JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

AN ODE TO ORAL SEX
(FOR THE BOYS)

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbors out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavored hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

 

[melody]

A Cucumber, A Pickle And A Penis

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were comparing relative
woes one day. The cucumber said, "I have it really bad. I am
allowed to grow big and fat. But then they pick me, drown me,
slice me into little pieces, and finally eat me. It's all over
then."
"Well," said the pickle, "At least your suffering is
brief. Mine is prolonged. Like you, I am allowed to grow big and
fat. But then I am picked and bathed in foul smelling fluid for
what seems an eternity, and then they eat me, too. Finis."
"So what?" answered the penis. "At least there is an end
to it for you two. My torture is daily and eternal. I also am
allowed to grow big and fat. But then they always wrap a rubber
bag over my head, put me in a dark, wet, cave that smells like fish,
and make me do pushups until I puke."

=====

A women, gasping for her last breath on her deathbed,
whispered a confession to her husband who was by her bedside.
"Dear, before I die I must tell you something. It was I who stole
the $50,000 from your safe. I spent it on a ritzy fuckfest with
the mail boy at your office. And it was I who got your cheap whore
mistress secretary to skip town by bribing her to leave you. And
it was I who snitched you off for evasion to the IRS. Can you
find it in your heart to forgive me before I go?"
"Yes, dear," he smiled. "After all, it was I who poisoned
you."

 

[melody]

Cyber Sex
(Keeper)

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your
eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at
it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)

 

[melody]

Transmitted Diseases

Complaints from people with sexually transmitted diseases:

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

=====

A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue stick for pool.

=====

We have done it many ways
from the bed to in the hay
but none have been sweeter
than her sucking my peter
in the back of a Chevrolet.

 

[melody]

At The Cinema

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.

She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.

When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

=====

Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.
*
With his pecker limp on the floor,
And his wife still imploring for more --
"Ten hours of screwing
Has been my undoing;
I simply can't Fuck any more!"
*
While Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz,
She said as he plunged in his putz,
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"
He answered, "Not really,
I just wanted to blow off my nuts"

 

[melody]

Oral Sex - An Ode To Love

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the fuck's he gonna cum

Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

=====

THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

 

[melody]

At The Theater

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the
night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!

=====

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood.

That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.

I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.

So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.

"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"

 

[melody]

Happy Valentine's Day To Everyone!

Valentine Surprise

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

==========

Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem
that'll touch your heart-

Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but i do like you.

I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.

You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.

If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.

Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?

When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.

I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz i'm really horney
and I want to get laid.

Happy VD!!!!!
==========
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly.
Bend over Babe,
'Cause here comes my willy!
***
roses are red, pickles are green
I love your legs and whats between
I like your style I like your class
but most of all I like your ass

==========

A guy gives his girlfriend a huge box of the finest
candy for Valentines day.

She looks at him and says "You shouldn't have".

He replies, "I know, but I figure what's one more
box of candy to a fat ass like yours".

 

[melody]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

=====

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to
an attractive girl and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal
question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so
let's get it over with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

=====

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his
girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys
a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the
flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off
from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come
now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

 

[melody]

Bad/Good To Worse

--Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
--Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
--Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
--Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
--Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
--Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
--Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
--Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
--Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.
--Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
--Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
--Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
--Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
--Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
--Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
--Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
--Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
--Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
--Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
--Good: Your son is ****** someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
--Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

 

[melody]

Aussie Sayings:
(In case 'ya ever yerself 'down-under'...........)

I'm Hungry

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."

"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."

"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."

"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."

"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."

"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."

"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."

"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."

"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."

"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."

"My back teeth are floating."

"Need to syphon the python."

"Takin' the kids to the pool."

"I got to take a snakes hiss."

"Gotta go have a slash."

"Gonna go water a horse."

"I'm off to drain the main vein."

"Time to splatter the bladder."

"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."

"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."

"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."

"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."

"Off to the bog to leave an offering."

"Time to snap off a grogan."

"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."

"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."

"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."

"I'm going to give birth to your twin."

"Need to choke a brown dog."

"I've freed Nelson Mandela."

"Going for a Rodney."

"Taking out the garbage."

"I gotta back one out."

"Release the Chocolate hostage"

"I gotta lay some cables for telstra"

Vomit:

"Calling for George."

"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."

"I left him a lawn pizza."

"Toss a tiger on the carpet."

"Gotta go Ralph"

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."

"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"

"About as useful as tits on a bull."

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."

"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."

"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."

"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."

"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."

"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"

"Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery."

"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"

"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."

"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."

"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."

"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."

"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."

"Couldn't organize a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."

"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."

"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"

"A stubbie short of a six pack."

"Seen better heads in a piss trough."

"You're as handy as shit on a stick."

"Tighter than a fish's arse."

"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."

"Face like a smashed crab."

"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

"He could talk a dog off a meat wagon."

"Fucked in the head."

"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."

"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."

"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."

"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."

"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."

"She's two pick handles wide."

"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."

"As ugly as a bag of spanners."

"You've got a head like a dropped pie."

"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."

"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."

"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"

"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."

"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."

"As thick as two short planks!"

"you got a head like a busted watermelon"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"

"He's True Blue."

 

[melody]

Bar Translations: What They Really Mean...

"No, really, I'm OK to drive." -- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts." -- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me." -- We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." -- Happy hour is about to end....now beers are 2 pounds, but by the next round they'll be 4 pounds a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time." -- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Let's get out of here." -- I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (female) -- I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (male) -- I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already." -- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?" -- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse me." (male to male) -- Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female). -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." -- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 pounds and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?" -- What's cheap?

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." -- I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

"That person looks really familiar." -- Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paypack in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?" -- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 19.

 

[melody]

Erotic Correction

Sally Jo taught erotic correction.
She told her student to get an erection.
"Put your dick in my mouth.
Move it north, move it south
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
and more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny
with fresh clover honey,
and butter my buns like a biscuit."

"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
and laces and leathers,
and wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
Bring in some goats and a sheik.
Then give my big titties a tweak
and now, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
of high grade Vaseline,
and a strong trampoline,
and all of the other equipment!"

"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a drummin',
that's when I'll start in a hummin',
then quickly, my dear,
put it into my ear,
so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
said her student, still covered with frosting.
"But I can say with affinity
that I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"

 

[melody]

Three Children
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he would put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I will just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you will love the third one just as if it is your own."
=====
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
=====
A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.

 

[melody]

The Power Of Shit

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate
with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the
English language.

CONSIDER THIS:

You can be shitfaced,
be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind,
have a shit fit
or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed,
shit brained,
shit blinded,
and shit over.

Some people know their shit
while others can't tell the difference between shit and
shinola.

There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
horse shit
and chicken shit.

You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit,
give a shit,
or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit,
or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit
and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.

Shit!

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic
building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to
know anything else.

 

[melody]

QUICKIES AND ONE LINERS

Quickies And One Liners:

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
~*~

What's the difference between a blond and a washing machine?
You can drop your load in a washer and it won't follow you
around you for a week.
~*~

Why do corporate honchos like to slap their assistants on the back?
Before they stab them in the back, they like to tenderize the meat.
~*~

If you could fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
~*~

Why is a condom like a Kodak print?
They both capture that special moment.
~*~

When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep. Like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror, like the passengers In his car.
~*~

WANTED: charcoal salesman. Must be a self-starter."
~*~

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
~*~

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed...
Oh wait! He does!
~*~

What do you call female Viagra?
Jewelry
~*~

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
~*~

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
~*~

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
~*~

Why did the woman cross the road?
What's that bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place.
~*~

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
~*~

Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
~*~

A Quickie - British Sex Pervert

Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a
gift shop and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures?

They charged him with statue Tory rape. Apparently, he is a
Hummel sexual.
~*~

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team
from the league needed to be eliminated.

What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay
Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one
team therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS... They're only good for
one period and have no second string.
~*~

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook
and really good with the kids."
~*~

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils
had been found in the area.

The blonde exclaimed, "Wow. I can't believe the dinosaurs
would come this close to the highway!"
~*~

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
~*~

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and
half the time they don't work.
~*~

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
~*~

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
~*~

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
~*~

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
~*~

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you...

If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
~*~

If it was true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
~*~

Click 'n Drag....a transvestite approaching in high heels.
~*~

Q: What is the meaning of a 3 1/2 floppy?
A: An excellent reason to end a relationship.
~*~

Q: Why do hunters make the best men for the job?
A: Because they always go deep in the bush, shoot twice and
eat what they shoot.
~*~

Q: A blonde a brunette and a redhead, all in the 3rd grade
who has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde, she's 18.
~*~

What's the difference between the pope and the president?
You only have to get on one knee for the pope.
~*~

Q. How does a teenage schoolboy propose marriage?
A. YOUR HAVING A WHAT!
~*~

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. From the time you cum, till the time she goes home.
~*~

Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
~*~

Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste
~*~

Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
A. Odor Eaters...
~*~

Q. What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A. Your wife will blow your bonus.
~*~

Q. Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?
A. So they can run their fingers through their hair!
~*~

Q. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A. she opens the car door!
~*~

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals Hair Spray
~*~

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
~*~

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
~*~

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
~*~

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him.
Then tell him to pick only one.
~*~

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

 

[melody]

10 Things Men Know

1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

9. Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

=====

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

 

[melody]

Billy-Joe & Betty-Sue

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...

He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."

"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...

Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ....

His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?

"Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could! "

His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

=====

A cock of a fellow named Randall,
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle,
He was much in demand,
For the colors were grand,
But most girls found him too hot to handle.

 

[melody]

A Blonde And The Dentist

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.

He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?" The woman shook her head. The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again." The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.

So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.

In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. He asked, "What's wrong?" She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."

=====

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

 

[melody]

A Blonde And The Dentist

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.

He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?" The woman shook her head. The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again." The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.

So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.

In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. He asked, "What's wrong?" She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."

=====

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"