JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Idiots Guide To Sex


If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease

If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.

=====

I woke up early one morning.
The earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely so carefree and so gay
that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.
He sang of far off places of happiness and fun
It seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers crept slowly out of bed
then gently shut the window and crushed his fucking head.
I'm not a morning person!

=====

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I have to stop wanking, I said "Why?"

She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

[melody]

Glad To Be A Man And Glad To Be A Woman!

I'm Glad I'm A Man!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

 

[melody]

Funny Phunnies

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had
been robbed The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped
his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe
they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

=====

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent
another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on
liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks
on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure
them out.

=====

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her
hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your
ass but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!

=====

Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my
bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just
standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

 

[melody]

John And Marsha

John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.

One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.

"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy. "You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."

For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.

She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"

Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."

Driving home, Marsha t prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.

"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"

Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.

"Absolutely not!" he exploded.

"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."

But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.

"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."

Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.

When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed. Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them. Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.

No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.

Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say....
"Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

 

[melody]

This Week In Hell

This guy is in hell and Satan asked how it was going.

The man replied, "Not so good. I'm in hell."

Satan said, "Well, do you like to smoke?"

"Yeah, I used to smoke all the time when I was alive."

"Well that's all we do on Monday, just sit around and smoke all day. You don't have to worry about dying because you are already dead!"

"So do you like to drink? "Satan asked.

"Yeah, I did that every so often."

"Well that's all we do on Tuesday is drink all day. You want some Sake, Vodka, anything you want we got."

"So do you like drugs?"

"Well I did some drugs in my time."

"Well that's all we do on Wednesday is do drugs all day. You feel like smoking a bowl anything you want we can get you."

"So do you like to gamble?"

"Yeah my wife use to yell at me for it all the time."

"Well that's all we do on Thursday is gamble any game you want we have!"

"So are you gay?"

"Well no!"

"Ooooh, you're going to hate Fridays!"

=====

The blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.It's been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and she goes downstairs.
After a whiles she finally comes back up to bed and her husband asks, "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

 

[melody]

Grounds For A Divorce

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.

On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!"

The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition," .

"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his!"

=====

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

=====

Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"
The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

 

[melody]

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your Girlfriend's Parents


In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the parents.
The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you can lead to embarrassing misstatements.
To help you avoid some of the most common conversational pitfalls I've compiled a list of the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time:


10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out here! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.


And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend's parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

 

[melody]

Debbie

"I'm finished with Debbie!" Tom exclaimed to his friend.

"What did she do?" asked his buddy

"She broke down and told me she was bisexual.

"That bothers you that much?"

"Yeah!!! Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"

=====

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.

=====

There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."

=====

There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie".
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny.

 

[melody]

Damn Good Definitions


ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose.

GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.

HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

NURSE - A pan handler.

NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.

PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.

RHUMBA - An asset to music.

SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.

TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

 

[melody]

Country Club

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

=====

A man stumbled into a bar and said to the bartender, “Wow, was I drunk last night.”

The Bartender said, “You sure were.”

The man then said, “I gotta tell you what happened. Walking home I found a woman tied to the train tracks. So I took her home and we had sex. First I was on top. Then she was on top, and for hours we had sex in every position you can think of. It was unbelievable.”

The bartender was amazed. “Sounds like you had a great time. What did she look like?”

The man thought a moment. “I really don’t know. I never found the head.

 

[melody]

Black Lace Panties

Two men were at a baseball game when one man looked over his shoulder
and spotted a woman sitting several rows behind them.
He nudged his buddy and said, "Hey, look up there, that lady is not
wearing panties!"
"Naw," came the reply, "she's got black lace panties on."
"No!" replied the first man, "that's the real thing!"
After arguing back and forth, they made a bet and asked the vendor if he
wanted to make a fast buck.
The first man said, "Hey buddy, go up there
and see if it's the real thing or black lace panties."
The vendor goes up, grabs a quick look and runs back to the two men.
"Well," asked the first man, "isn't it the real thing?"

"Nope." came the reply from the vendor.

"Then I was right, she has black lace panties on, right?"

"Nope." came the reply again.

"For Pete's sake, man," yelled the first man, "it's got to be one or the
other!"

"Nope," replied the vendor. "It's flies."

=====

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

 

[melody]

That Beautiful Girl At Work

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

=====

Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A: A woman's mouth!

Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?
A: Kiss Me

=====

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

=====

There Was A Young Nun From Peru
Whom The Bishop Wanted To Screw,
But She Said 'The Vicar
Is Quicker And Slicker,
And Three Inches Longer Than You.'

 

[melody]

Black Lace Panties

Two men were at a baseball game when one man looked over his shoulder
and spotted a woman sitting several rows behind them.
He nudged his buddy and said, "Hey, look up there, that lady is not
wearing panties!"
"Naw," came the reply, "she's got black lace panties on."
"No!" replied the first man, "that's the real thing!"
After arguing back and forth, they made a bet and asked the vendor if he
wanted to make a fast buck.
The first man said, "Hey buddy, go up there
and see if it's the real thing or black lace panties."
The vendor goes up, grabs a quick look and runs back to the two men.
"Well," asked the first man, "isn't it the real thing?"

"Nope." came the reply from the vendor.

"Then I was right, she has black lace panties on, right?"

"Nope." came the reply again.

"For Pete's sake, man," yelled the first man, "it's got to be one or the
other!"

"Nope," replied the vendor. "It's flies."

=====

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

 

[melody]

Weenie Test

Three 3rd Graders . . . an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest. The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?"

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."

=====

A woman sits down next to a cowboy in a saloon. She says, "Are you a REAL cowboy?" He replies, "Well, Mam, I brand calves, rope steers, mend fence, ride the range...think about cows a lot of the time...yep...I guess I'm a REAL cowboy."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I think about women all day, all evening, all the time...I think about making love with women."
They sat there sipping their beers. Then, a man walked in and sat on the other side of the cowboy. He said, "Are you a REAL cowboy?" The cowboy responded, "Well, I THOUGHT I was...but I just found out that I'm really a lesbian."

 

[melody]

New Confucius Says...

- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

- Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour pussy.

- Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.

- Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body.

- He who eats ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver

- He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground, have trouble getting pants off.

- He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.

- He who puts face in punch bowl get punch in nose.

- If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented.

- Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!

- It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

- It's OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl!

- Keeping it in family sure sound incestuous.

- Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

- Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.

- Man who masturbate only screwing himself

- Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

- Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

- Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

- Woman with cold hands have fire under skirt.

- Man with diarrhea in Las Vegas likes craps.

- Woman who say she's ****** lawyer is blowing hot air.

- Blind man lose track of wife in fish market.

- Man who shit in pick-up now have dump truck.

"He who stick head in open window get pane in neck."

"He who stick head in oven get baked bean."

"Hockey player on ice have big stick."

"House without toilet, uncanny."

"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."

"Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag."

"Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"

"Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."

"Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."

"Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight."

"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"

"Man who masturbate only screwing self."

"Man who put cock on stove have hot rod."

"Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night"

"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."

"Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks."

"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."

"Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."

"Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

 

[melody]

Trays Up

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male

flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting
and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your
trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A
few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am,
perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you
to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again

to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called
a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

=====

A little girl was licking a lollipop at a hairdressers a drops it into a heap of cut hair lying
on the floor, the hairdresser says to her: Oh, "have you got hair on your lollipop"?
"No", answers the little girl, "I'm only three."

 

[melody]

Life's Lessons

#1....
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself...
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fucked.

#2....
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

#3....
What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

#4....
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

#5....
Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

#6....
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life.......

According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset.

=====

There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.

 

[melody]

ROBIN HOOD
(The Untold Story)

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did poor people good
There is more to this famous story
of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory

At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay

As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
As they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his arse

One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck
And said "I'm Marion - wanna fuck?"

Friar could not believe his ears
"She's offering sex to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock
Robin presented her with his cock

Marion's clothes were off in a flash
And three merry men all had a bash
For Marion this was sheer bliss
As they filler her every orifice

When all was done she gave a whine
"Thank you boys for a lovely time.
But for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox - have a nice day."

"Now listen here" said Friar Tuck
"We really don't give a fuck"
"The laughs on you, you silly cow"
"We're all got AIDS - so who's fucked now!"

~~~~

Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!

Q: Why are faggots always the quickest out of a burning building?
A: Because they've already got their shit packed.

Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasm?
A: He spits on your back.

Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting.

Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.

Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.

Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.

~~~~
Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"

~~~~

Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework.

One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.

"What are you doing Cyril?" he asks, to which Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce, I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you came home."

 

[melody]

REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN:

-Dogs don't cry.
-Dogs love it when your friends come over.
-Dogs think you sing great.
-A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
-Dogs don't expect you to call when you’re running late.
-The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.
-Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
-Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
-Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
-Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
-Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
-If a dog's gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
-Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
-Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
-A dog's parents never visit.
-Dogs love long car trips.
-Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
-Dogs don't hate their bodies.
-Dogs never criticize.
-Dogs never expect gifts.
-Dogs don't worry about germs.
-Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've had.
-Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your desk or wallet.
-Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
-Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner instead of a lobster one.
-You never have to wait for a dog.
-Dogs are ready to go 24 hours a day.
-Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
-Dogs never want foot rubs.
-Dogs aren't catty.
**

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE:
-Both look stupid in hats.
-Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate at one sitting.
-Neither understands football.
-Both are good at pretending to listen to every word you say.
-Neither believes that silence is golden.
-Both constantly want back rubs.
-Neither can balance a checkbook.
-You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
**

WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:
-Women look good in sweaters.
-Women leave the room to pass gas.

 

[melody]

Shrimp

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."
That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

=====

An old farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?" "Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!'