JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Drunk In A Diner

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter,
suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.

"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know
the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and
toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.

He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."

=====

A lady and her husband have been arguing back
And forth for some time. She makes an appointment
To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,
But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't
Smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says,
"Ma'am, you need an operation."

She says, "On my pussy?"

He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

=====

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm
Very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"
Asked his wife.

The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a
Dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"

 

[melody]

Experimental Surgery


Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

=====

Q: What's the definition of the Perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

40. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

 

[melody]

Female Masturbation Stories:

Noisy pussy
First I like to lick my fingers and pinch my nipples. Since I have my left nipple pierced, I like to pull on the ring a little bit, and that gets me real hot. Then I lick my fingers and start playing with my clit, but usually I am so hot that I have enough juices flowing so that I don't have to do that. Then I get my big red dildo and slowly put it in, and by this point, my pussy is almost sucking it in. Once it's in I start pumping it in and out, and since I'm so wet it makes great noises, which I really like hearing. I fuck myself with the dildo and play with my cunt 'til I cuuuuuuuum and when I finally cum I stick my fingers in me and get them all wet and taste my self. This is usually enough to get me hot again, and start all over.
=====

Great view
I like to lay on my back and pull my knees up to my chest and spread my legs as wide as I can. Using my elbows behind my knees to hold my legs as close to my armpits as possible, I still have use of both my hands. I like to spread my pussy lips apart with my left hand and with my right hand I can finger my pussy and rub my clit.. You can also use your left hand to play with your anus. I can get a really good view of my pussy and then I pretend that someone is masturbating while watching me do this. It's very erotic!
=====

Soapy and slippery
I love to get in the shower and get myself all soapy and slippery...then I stick a finger or two in my ass. I get out my butt plug and let it get warm in the water from the shower. I put it and finish my shower....maybe play with my clit a bit. Then I get out of the shower, go to the bedroom, turn my vibrator all the way up and fuck myself till I can't stand it anymore.......mmm......think I'm gonna go take a shower.

 

[melody]

Advertising Agency

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

=====

A blue little boy from Lansing
couldn't find a partner for dancing.
So he bared his dick
in a final vain trick,
and won a loose lass for romancing!

 

[melody]

Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

<> You can GET chocolate.
<> "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
chocolate.
<> Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
<> You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
<> You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
<> You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
<> If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
<> Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
<> The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
<> You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
<> You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
<> You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
<> With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
<> Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
<> You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
<> Good chocolate is easy to find.
<> You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
<> You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
<> When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
<> With chocolate size doesn't matter.

=====

Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a
beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

=====

Two school-kids around Aberystwyth,
Made love with the lips that they kissed with.
But as they got older,
They also grew bolder,
Making love with the things that they pissed with.

 

[melody]

Classy Things To Say When Stressed

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

4. "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"

5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"

8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

11. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

14. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

15. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

16. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

17. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

19. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

20. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

21. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

________

Q: What's the definition of "gross?'
A: When you ask your girlfriend for a hickey, and she's so old she
first has to fetch her teeth out of a glass.

Q: What's the definition of "grosser?'
A: When her teeth stick to your skin.
________

A typical blonde went to her doctor and complained,
"Doctor, I think my breasts must be filled with water!"
"What makes you say that?" he inquired.
"Because every time some guy presses them, my
pussy gets wet!"

 

[melody]

Nasty Chit

A tramp walked into a bar one day and started begging for drinks. One of the patrons says he will by the old drunk a drink, but first he has to take a drink from the spittoon in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes over and picked up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts swallowing all the greeny yellow snot down his throat.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really think the tramp would do it is horrified, "Stop, Stop," he yells, " I will buy you a drink now!"
But the tramp keeps drinking all the snot, dribbling some down his chin, gurgling away on the slimy fluid.
"Stop now," says the patron, "I will buy you a full bottle!"
But still the tramp keeps guzzling down the rotten cough drizzle. "Please stop," said the patron, "I will buy you two bottles!"
But still the tramp keeps swallowing the snotty greeny liquid. Finally after about 5 minutes the tramp tips the spittoon right back and slurps the rest of the snot from the bottom.
He walks back to the bar collects his two bottles and begins to leave.
The patron, spewing all over the bar, tears running down his face says, "Tell me, why didn't you stop when I asked you to?"
"I couldn't," said the tramp, "It was all in one lump!"

=====

Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"

 

[melody]

Ten Bucks

A guy goes into a whorehouse and says: "What have you got for ten bucks?"
"Go upstairs to the attic," says the Madam, "there's a girl up there for you."
The man goes up to the attic. He can barely see a girl lying there in the darkness. He climbs on top of her and starts fucking. Then, to his disgust, he notices some kind of slimy gunk coming out of her mouth and nose.
The man runs downstairs and says: "I want my money back! That girl is sick or something! She's got something coming out of her nose and her mouth!"
"Oh, sir, I'm so sorry! Here's your money back," says the madam, handing the man his ten bucks. After he leaves, she calls over her assistant. "Listen," she says. "You'd better go to the morgue and steal another stiff. The one in the attic is full."
=====
"You'll never believe what happened to me!" said Andy to Fred.
"What?"
"This weekend, I went out hunting, and I came across a girl tied to the railroad tracks! She had the most beautiful body I ever saw! I untied her and I fucked her for hours! It was great!"
"So, did she suck a good dick?"
"Well, that's the only thing. I looked and looked, but I never did find her head."

 

[melody]

Two Blondes

Rachel and Lena two blondes were sitting down to their usual morning
cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has
been declared" the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Rachel says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from her coffee.

The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again Rachel says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from her coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 6 to 8 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..."and then the power goes out and
Rachel doesn't get the rest of the instructions.
She turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
And Lena replies "Aw, Rachel, just leave the car in the garage today."

=====

"What's The Irritating Part Around A Blonde's Vagina?
The Blonde"

"What's The Other Irritating Stuff Around A Blonde's Vagina?
The Other Guys."

 

[melody]

Country Road

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he
happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer
goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the
fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and
says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says,
"I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!

=====

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.

=====

A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if
he sells condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"

The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with
anyone right now."

 

[melody]

Funny Shorties

The cop, responding to a call of domestic violence, said to Mrs Smith,
"Why did you throw the iron at your husband?"
"Because he called me a nymphomaniac!"
"Is that," asked the officer, "a good reason to hit him?"
"Sure was," she answered. "He called me that right in front of the
mailman, the milkman, the plumber, and the cable guy."
=====


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.


=====

A man in a restaurant orders the house special. The waitress brings out the order beginning with some
hot soup. The customer notices the waitress has her thumb in the soup.
Feeling sorry for the waitress, he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten.
When she brings the main course her thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee.
Finally, he angrily asks the waitress why she has her thumb in all his hot food. The waitress says,
"I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm." The customer says,
"why don't you stick it up your ass!" And the waitress says , "I do that in the kitchen!
=====

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't
believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and
your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour, When
you open the trunk, which one is really happy
to see you?

 

[melody]

CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE.......
(Long But Funny)

A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to cum on your face.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't ask am I the best?
Cucumbers won't ask did you come? How many times?
Cucumbers won't ask how was it?
Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him.
Cucumbers won't write ! your name and number on the men's room wall.
No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too.
No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is married.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is on penicillin or have AIDS.
You won't find out later that your cucumber likes you, but loves your brother
You won't find out that a cucumber is married.
You won't find out that a cucumber is trying to screw your sister.
Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.

 

[melody]

Prison And The Prisoner

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

=====

Breakfast was a very late affair that day and the husband and wife were fragile indeed -- badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before.

Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had sex with in the garden last night?"

She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" she replied.

 

[melody]

X-Rated Bumper Stickers

-Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

-Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

-If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

-Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

-If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

-Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

-If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

-My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

-Thank you for pot smoking.

-To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

-If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

-Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

-If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

-Horn broken...watch for finger.

-It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

-If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

-Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

-DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

-Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

-And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

-Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

=====

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q. What's the definition of oral sex?
A. The taste of things to come.

 

[melody]

Bob And His Boat

Bill walks into a bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar counter
with a great big smile on his face.
Bill says "Bob, what are you so
happy for?"
"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to
here, Bill, tits out to here!

She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out,
Bill. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Bill, she couldn't swim!!"

The next day Bill walks into
the bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger
smile on his face.
Bill says "What are you so happy about today Bob?"
"Well Bill... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to
here, Bill, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way
out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its
either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim!!, Bill, she couldn't swim!!!!"

A couple days pass and Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob down there
cryin over a beer.
Bill says "Bob, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Bill,
I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to
here, Bill, tits WAY out to here.
She says 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Bill, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the
key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She
pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!! She had a great BIG
dick!!!
And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!"
---------
Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first young girl says, "Oh my God!, It was really great, but I was Sooooo scared after his condom broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep in a week!"
"What happened?" said her friend.
I didn't know what I was going to do, but I finally was able to get a little piece of it out with dental floss!"

 

[melody]

Blow-up Dolls

The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found to his
dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment.
Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls,
figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would know the
difference.
Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new
lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time. When
the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was
waiting eagerly in the hallway.
He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head.
"I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."

=====

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time
walking. He is hunched over and has BAD Arthritis.
He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please".
The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts"?
The old man says, "No, Arthritis".

=====

Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM
and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named
NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single.

One night I KUM went to see is friend NO KUM. Upon arriving at
NO KUM'S home, I KUM found out that NO KUM was not at home.
NO KUM'S wife NO KUM TU invited I KUM to stay the night with her.
That night NO KUM TU came which gave I KUM great pleasure as
I KUM came too.

After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father,
but NO KUM didn't know how come. When the little child was born,
NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM.

But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come, HOW KUM YOU KUM came.
Until this day NO KUM doesn't know how come, HOW KUM YOU KUM came.

 

[melody]

The Newborn Baby

A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up is wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge. Fast cars! Faster women! Exotic vacations! Flings with super models!

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie!!!

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his *big* sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning... He thought he had cheated death! He was invincible!

But then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news... "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

=====

A man stumbles home drunk late one night. His wife suspicious begins to inspect him and finds a red hair on his shirt, and says, “I see you are having an affair with a red head.” The man says; “Oh no, honey.” Next weekend, after nursing a black eye, the same thing happens except that the wife finds a blonde hair on his jacket.

This time she says; “I see you are having an affair with a blonde woman.”

The man again says; “Oh no, honey.” Next weekend, after nursing a busted lip, the man decides not to cheat on his wife and goes straight home. Well the wife begins to inspect him but finds nothing. Not a single hair. So now she says; “Oh, now you’re banging a bald woman.”

 

[melody]

Farts Galore
WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:

1. Inside a crowded Lift.
2. Inside a public library.
3. On a crowded train.
4. Whilst giving a speech.
5. In Church.
6. Whilst on a date.
7. In a packed lecture theatre.
8. In your office.
9. At a cinema.
10. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while
11. In a ticket line.
13. On an airplane.
14. During confession
15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky.
16. In bed when you're feeling frisky
17. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation

WHEN TO FART:

1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. - best to make sure it's silent but violent.
2. In a bathroom.
3. In the cashiers line - it's bound to speed things up.
4. The empty elevator before you get off.
5. Beside an occupied dressing room - no doubt it'll quickly become unnocupied.
6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.
7. When deep sea diving.
8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested.
9. In your car if you've been carjacked.
10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

=====

*Yo mama is so poor and dirty, that when she farts, you and your siblings gather round her ass for warmth.
*Your ass is so dirty, when you fart the national guard proclaims a state of emergeny for a hazardous gas leak.
*Your breath is so stinky, people look forward to your fart.
*Your farts are so stinky, people plug their nostrils with blue vein cheese.
*When you fart, storm chasers get lost in the fog.
*When you fart, your asshole falls off.
*Your farts are so bad you bring hallipino peppers to tears.

 

[melody]

"Can I Have A Toothpick?"

A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door.
When he answers, a tramp says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock.
When he answers, there is a second tramp who says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The bartender says,
"Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the tramp.
The landlord hands him a straw and says, "why do you want it?"
Says the tramp: "Some guy just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already."

=====

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla." He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says: "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy, and I had that, too, until fat-head here came along."

 

[melody]

Top Ten Things Men / Women Would Do If They Woke Up With A
Vagina / Penis For A Day:

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.