ok bro. thanks.
A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^
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ok bro. thanks.
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
---------- Post added at 03:23 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:14 PM ----------
DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started ******. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
---------- Post added at 03:26 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:23 PM ----------
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him.........????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….
And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first........!!!!
---------- Post added at 03:30 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:26 PM ----------
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!
---------- Post added at 03:33 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:30 PM ----------
At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies.
Father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo".
Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
---------- Post added at 03:23 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:14 PM ----------
DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started ******. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
---------- Post added at 03:26 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:23 PM ----------
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him.........????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….
And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first........!!!!
---------- Post added at 03:30 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:26 PM ----------
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!
---------- Post added at 03:33 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:30 PM ----------
At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies.
Father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo".
Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"
Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!
---------- Post added at 07:29 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 07:20 PM ----------
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!
---------- Post added at 07:29 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 07:20 PM ----------
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!
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A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
Well, yes, I did once."
Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual;
how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking at us, through the window."
---------- Post added at 09:18 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 09:16 AM ----------
Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'
She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'
She says, 'A hundred dollars'.
He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.
She says, 'Hold on.'
She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says, 'Okay'.
She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
Well, yes, I did once."
Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual;
how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking at us, through the window."
---------- Post added at 09:18 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 09:16 AM ----------
Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'
She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'
She says, 'A hundred dollars'.
He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.
She says, 'Hold on.'
She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says, 'Okay'.
She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'
hahaha
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
---------- Post added at 01:54 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------
"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
---------- Post added at 01:57 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:54 PM ----------
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
---------- Post added at 01:54 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------
"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
---------- Post added at 01:57 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:54 PM ----------
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
jokes jokes please.........
Based on a True Incidentsuper duper funny!!!
What happened @ Bangalore Airport
Special Report!!!
Airport Security : What's your Name?
Passenger : Batman
Airport Security : Your real name please?
Passenger : My name is Bat-Man
Airport Security : Are you trying to be funny? What is your family name?
Passenger : Superman
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room
Then they checked his Passport...
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check the attached pic for answer!!!
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What happened @ Bangalore Airport
Special Report!!!
Airport Security : What's your Name?
Passenger : Batman
Airport Security : Your real name please?
Passenger : My name is Bat-Man
Airport Security : Are you trying to be funny? What is your family name?
Passenger : Superman
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room
Then they checked his Passport...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
check the attached pic for answer!!!
.
Attachments
Last edited:
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British English vs. Malaysian English
Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind...
Malaysians: Don't want lah.
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Malaysians: Die lah!!
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians: Celaka you!
Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind...
Malaysians: Don't want lah.
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Malaysians: Die lah!!
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians: Celaka you!
A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist.
After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don't bleed.
After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don't bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" "Yes I do" the man replied. "Very well, then," the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man's finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. "Dead men do bleed!!"
---------- Post added at 01:00 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:57 AM ----------
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'
---------- Post added at 01:06 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:00 AM ----------
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist.
After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don't bleed.
After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don't bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" "Yes I do" the man replied. "Very well, then," the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man's finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. "Dead men do bleed!!"
---------- Post added at 01:00 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:57 AM ----------
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'
---------- Post added at 01:06 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:00 AM ----------
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2006
- Messages
- 1,509
- Points
- 1,683
How to be cruel to old guys: Eye Chart
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained.
"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like Im listening."
---------- Post added at 10:32 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:27 AM ----------
Buldeep singh went to Colombo for official matter and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
Buldeep singh : Who is speaking?
Servant : Servant Sir.
Buldeep singh : Where is the Madam?
Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
Buldeep singh : What? I am her husband came to Colombo today.
Servant: What can I do now sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.
(After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...)
Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
Buldeep singh : What...? No swimming pool?
Servant: Yes Sir
Buldeep singh : Sorry, wrong number!!!!!! !!
"Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained.
"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like Im listening."
---------- Post added at 10:32 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:27 AM ----------
Buldeep singh went to Colombo for official matter and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
Buldeep singh : Who is speaking?
Servant : Servant Sir.
Buldeep singh : Where is the Madam?
Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
Buldeep singh : What? I am her husband came to Colombo today.
Servant: What can I do now sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.
(After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...)
Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
Buldeep singh : What...? No swimming pool?
Servant: Yes Sir
Buldeep singh : Sorry, wrong number!!!!!! !!
Good stuff bro. I particularly enjoyed the bangla, indon and Malaysian one. Hahahaha
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