JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Water Department

RING!

Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...

"Is this the water department?"

Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...

"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the
water"

I'll try and help...

"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"

You're not really serious...

"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white
coating on them!"

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

"Not only that, they're getting warped!"

I see...

"They used to be soft, pink and round!"

I'm sure they were...

"Now they really look disgusting!"

I'm sure they do...

"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"

I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with
your personal physician?

"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was
from the water!"

I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing
this?

"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that"

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

Now I understand...

"Are you going to buy me new ones?"

Why would we do that?

"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore.
He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to
really suck..."

May I ask how old your baby is?

"He's six, going on seven"

Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old
for the bottle...

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"

I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?

"Since he was born"

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in
the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they
are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six
years...

"So! You are refusing to pay!

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest
they might just be plain worn out.

"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"

There is really nothing more I can do for you...

"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"

Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can
file an insurance claim...

"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"

They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or
not...

"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay
more attention than you have?"

Just show them your nipples!!
(She has to be blonde, right?)
__________

Drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me,
but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'"

The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I
don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'"

"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "but I think
I just wiped my ass with your parrot."

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed
into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert,
you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director."



The first old geezer said,
"My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my
face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him.
"My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I
sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said,
"That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss
yesterday, I came three times."



A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a
stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to
the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her
wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does
not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the
girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he
begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts. The girl begins to
moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes
flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still
massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a
novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting,
"Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!!"

 

[melody]

Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, I'm so pissed off !

Oh yeah? What happened? asked the bartender politely.

See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!

Gee, that's tough! commiserated the bartender.

Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated, the customer went on.

When her husband came into the room he said; Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?

Yeech! the bartender shook his head. No wonder you're in a lousy mood.

Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!

Damn, that really is a drag! says the bartender.

Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!

The bartender paled. That would sure mess up my day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!
______

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q. What should you do if you come across an elephant in the middle of a jungle?
A. Wipe it off & tell him you're sorry!

Perverted Q & A Jokes

Q: What is the best birth control method for really-old
seniors?
A: NUDITY

Q: What does a rattlesnakes and a rubber have in common?
A: I know I don't fuck with either one of them.

Q: Why is a joke like a pussy?
A: Neither is any fun if you don't get it.

Q: How does one discern between "Herpes" and "Aids" ?
A: One is a love story the other a fairy tale.

Q: What's a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep
from becoming pregnant.

Q: Why do brunettes always wear training bras?
A: It's cheaper than changing their band aids every day!

Q: Why don't blacks like going to country dances??
A: Because when they hear there's a "hoe down" they think
their sister got shot.

Q: Why can't you get a good blow job in India?
A: All those cocksuckers are over here in America.

Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a
gay guy?
A: A hunting dog sics ducks.

Q: What does a girl from a trailer park and a bear have
in common?
A: They both lick their paws.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor
party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: Why do Country/Western singers have brown noses?
A: They've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

Q: Why are dicks like fishing?
A: You throw away the small ones...you eat the medium
ones and you mount the really big ones

Q: Whats the Fastest speed of sex ?
A: 68, because when you hit 69 you eat it.

Q: Why do sexy hunks have bad memories?
A: Umm... err... I forgot.

Q: If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom
and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the
bathroom....what are you WHILE you are in the
bathroom?
A: EUROPEAN... of course!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant
with a prostitute?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What is the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick

Q: How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
A: Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the pus run.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both looking for dead beaver.

Q: How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A: Stands behind his partner and throws warm yogurt on his back.

Q: What's the definition of gross?
A: Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.

Q: What's gross?
A: When you're eating cornflakes, and your brother asks what happened to his scab collection.

Q: What's the definition of disgusting?
A: Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.

 

[melody]

Twenty Four Hours

Mr. Smith hadn't been feeling very well lately, so his loving wife made
an appointment for him with their family doctor. She asked the doctor to
let her know immediately if the prognosis was unfavorable; she would
break the news to her husband gently.

Later that day, the doctor phoned. It was much worse than he had
originally thought --- her husband had less than twenty-four hours to
live. The only blessing was that when he went, it would be quick and
painless.

Mrs. Smith decided that this last night would be the most wonderful
night of her husband's life. She prepared his favorite meal and met him
at the door with his favorite cocktail in hand. After an exquisite meal,
they retired to the darkened bedroom for after-dinner drinks. She put on
her sexiest nightgown and perfume and approached her husband. "Whatever
you want to do, whatever fantasies you have, tonight is the night to
fulfill them." This included both oral sex and anal sex, which she would
never allow him to do before.

They made wild, passionate love. "That was great," Mr. Smith said.
"Let's do it again." So they did, and he said, "That was even better. Do
you see what you have been missing out on all these years? Let's do it
again!"

"That's easy for you to say," said his wife. "You don't have to get up
in the morning."


A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a
while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night
for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his
arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued
her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden
was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you
mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the guy asks,
Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for?
Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.
Guy: Oh yea, what is it?
Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, you have to go down to the end of the bar and
knock that big fellow there out in one punch.
The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.
Guy: Well, I think I could take him.
Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?
Guy: Yea I see it.
Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and you got to yank it out.
The guy thinks for a little while and replies
Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that.
Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.
Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!
Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?
Guy: Yea
Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.
Guy: I’m OUTTA THIS BET!
But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens...
The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender:

Guy: Now where's the old bitch with the rotten tooth.


A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?" The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".


A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass. When he is finished the bartender says,” well I guess you owe me $500." The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then ask..."How did you get that money from them?" The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad."


Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.


A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth.

 

[melody]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and
then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to
decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds
the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement
officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can
take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


Man/Woman Discovered....

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.

 

[melody]

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes
over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts
chugging away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.
Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes
he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So the guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you
to stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

`````
Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's friend's pussy. She slapped him and said not to do that because her pussy had teeth and it would bite!
Years passed and little Johnny grew into a man. He was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Are you ever going to feel my pussy Johnny?"
"I can't!" replied Johnny, "All pussy's have teeth!"
"What do you mean? My pussy doesn't have teeth!" his girlfriend replied, "Look I will show you!"
Johnny's girlfriend opened her legs wide for him to see and she opened up her pussy hole as far as it would stretch.
"Your right!" said Johnny, "But I'm not surprised you have no teeth, with gums like that!"

`````
Two blacks and a Polack are walking down the street. One black
snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The other
black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm."
The polack snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got this snot
on my finger!"

`````
Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth shit.
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

 

[melody]

Two Drunks

One day two drunks are sitting in a bar drinking. One drunk notices a
sign saying, "Lady in the back."

Being curious, they called the bartender over and asked what it
meant. The bartender says, "Well, there is a lady in the back that will satisfy
all your requests for only $20.00 and the answer to a riddle."

One of the drunks, thinking how cheap and easy it should be, gives the
bartender a twenty and heads for the back.

Laying on the bed is a beautiful and voluptuous red head. The drunk
says, "I paid my twenty so what is the riddle?"

The red head says, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you
bring my pussy back to me?"

The drunk thinks for a minute and then answers, "I don't know. How'd
the damn cat get out there?"

The red head laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

The drunk, pissed off and embarrassed, sits down by his buddy. The
buddy is anxiously waiting to hear what happened and asks, "Well, how good
was it?"

Feeling very embarrassed, the drunk answers, " I couldn't answer this
damn riddle about some f****** cat."

So the second drunk says, "Well, this I've got to try." He calls the
bartender over and throws him a twenty while heading for the back
room.

There lies the beautiful and voluptuous red head, all spread out and
smiling. She proceeds to say, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how
would you bring my pussy back to me?"

The second drunk answers, "Well, I don't know. Don't you think the
damn cat is dead by now?"

She laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

Now the drunks are pissed, frustrated, and out forty dollars. While
complaining to the bartender, in walks this huge sailor with his
duffle bag. He walks up to the bartender, throws a twenty down and
says, "Where
is the room?" The bartender stands back and just points the way for
the sailor.

The sailor opens the door and says, "Okay, let's hear it."

The voluptuous red head, with eyes open wide, sits up and says, "If my
pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to
me?"

The sailor, taking his duffle bag and throwing it on the floor says:

"Well, with this bag I'll make a boat,
And with my balls, I'll make it float.
With my dick, I'll make and oar,
And row your pussy back to shore."
********
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

 

[melody]

Making Love

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

xzxzxz

Interesting health fact :

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye!!

xzxzxz

How can you tell that Grandma's sex drive is alive and well?
She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!
What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.

What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside
How do you spell clitoris?"
I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago.

 

[melody]

Dark In Here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The
boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

The following weekend, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.

Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I
sold
them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,
"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
********
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

[melody]

Bill And Ted

Bill and his friend Ted were sitting in the pub talking about the funny faces they had seen their wives make from time to time.
Bill started of by saying, "One day, I'd accidentally pissed on the floor, and my wife went nuts, her face looked like a bullfrog being fucked. I still laugh when I think about it!"
"That's nothing," said Ted, "This afternoon, I was sitting down watching the TV, when my wife came in and said, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIX THE GODDAM SINK?' so I went over to the gunrack, pulled out my shotgun, took aim at her head and pulled the trigger!"
Bill's face started to turn green, and he said, "That's not funny!"
Ted started laughing, and said, "But you didn't see the look on the bitch's face when it was sliding down the wall!"
>>>>>
Sally arrived home from her date on a cloud. She tossed her coat over a
chair, her purse over the banister; she threw the rest of her clothing
around her bedroom with abandon.

The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked if she had had a good
time.

"Oh," she sighed, "I had a wonderful time!"

"I should guess so," her mother remarked. "Your underpants are still
stuck to the ceiling."
>>>>>
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest
that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this
a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it
is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

 

[melody]

Nasty Gay Jokes

There once were four gay friends that lived in a small town. Feeling
the need for freedom to truly be themselves, they moved to the big
city.
Once there they had a good ole time, but unfortunately one of them,
Lloyd, fell into the drug scene and ended up with aids.
After his death his three friends had his body cremated and got
together to divide his ashes so each could remember Lloyd in his own
way.
The first friend said,"I am going to take Lloyd's ashes with me to the
top of the highest mountain. There I will have a hang glider and as I
glide to earth I will scatter his ashes to the wind, because Lloyd
loved to hang glide."
The second friend said, "Well, I am going to go out on my boat with
Lloyd's ashes and sail into the sea. And when I am far away from all
land I will scatter his ashes on the water, because Lloyd loved to
sail."
The third friend just looked and them both and said, "Well, you can do
whatever you want, but as for me, I'm taking Lloyd's ashes with me to
Wendy's and sprinkling them on a bowl of chili so he can tear my ass up
one more time!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Two faggots were on the beach, one says to the other, "shall I put the
umbrella up?" The other one replies, "yes but don't open it!"


Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"


Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.
Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.
Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!
Q: Why are faggots always the quickest out of a burning building?
A: Because they've already got their shit packed.
Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!
Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a faggot?
A: When he tells you that he fucked you that night you passed out drunk
....on his couch!
Q: What do you call the foreskin on a faggot?
A: Mud flaps.


Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a faggot went to his doctor. The
physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me!"

 

[melody]

Four Catholic Men And A Catholic Woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
======
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
======
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
======
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
======
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

 

[melody]

Doggy Style

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen
door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the
floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big
hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her
real hard upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice
to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you
hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking
back to see who it was!"


A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he
caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch
a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry
it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton
out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it."
said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a
blue
uniform!"


Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A. A mugger snatches watches

Q. What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs?
A. Nice tits. Bitch.

Q. What does a woman do when she gets out of the battered
women's shelter?
A. The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Q. What's the best way to make a pussy talk to you?
A: Stick a tongue in it.

Q. What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of one another?
A. A block of flaps.

Q. What is love?
A. The delusion that one woman differs from another.

A Pet Rooster

A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater." The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go. "Oh, I understand.” but if that is the case "you should not come in either." The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!” So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies. About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out. The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out." Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty." "Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!"
=====
A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?" "Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning." "My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims. Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"
=====
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer.

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies.

His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."
______

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.

The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
______

Thought of the Day:
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where you get shitty ideas from.

Shorties

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Redneck Woman: "Fo'."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your
fourth child 'George'?"

Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."
======================================================================
What's the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?
A young one uses Vaseline to get it in. An old one uses polygrip to
keep it in.
======================================================================
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.
"What's to be proud?" asked the old man.
"I noticed that when you sneeze you've learned to put your hand in
front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"

======================================================================
How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying

in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

======================================================================
Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

 

[melody]

Cyber Chat

JHawk111420 [12:11 AM]: Hey whats up, a/s/l?

Lady Renegade [12:12 AM]: more than you want, I'm sure :)

JHawk111420 [12:12 AM]: ill take that as a challenge ;-)

Lady Renegade [12:12 AM]: take it any way you want sweetie

JHawk111420 [12:13 AM]: k, how old are ya?

Lady Renegade [12:13 AM]: probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20 ;)

JHawk111420 [12:13 AM]: k, what do ya look like?

Lady Renegade [12:14 AM]: before or after I'm dressed up?

JHawk111420 [12:14 AM]: both :-D

Lady Renegade [12:15 AM]: well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair,
nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels,
pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops traffic

JHawk111420 [12:14 AM]: and before?

Lady Renegade [12:15 AM]: before I'm dressed up
I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out

Lady Renegade [12:16 AM]: hello?

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*

There was an old girl from New Zealand
Who was put in jail for stealin'
She lay on her back, opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceilin'.

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*

There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*

She married a man named Tony
Who soon caught her fucking the pony
He cried, "What's it got
My dear, that I've not?"
And she sighed, "just a yard-long bologna."


Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex

~*~ "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
~*~ "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
~*~ "How come it's so BIG in there?"
~*~"You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
~*~"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"
~*~ (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
~*~ (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
~*~ "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
~*~ "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
~*~ "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
~*~ "Maybe if you did some push ups, your boobs would grow."
~*~ "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
~*~ "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday
night or something?"
~*~ "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
~*~ "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
~*~ "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."
~*~ "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
~*~ "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in
there!"

O0O0O0O0O0O

Little Johnny and his dad were in the front yard attempting to fly a
kite. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until Little Johnny's mom stuck her head out of
the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

Little Johnny's father yelled back "Shut the Fuck up you BITCH! I told
you yesterday that I needed more tail... and you told me to go fly a
fucking kite!"

 

[melody]

The Milkman

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time!

When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for. She replies: "Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday today, and he said: "So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks." But the breakfast was entirely my idea!"


Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"


A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse.

The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.

Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.

"You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?"

"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.

"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.

"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."


A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mom rather vigorously. While his mom doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink.
The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother!
The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Cyber Baby

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
****
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"
****
I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
****
A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theater, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

________________________________

10 WAYS TO KNOW
YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 5.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bedsprings.

6. You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

 

[melody]

Crabs

An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the
doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever
even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion." And
she did.
Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever
even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different. "I have
some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her.
"The good news."
"OK, you don't have crabs."
"Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked.
"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."

oooooo

Q: How is an old lady like Australia?
A: Everyone knows what's "down under" but who gives a shit?
Q: What is the main difference between a blonde and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everyone has been in a Rolls Royce.
Q: When does a Cub Scout graduate to a Boy Scout?
A: After he has eaten his first Brownie.
Q: What is a 72?
A: A 69 with a 5 percent meal tax.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend told her he loved her?
A: She believed him.
Q: How can you tell if your ladder was manufactured in Poland?
A: There is a sign on the top step that says, "stop."

 

[melody]

HOW DO YOU REALLY "SCORE" WITH WOMEN?
(Very long but a good laugh)


In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck
pulls away.................................................... -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1
You leave them under the bed...................................... -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings.................................................... +5
But return with beer.............................................. -5
You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom......................................... -2
You make the bed.................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
It's her father................................................... -10

Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy........................................ -2
Named Tiffany..................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6
Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze
at her lovingly.............................................. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump...................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"........................................ +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy
in bed"...................................................... -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8
You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12
You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16

Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together....................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car.................................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar............................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3
Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................. +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3
And the television is off......................................... -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing...................................................... +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause.............................................. -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200
Tattoo says "O'Farrell's - Been There, Done That!"................-500

Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends....................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.......................................................... +10
You wait up....................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35

A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................. 0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2

A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie........................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs..................................................... -15

Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected....................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25

Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5

Grooming
--------
You trim your nails............................................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8
But then, neither does she........................................ +8

Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120

Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal.................................................. -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60

The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression....................... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

 

[melody]

Your Girlfriend Is Ugly When...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs your tongue.

Daffynition - Virgin: a girl who doesn't give a fuck.

Q: Where do they post pictures of missing partial transsexuals?
A: On cartons of half-and-half.

Q: What is a birth control pill?
A: The OTHER thing a coed can put in her mouth to keep from
getting pregnant.

 

[melody]

Crude Sexy Q's & A's

Q. What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
A. The aids team.

Q: What's the difference between a freezer and a fag?
A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies.

Q: Why did the condom fly around the room?
A: Because it got pissed off.

Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt

Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?
A. Footlongs

Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q: What's the difference between men and hogs?
A: A hog won't spend 20 bucks on drinks just so he can fuck some pig.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: So they can get a better grip on the broom.

Q: Why do women fart after they have a piss?
A: They can't shake it, so they have to blow dry it!

The Ugliest Wife

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest
wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper
telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't
you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and
decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the
first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers,
she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.
Not so fast says the second, I got that beat.

And off they go to his house... He
bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three
step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the
third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone
around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear
this voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

====================

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

 

[melody]

A Man Named Jacques

One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named
Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up
some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual
desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and
brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent
the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police
and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of
the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the
judge with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin
my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room,
BOOM-BOOM,
give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a
lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape.You
must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at
the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her
cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent
everywhere!!!


A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
... The patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats.

During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.

Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer.

When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress.
"What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group.

The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"