JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Vasectomy Clinic

Two guys both had a 9:00AM appointment at a
vasectomy clinic. A nurse comes out to greet
them and explains that it is her job to prep them for surgery.
She takes them both to a private room and asked
the 1st man to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table.
She then proceeds to take his manhood in her hand and
masturbates him. "Whoa!" he says. "What's going on?"
She explains that this is standard procedure and that it is
necessary to determine if there are any blockages before
surgery can be performed. He thought that this wasn't so
bad and allows the nurse to finish her task.
She then tells him to have a seat on the side of the room.
The nurse then repeats the instructions to the second man
and, with a big smile on her lips, begins to perform oral sex on
him. Upon seeing this, the first guy said "Hey, what's this? I get
jerked off and the other guy gets a blow job. That's not fair!"
The nurse looked at him and said "Sorry buddy. That's the difference
between Blue Cross and HMO".

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money,
but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling
around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

On the clergyman's connecting flight the flight attendant had been
tipped off about his attitude to hard liquor and asked:
"Would you like some T.W.A. coffee reverend?"

To which he replied:
"No thank you, but I wouldn't mind some T.W.A. Tea".

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Little Johnny walked into his Dad's bedroom one day only to catch him
sitting on the side of the bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation
of fucking his wife:
Johnny's Father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom
on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked
curiously ''What ya doing Dad?'' His Father quickly replied ''I thought
I saw a rat go underneath the bed'' to which Little Johnny replied
''What ya gonna do, fuck him?''

 

[melody]

Inventions By Blondes

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpener
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alcohol

Reuseable ice cubes
See-through toilet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do-it-yourself road map
Turnip ice cream
Toe implants
An all white flag
Rolls Royce pickup truck
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits."

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

 

[melody]

Bobby And Carrie

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in "Carrie's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby,
so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father,
"Carrie really likes to screw, she'll Screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,
and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later,
Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces
that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"


The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes
bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices
Little Johnny fucking a goat in the yard.

She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son!
He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the
yard!"

"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.

 

[melody]

Clues A Gal Should Call It A Night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even
though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down
on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take off my shoes and walk around barefooted b/c I think it's
their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

---------- Post added at 06:12 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:18 PM ----------

Bumper Stickers

* We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* This is not an abandoned vehicle.
* I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
* It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
* Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
* Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
* My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
* When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
* I is a college student.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* Eschew obfuscation.
* Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law' s face on the back of a milk carton.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Don't steal. The government hates competition.
* Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
* Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
* I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
* Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
* Friends don't let friends drive naked.
* There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
* If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
* When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
* Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
* The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
* An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
* I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
* No radio. Already stolen.
* Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
* I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
* My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
* If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
* "KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
* My wife's other car is a broom.
* Constipated people don't give a shit.
* Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
* Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
* To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
* If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
* It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
* I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.

 

[melody]

A Helping Hand

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and
offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started
playing her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was
surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
Wasn't I good enough?"
he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still
itching!"
=======
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
=======
A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast, very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..." The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221!!!"

What do toilets, clitoris, and anniversaries have in common?
Men miss them all!

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

[melody]

Puss-Filled Boils

There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe
with big festering puss-filled boils. They were on her face, her arms and her
legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.

This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering
to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every
one of her boils.

She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this
guy was desperate for money and agreed to do the job.

He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it
off and revealed her boil covered body. The guy groaned at the thought of
the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went
to work, biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss
all over his face.

He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly
woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off boils on her inner thighs and
inside of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant,
covered with blood, pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on
the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.

"Okay lady..." the man said with a gasp, "I did it...now give me the five
grand..."

"Just a second, sonny..." the woman said with a grin, "there's one more
left!"

She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a
gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head growing right out of her ass.
The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell,
I've gone this far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..."
and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it
repeatedly trying to make it pop.

Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.

The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her:

"WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?!?"


A man and woman were having marital problems so they
Went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common
Ground from which to begin his analysis said,
"Tell me About anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said,
"Well, neither one of Us sucks cocks."

 

[melody]

If Men Wrote The Dear Abby Column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
**********
A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A
sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a
small dick." "Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big
mouth."

The Miner

A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking
around, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where're all the wimmin?"

The Barman replies, "Ain't no wimmin here, not fer a long time."

"Well what do y'all do?"

"We do it with the animals."

Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the
hills.

Months later, same story... After downing too many whiskeys he asked the
bartender, "You're sure you do it with the animals?"

"Yes, we do, sir"

Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley.
He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig
squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look
and saw half the town, horrified.

The bartender was in front and said, "My God, man, what are you doing?"

"I thought you said you all did it with the animals."

"Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff's broad!"
**********
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
The mirror answered with a grunt
It's sure not you, you ugly cunt
**********
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

 

[melody]

Bath Towel

A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. 'Who was th at?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?'

()()()()()

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bag

Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. He says "I would shoot her
below the left nipple" Bloke says "I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!"

Whats the difference between PMS and CJD ??
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??
You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"
"Aww did you ?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"
Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"
"No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !

Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neighbors were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"

This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!.............Jammy cunt.

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

A New Motorcycle

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
======
A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
======
Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out
the window?
She didn't have the balls.

 

[melody]

Disorder In Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.
________________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've not forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep
, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_____________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height
and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
_____________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was
dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Faith In God

A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest.
As the tide started to come in, a boat came by. The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you."
At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that He would not let him drown.
As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated,
"I have total faith in my God. He will not let me drown." So, the boat went away.
A third boat came by. This boater was frantic, being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and the man drowned.
Walking around Heaven, the man was clearly confused.
Then he saw God. "Lord, I had total faith in You. Why would You let me down like that? You made no effort to stop the tide!"
At which time God stated, "Holy Cow, man, what more did you want from Me?
I sent you three boats!!!"

A guy shouted to his girlfriend, "Come here and
look at my clock!"
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on,
and says, "That's not a clock."
"It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"

A man was driving home and a large bull-frog jumped in his car window.
Before he knew it, it had unzipped his fly and was giving him the
blowjob of his life. When he got home he handed the frog to his wife
who exclaimed, "What do you want me to do with that frog?"
The man said, "Teach it to cook, and then leave!"

"Why is Daddy so interested in the weather, Mommy?" the little boy asked.
"Actually, Billy, your father has never been interested in the weather."
"Never?"
"Never."
"Then why did he call Mrs. Smith six times on the phone to ask her if
the coast were clear?"

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually
set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

A man walked into a greasy spoon and ordered a hamburger. He watched
as the slovenly, shirtless cook grabbed a fistful of raw meat, crammed it
under his arm and began flapping his arm until it took the shape of a
patty. "Ooooo! That's gross!" shouted the customer.
"Hah! You think that's bad?" the cook retorted, "You ought to see how
I make glazed doughnuts!"

 

[melody]

June 1
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
June 2
This girl was ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won.
June 3
This girl was ugly. I took her to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail.
June 4
This girl was ugly. I took her to the beach. The tide went out and stayed there.
June 5
I tell ya, this girl was fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging. I told her, "You're standing on my foot!"
June 6
I tell ya, this girl was no bargain, she was fat. When she walks backwards, she starts beeping!
June 7
One girl turned me down, she told me she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, I'd be finished by then!
June 8
Last week, I had a bad experience. I went top a nude beach. They kicked me out. Yeah, they told me it's impolite to point.
June 9
Oh, with my wife, I gotta watch myself. When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
June 10
Ah, one thing in football don't make sense. The two-minute warning. What's the big warning? Everyone knows you have two minutes to play. To me a two-minute warning is ... like when you're in bed with a chick. The phone rings. It's her husband on his car-phone. He says, "Honey, I'll be home in two minutes." That's a two-minute warning!
June 11
Oh, my wife told me she needs five thousand dollars - all her mother's teeth have to come out. I told her, "I'll give you ten thousand dollars - take her tongue out!"
June 12
I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm ugly - he told me to lay on the couch - face down!
June 13
Just remember - it's lonely at the top ... when there's no one on the bottom!
June 14
I like southern girls. They talk so slow, by the time they say no - I made it already!
June 15
Aw, nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer - there was a worm in it!
June 16
Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home!
June 17
Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery - I cut up her credit cards.
June 18
Oh, my wife and I, we have our own arrangement. Yeah, one night a week I go out with the boys. And one night a week - SHE goes out with the boys!
June 19
I saw a girl at the bar, I told her, "You're a cute chick - how would you like me to be the rooster?" She told me to go cluck myself.
June 20
My trouble is - my sex life is on hold - and I got no one to hold it!
June 21
I got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom - he wants to learn how to beg! He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead!
June 22
I can't lose any weight, I tried jogging - I keep running into restaurants!
June 23
Oh, when I have sex with my wife, I always have a mirror in the room. Yeah, I put it under her nose to see if she's breathing!
June 24
My anniversary I made a toast - to the best woman a man ever had - the waiter joined me!
June 25
Oh, my wife signed me up for a bridge club - I jump off next Tuesday!
June 26
I'm getting old. I got no sex life - why, if I squeeze into a parking space I'm sexually satisfied!
June 27
Oh, I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places!
June 28
I got no sex life. At my age - I need a designated lover!
June 29
My wife and I, we have an off and on relationship. Yeah, everytime I get on - she tells me to get off!
June 30
Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst!

 

[melody]

One Liners

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call.
(pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

There's no business like show business,
but there's no job like a blowjob.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitutes for meat.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!

What do you call a ninety-year- old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

 

[melody]

Notes From Thoughtful Ron:
Long But I Thought It's Very Funny
(if your a man)

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron......
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating dinner out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider "telling people what they ought to do" to be one of my strong points.
Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Some-times she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I've had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know... get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But, I did tell her I don't like to be awakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way, she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb. 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his butt, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it, and she was released on Friday, Feb 4.

 

[melody]

An Elderly Couple

An eldery couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner
Together in a small tavern, the husband leans over
And asks his wife...

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together
Over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern
Where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok", he says, "How about taking a stroll a round
There again and we can do it for old times sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good
Idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
Listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having
Sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." He follows them...

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
Support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to
The back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down
And the old man drops his trousers, she turns around
And as she hangs on to the fence, the old man
Moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious
Sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling "Ohhhh, God"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the
Most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse
Panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned
Something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground
Recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet
And put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly
Amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask
Him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was
Something else, you must have been having sex
For about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together...
Is there some sort of secret?

"No, there's no secret" the old man says,
"Fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric."

 

[melody]

Falls Flat

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on
his face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed
he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and
is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!'

'How did you know?' he asks.

'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'


The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer
leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop.
The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the
counter, and unwrapped a condom.

"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."

The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice
cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the
arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.

"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for
that?"

"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep
freeze. Tonight, by Golly, I'm going to give it to her."


A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of
tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5
boxes
for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she
asks
the clerk if it was correct. He said, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."

She said, "That can't be right!" The clerk says,

"Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar. No strings attached."



I Will Survive
~To the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"~

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly fucker lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed ...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butt's a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your fuckin' ugly face ...

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Cuz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere!

I can't believe that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes, or simply bound and gagged.
I'm fucking off right now, I'm jumping on the flippin' train
and I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly little prick.
I should have fucked your gorgeous roommate, at least he's got a nice tight ass
But no, I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, and you have no class.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun,
Cuz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

Yes, in fact I do suffer from PMS ...
Putting up with Men's Shit.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

As the doctor removed the fourth peanut butter cup
from my rectum, I came to a very, very important
realization: There *is* a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but it seems
as if everything I eat lately turns to shit.

 

[melody]

****** DON'TS FOR GUYS

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things
NOT to say on a date...

"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"

"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to
be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I
date just won't be as smart as I am."

"Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear
hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could
run that fast."

~~~~~

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was
pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across
the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will
learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his
mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied -
"Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of
a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker
down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side
and put the mother fucker back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to
ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told
him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and
get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked, Dad. That's
the electrician's job."

~~~~~

For months the loving newlywed had asked his bride to give
him oral sex, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never
worked, for the blushing bride was simply too innocent and
inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let alone
attempt it.

But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and one
night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.
When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes and asked,
"How was I, sweetheart?"

He looked back at her and said, "How the hell should I know?
- I'm not a cocksucker!"

~~~~~

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands
when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10",
120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no
tan lines!!!

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly,
and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like
her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"

 

[melody]

One Liner Sex Jokes

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. Ménage é twat.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q: What do you get when you give a faggot Alzheimer's?
A: A guy who spends all day wondering why his ass hurts.

Q: How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?
A: You have to make airplane noises to get your cock in
her mouth.
Q: What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction?
A: A boneless chicken.

Q: How does the blonde know when her guy has cum?
A: The one standing in line behind him takes his place.

Susie's New Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a
cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,
"how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

****************
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor,
in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered
up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
frames."

****************
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful ( you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[melody]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

* You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

* The Sun is too loud.

* Trees begin chasing you.

*You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can hear mimes.

* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

* Things becomes "Very Clear".

* You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can skip without a rope.

* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

* You can travel without moving.

* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

* You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

* Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of people you are talking to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dilbert's Words Of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo!



Pregnancy Questions Answered By Paul!


Before The Pregnancy
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
*Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Are birth control pills deductible?
*Only if they don't work.
What is a chastity belt?
*A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
*No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
*Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
*Your therapist.


During The Pregnancy
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
*If it's the flu, you'll get better.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
*Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
*Childbirth.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
*With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
*Yes, your bladder.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
*Depends on what you're doing with them.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
*Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
*Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
*Right after you find out your pregnant.
What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
*It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.
What are forceps?
*Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
*Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.


After The Pregnancy
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
*No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
*When it's a girl, for starters.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
*In your breasts.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
*Yes, baby lips.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
*It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
How does one sanitize nipples?
*Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
What are the terrible twos?
*Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
*When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
*The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
*They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
*Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
What causes baby blues?
*Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
*A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
*Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
*When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
*Yes, pregnancy.

 

[melody]

Top 10 Online Lies

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".

9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more
about yourself."

7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"

6. "Yes of course I'm female............"

5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?"

4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan,
and buffed from working out"

3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and
get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)

2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is true,
except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")

1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.


Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they
came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle. Bubba stopped

to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road. Soon after,
Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had
happened.

"Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and
after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and
told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose the bicycle."

Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right
choice, cuz them panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[melody]

Glad To Be A Man And Glad To Be A Woman!

I'm Glad I'm A Man!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

 

[melody]

Where Babies Come From

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?"
"Jewelry, dear."

>>>>>

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of
listening until she heard the lady said to the guy,
"Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.
He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

>>>>>

A man went to church and saw his best friend crying there. "What
happened? What could be so bad?"

"My mother died yesterday," he sobbed.

"Oh my God! Not Mrs. C. How did that happen?"

"Well, it was hot yesterday, so we all had our beds on the balcony and
we were sleeping. My mother rolled over and fell off."

"Oh God, so that's how she died?"

"No. She fell to the third floor balcony, held on to the railing. That
broke and so she fell."

"So, that's how she died?"

"No. She fell to the second floor balcony, held on to the railing.
That broke and so she fell."

"So, that's how she died?"

"Uh, no, not exactly... She fell to the first floor balcony. We all
decided that she's destroying the house, so we shot her."

An Artificial Leg

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his Fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

3434343434

2 convicts were recently released from prison
as they stood at the bus stop waiting
one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man I'm horny'
the other ex-con replies 'yea me too'
the first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up
for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then
you can do me?'
the second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con
sodomize's him.
so then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow
ex-con he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back...
when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says
'Hey man none of that queer shit'

3434343434

Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favorite sexual position is next door.
Q. How do you recognize a gay Pakistani?
A. He has a red dot on the back of the head.