A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^

[es2611]

keep em flowing bro zac. appreciate the effort. cheers!

 

[zac]

WARNING!!! Too much laughter endanger your JAW!!

Doctor's Last Word....

A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to
see a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must
call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it."

"Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be
you have your own
reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help
you."

"Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we
parked our car
besides the beach and we were alone... and... he
held my hand...."

"Did he hold your hand like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now"

"If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be
called Bastard. It means
he doesn't want to be separated from you."

"Then, he leaned his body towards me... and
hugged me..."

"Like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing."

"It's not a Bastard.
It means he wanna stay forever by your side"

"Then he kissed me..."

"Like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me."

"If its only a kiss like this, seriously you
can't call him Bastard.
it means he adores you."

"Then he put his hands inside my clothes and
touched my boobs, Doc..."

"Like this?"

"Yes, Doctor... exactly like that"

"It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he
wants to protect you."

"Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... "

"Did you resist?"

"No. I let him do it, coz I love him..."

"Did he take off your clothes like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like
now......"

"He still doesn't deserve to be called "Bastard,
because it means he
wanna learn about your body completely."

"Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and
had sex with me..."
...............................................................
...............................................................

"Did he do it just like what we do?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same"

"You still can't call him Bastard. It means he
needs you."

"But then he told me that he has AIDS"

All the staff and patients outside heard the
doctor screaming," BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!"

 

[SDF]

waaahahahahaaaaaahahahaaaaa.....

we have a winner !!

 

[yeehau86]

pity that doctor

 

[zac]

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret
in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

 

[es2611]

keep the jokes coming bro. cheers!

 

[zac]

Three answers most scared by men(manglish version)


（1）Whatever
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face

Men: Alright, how bout Si Chuan cuisine

Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?

Men: Hmm.....then I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?

Women : Whatever..




（2) Anything

Men: So what should we do now?

Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie

Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only

Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?

Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tired meh?

Men: Then find a café and have drink

Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?

Women: Anything


（3）You decide

Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide

Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you

Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la

Men: Ok we will take Taxi

Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance

Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk

Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?

Men: Then what you suggest?

Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anyting
.......................................................................................................................................

 

[SDF]

truth and facts of life.........

 

[zac]

ahhahahaha... but we should tolerate woman bacause man are happier...

And Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. &! gt; Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier

 

[SDF]

Bravo !! Well explained..........

 

[spring]

agreed!!

 

[es2611]

Awesome! keep it up bro zac. ur the mayn.

 

[SDF]

got this email from a friend... enjoy mates !
------------------------------------------

After sex, Thai girl kept fondling man's cock.
Man asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Thai Girl replied: "No lah, just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

Women's lives are hard. Morning wash clothes. Noon hang clothes.
Evening keep clothes. Nite iron clothes.
Midnight take off clothes. After midnight find clothes.

To make it straight she pulls it. To make it stand she rubs it.
To make it stiff she licks it. To let it in she pushes it. True?
Threading a needle is not easy.

Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

A Sad story. A woman's husband died & she had him cremated. She then
blew his ashes into the ocean and said
" Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

Girl: "Mom, what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl you will get one."
Girl: "But mom what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many!"

A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary: "If
I give you $3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra and Panties."

Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

Two sperms talking on mobile.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a
PENIS. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple
thought....

 

[es2611]

second one is awesome bro.

 

[calvin9683]

nice thread...
some had read before...but its still funny to read it again...

here's my contribution...
just received this e-mail...
--------------------------------------------------------
Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much

---------- Post added at 01:54 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------

Old men may walk slow, but think FAST

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

---------- Post added at 01:57 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:54 PM ----------

Psychiatrist vs Bartender

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRIST.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER

---------- Post added at 01:58 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:57 PM ----------

Live to be 80??

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why would you want to live to 80?

 

[Supra_Fanatics]

Hmm...so there are 2 ppl who post jokes for us to read now...a lady before and now a guy

good good...

 

[calvin9683]

Be Careful wat U Wished For!!

> A Man and his Ostrich
>
> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him..
> The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
> and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
> "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his

pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
> man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says,

"I'll have the same."
>
> Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact
> change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
>
> "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night,
> so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
> "Same," says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
> and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity
> any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come
> up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
> attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
> offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
> anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
> of money would always be there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
> wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich
> as you want for as long as you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
> Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for
> a tall chick with long legs who agrees with
> everything I say."

---------- Post added at 02:05 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:03 PM ----------

Priests Do Not Lie!!

> > A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland
> > asked the Priest beside her.
> > 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
> > 'Of course. What may I do for you?'
> > 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer
> > for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over
> > the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
> > Is there any way you could carry it through Customs
> > for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
> > 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
> > will not lie.'
> > 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
> > When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
> > her.
> > The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
> > 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
> > to declare.'
> > The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And
> > what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
> > 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
> > woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
> > Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next !'

---------- Post added at 02:08 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:05 PM ----------

How to Survive Tough Economic Times

Managing to survive these tough economic times!

A Punjabi lawyer working abroad wrote to his wife...

DEAR Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crises has affected my company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.


Your loving husband,
JITA SINGH



His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses,
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.
5. Miscellanoeous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...

Shall I plan the same for the next month? Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

---------- Post added at 02:09 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:08 PM ----------

Just For Laughts

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on

The Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee. So they stopped in

the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would

take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough

to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so
she proceeded to wipe with it.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day,

one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent

wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the

worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card

stuck in her bum that says:
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll Never forget you. '

---------- Post added at 02:11 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:09 PM ----------

> " KAN PEI "
>
> Once there was a Chinese wedding dinner. The dinner occupied only
> half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some American tourists.
>
> As the wedding Chinese couples hop from table to table to toast the guests,
> the cheers of " KAN PEI .. " (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder
> and louder.
>
> One American gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him. "
> KAN PEI ...!" " KAN ..... PEI "....!!!" The cheers continued.
>
> Finally, the irritated American couldn't take it anymore. He stood up
> on his chair and shouted. "OK! OK! I HEAR YOU.
> IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU....!"
>


> Indon, Bangla & Malaysian
>
> An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian Chinese are in a bar one night
> having a beer. The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his
> glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
>
> He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
> from the same one twice."
>
> The Bangladeshi obviously impressed by this drinks his beer, throws his glass
> into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
>
> He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
> need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
>
> The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into
> the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.
>
> He says "Nyamah! In KL we have so many Indon and Bangla that we don't
> need to drink with the same ones twice."

---------- Post added at 02:14 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:11 PM ----------

CORPORATE LESSON #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n*ked in front of Bob.

Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:

**Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!



CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

**Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!



CORPORATE LESSON # 3

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,

I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and Jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.

The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool
And shouted, "CRAP !!!!!!!..... ...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

**Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.



CORPORATE LESSON # 4

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing Work?"

"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

**Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.

---------- Post added at 02:16 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:14 PM ----------

SARDAR IN AUSTRALIA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia ). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him
have dog food. Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.


Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the F*** is this?! This is shit you Bas****?!?
And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper..

---------- Post added at 02:17 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:16 PM ----------

Deadly Virus

The Center for Disease Control USA has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life!!

---------- Post added at 02:25 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:17 PM ----------

Joke of the Day

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.
The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest.
The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"
The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?"
The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

---------- Post added at 02:32 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:25 PM ----------

To All those who're from Spore/Malaysia...or have families from there. You might enjoy this.


Another Singaporean joke - Ah Beng replies.......


With the release of the inflation figure of 6.8 percent, this becomes a relevant reminder

Intro: The first letter was posted last year, in one of the forums I participate in, by a person who goes by the nick "ChinChaiOne" and he named his thread "Tolong Tolong". It was picked up by other forums, circulated around (even in govt depts) then someone who posed as an official in the PM's office posted a reply.


OPEN LETTER COFFEE SHOP TALK

From : ChinChaiOne
28-Apr 12:15

Dear Prime Minister,
We citizens of Singapore urge you to PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
We DO NOT NEED your help. Every time, you mention HELP, we have to run for cover!!!

Help the poor? Raise GST!

Help traffic flow? Up ERP!

Help passenger service? Up Bus fare/MRT fare!

Help us get taxi? Raise taxi fare!

Help us get good government? Raise Minister and Civil servant salary!

Everytime YOU WANT TO HELP, we all PAY FOR IT!!!

THANK YOU THANK YOUTOLONG LAH, please, we will HELP OURSELVES, no need your help liao. We DARE NOT ask for help any more!!!

Sir, most honoured sir, I urge you NOT TO HELP Singapore INVEST also!
Everytime your wife invest, we all lose money! Kao liao, kum siah!
Just let us have a dose of bad governance, like recently the Mat Selamat case, like dat.so far, it is ok, your incompetence, we ACCEPT!

PLEASE DO NOT help us have better security! Wait we all kena PAY FOR IT!!
I believe ALL SINGAPOREANS PREFER NOT TO HAVE CRUTCH MENTALITY!
I think it is ok lah, please just take your salary and enjoy life ok?

Thank you thank you,
I am very chin chai one, any how any how, no need to help oso can one.


Following is a reply from the Prime Minister's Office:
Date: Saturday, 2 August, 2008.

Dear Chin Chai One,

10Q you for your letter. On behalf of the Prime Minister, I am replying to your letter as follows:

As the erected party of Singaporeans, we are here to serve.

We are demon-cratic country, you are master, we gahmen servant, we serve you. You got problems we must help. You say no need our help? That means you're not Singapore's master. You say you run for cover? Cannot one, our police will find you.

GST is to help the Gahmen to help yourself. The Gahmen Service Tax is everywhere, you go America also have one, cannot run one.

Traffic very bad, so bad that we have to hold car racing at nite to avoid traffic jam. We believe there is no free lunch like PM's father say before, you use, you must pay, so Every Road Pay. So you see no ERP cannot one.

Needless to say, passenger service also must pay. The increase in bus fare and MRT and taxi fare are very little already. We foresee world inflation coming: oil, steel, pay of foreign talents, etc, so we have to pay for the service.

You see, many foreign talents come to Singapore . If we don't pay our ministers well, they will go other countries to be their foreign talents. So must raise salary to keep them. If not, Nathan, Shanmugam, Bala etc will go India and work. Khaw will go Malaysia . etc etc. Must keep them. To keep them must pay well.

You are right, any help also must pay.

To help yourself? No, it's illegal. You mean you can build your own MRT? Run your own buses? Drive your Ba-Ong-Chia? Build your own roads? Seow liao!! Every one help himself then how? No social order lah! Ga ga ask for help, we are here to serve you.

We understand some of you have temporary problem. Don't worry, it is only short term. We must look long term. We must invest long term. Now lose a bit don't cow beh cow boo, long term! Yes, remember. 30 or 50 years later we will own Swiss banks, US banks, UK properties, maybe even South Pole condominiums. We must tighten our seat belt and bite our false teeth. The future very bright. As long as you continue to support the gahmen 30 to 50 years you will see bright future. So Chiang See Tong a bit lah. Also, investing is very complicated business, not easy. We must pay school fee to learn from advanced countries.

On Selamat's case, we also must learn our lesson. We encourage life-long-learning. I learn whole life time, you learn whole life, Mr Wong Can't Sing also whole life learning. It's actually good. Mr Wong already apologise, don't force a dog to jump over the wall, the wall may collapse. Old dog cannot jump high also.

Selamat's case gives us many lessons. We must be on alert, not too complacent. Now every Singaporean know there can be a terrorist among us any time. This is the best self defence education !! PM will give Mr Wong another salary increment for that.

Also now we merge the prisons and detention centre, more space will be available now. We will build it like another IR, Integrated Retention - so those don't want our service and thinking of doing illegal service will go there. We will pass a new law too, the expenses for stay in that IR will be deducted from your CPF money.

Remember we must be grateful to people who help us -- and pay.

I hope I have explained the situation and give you the message clearly. If you still need help, please call my handphone: 9990-6767 , it's toll-free.

By the way, Mr Chin Chai One, our pioneer Toh Chin Chai already toh long ago. So if you choose to be Chin Chin Chai Chai, you will also Toh.

10Q you again,

Reguards,
AhBeng
Grassrude secretary

---------- Post added at 02:35 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:32 PM ----------

The three Dolls in a man's life are:


1........His Daughter,

'Baby doll'




2.........His Girlfriend,

'Barbie doll'



3.....His Wife,




Wait for it

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




'Panadol'



Go on girls; admit it, even you laughed!!!

---------- Post added at 02:41 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:35 PM ----------

Most Embarrassing Feminine Moments
A contest was organized by "New Woman Magazine" on "Most Embarrassing moments" topic.

The following are few good embarrassing moments that magazine received from several women.


--------------- Curl Up and Die ------------------
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX


---------------------- Pad, please! ---------------
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of

facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.

He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman, 46, Wnston-Salem, NC



----------------------- Ho, Ho, Ho ----------------
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son,

I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!


----------------------- Lady Golfer------------------
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type

I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking

gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI



--------------------- Nuts about You----------------
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking

the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,

"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,

and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD




The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine":

----------------- Na-na na-na na-nah! ------------
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia


------------------- Surprise! ----------------------
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening,

so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call,

we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"

My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were

frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York


------------------ Priceless ----------------------
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moments stories I've come upon in a long time was

about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,

"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word

"Tampax" for THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN

WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"


----------------- Mom's Advice-----------------------
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and

whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother

and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate

only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

---------- Post added at 02:46 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:41 PM ----------

Bus Ride

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

---------- Post added at 02:47 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:46 PM ----------

Quote for the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap, you will get a bucket full of shit.

---------- Post added at 02:56 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:47 PM ----------

Chinese Customs

> >A Chinese man moves to Australia after 50 years of Living in Shanghai. He
> >buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A Few days after moving in the
> >friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to
> >the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees
> >the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not
> >wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome
> >on hold for the day.
> >
> > The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on
> > the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man
> > urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another
> > 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another
> > day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next
> > door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause,
> > and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
> >
> > The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and
> > says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese Customs? I come
> > over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the
> > yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it,
> > and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could
> > just about shit on you.
> >
> > The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand,
> > these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs'.
> >
> > 'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian
> > customs.'
> >
> > 'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent tell me'.
> > ' He say, to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and
> > listen to bull-shit'.

---------- Post added at 02:57 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:56 PM ----------

Daddy how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

---------- Post added at 02:59 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:57 PM ----------

> Subject: 80% of M'sians going to UK to study law?
>
>
>>> UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
>>>
>>> Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
>>>
>>> Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in
>>> Malaysia .
>>>
>>> Visitor: Why do you say that?
>>>
>>> Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty
>>> years, and I'd say 80%
>>>
>>> of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read
>>> law.
>>>
>>> Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never
>>> knew. Hard to believe in fact.
>>>
>>> Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here
>>> until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to
>>> read law.
>>>
>>> *Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia
>>> comes to immigration counter*
>>>
>>> Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
>>>
>>> Ah Chong: Study lorr...

---------- Post added at 03:00 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:59 PM ----------

Subject: Why We Use English for IT

Why Malaysian Government insists on using English for math and science?
This is because the whole world uses the language as an information and/or technology language. How dangerous it will be if we try to use Bahasa , especially in school. See example below:-

Hardware = barangkeras
Software = baranglembut
Joystick = batang gembira
Plug and Play = cucuk dan main
Port = lubang
Server = pelayan
Client = pelanggan


Try to translate this:

ENGLISH:
That server gives a plug and play service to the client using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client.

Now in BAHASA:
Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira itu akan dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan.

Now you know...WHY.. .

---------- Post added at 03:07 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:00 PM ----------

The cycle of 'Missing' goes like this in Malaysia ;

Get Vietnamese workers, dogs missing.
Get Bangladeshi workers, Malay girls missing.
Get Indonesian workers, money missing.
Get Indian workers, jewellery missing.
Get Chinese workers, husbands missing.
Call the police, the evidence goes missing,
Call the lawyers, the judge go missing,
Call the ministry of transport, the reports go missing
Change the government, funds go missing,
Say something and you may be missing.

 

[zac]

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You

order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish
you had ordered that.


*********

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

*********


Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


*********

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?


Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


*********

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.


It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

*********

Q: Why dogs don't marry?


A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*********


There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he
would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru

hell.

*********


Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?


A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!



*********

 

[es2611]

no more update ke? pls.

 

[calvin9683]

haha...i've posted everythin in my mail box....
but i do hav another mail acc which is damn full!!!
for the time being....
would hav to wait for other bros to update more....