you, and WE won't
beat you upside the head!

METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE
Professionals Helping Professionals.
=====

Three guys went to a night club one night. The first guy went in
and a dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off. He went
back outside really happy. The next guy went in and sure enough
the dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off and he went
outside really happy. The third guy went in and came out really
sad. The other two guys asked him what happened and he replied,
"They put a cheerio on mine!"

 

[melody]

Wife Jokes

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
=====
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
=====
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
=====
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
=====
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
=====
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
=====
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
=====
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
=====
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
=====
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
=====
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
=====
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
=====
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
=====
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
=====
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
=====
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
=====
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
=====
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
=====
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
=====
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
=====
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
=====
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
=====
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
=====
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
=====
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
=====
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelery.
=====
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
=====
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
=====
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
=====
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
=====
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

 

[melody]

Retired

A Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says "unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office.

She says "you should have dropped your pants. you might have qualified for disability too."

=====

Did you hear about young Henry Lockett,
Who went for a ride in a rocket?
The force of the blast,
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.

 

[melody]

MEN.....

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself......

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky
improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

The Xbuffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually
happened to him, so I won't tell you.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

=====

There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"

 

[melody]

Lord, Bless My Family

One day a father is walking down the hallway of his house and overhears his daughter praying. She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, please bless my grandfather."

Three weeks later her grandfather dies.

The father walking down the hall at the same time a day later and over hears his daughter praying again. She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, bless my grandmother."

Three weeks later her grandmother dies.

The next night the dad overhears his daughter praying again. She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, bless my father."

So for the next three weeks the father is extremely cautious about everything he does. He drives slow, walks slow, and even makes unnecessary doctor's appointments.

He comes home on the last day of the three-week period and finds his daughter in the living room.

He asks, "How was your day at school?" "Oh, fine, “She replies. "Anything interesting happen today? “

"He says "Yeah, the mailman died."

=====

The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston and it changes it's own
oil every four weeks. It's only a pity that the management system is so
fucking temperamental.

 

[melody]

Mean Q & A

Q: What's blue and f*cks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered
wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years
old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an
hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A . Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a dick, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A . They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.