Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How cum?"

What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

What do you call a truck load of vibrator?
Toys for Twats.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

There's no business like show business,
but there's no job like a blowjob.

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
but you come in one, and go in the other!

How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends... [LOL!!!]

 

[melody]

How The Seven Dwarfs Got Their Names...

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage
And went on in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "You'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him,
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White them whimpered
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said, "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf "DOC".

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
Next time you order 7-Up!

 

[melody]

Cyberbia

I turn on my computer and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room and you know what happens next.
We think and type and talk about different kinds of sex.

Just about 9 days pass and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto NOTHING will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online love & we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed & my stomach's sticking out!

So, now my head is spinning I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one, EXCEPT...my online boo.
No, wait just a minute. Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant by having cyber sex with me!

I call the local clinic and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me, I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger with every passing day.
Who would have thought you could get pregnant this way?

A pregnancy test was taken, it came back with a yes.
I Instant messaged my online lover and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents and gave him my due date.

When all the shock was over, he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me & he'd help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push & out pops a CD ROM!!

I put it in the computer and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer, comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...before you get some cyber dick!

 

[melody]

A Bored Forester

A forester is very much bored with his job in the forest mountains. He

is bored because he hasn't had sex for many years. He decides to go
down to the valley to look for females. Before going down, he promises
himself to have sex with the first female he should meet on the way. He
then embarks on his journey and in a short time happens upon a female
horse. He just can't control his urge for sex, so he says to himself ,
"I'll fuck this horse because I just can't wait anymore."

He chases and chases and chases the horse but cannot catch it. While
chasing, he hears a voice crying for help. He immediately runs to the
source of the voice, where he sees a man trying to rape a woman. He
hurries to help her and is successful.

In return for his heroic behavior, the woman says, "For saving me from
that sex maniac, name your price, and I'll pay it. Anything. I mean,
anything."

The man replies, "Really? Are you sure? Anything?"

When the woman says yes, he excitedly says, "Come on, help me chase
that fucking horse!"

 

[melody]

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual
activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she
was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she
got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs
behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she
was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.

She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked
herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she
had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck
with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed,

"For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in!
You look like an asshole!!"

 

[melody]

During a university course in human sexuality, the instructor was
discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a
woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with her...Who was HE?'

 

[melody]

Q What do Kiwi Blokes use as an aphrodisiac?
A Mint Sauce

Q How did the Kiwi farmer find his sheep in the long grass?
A Very satisfying

Q What do you call a kiwi farmer with a sheep under one arm, and a
goat under the other?
A Bi-sexual

 

[melody]

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he
is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified
when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its
debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre
wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he
sits in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse,
golden showers, S&M and near the end a dog has intercourse with the
leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple
and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music."

The elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."

 

[melody]

Q: What was Moby Dick's father's name?
A: Papa Boner.

Q: How is a blonde and a pitcher different?
A: A blonde doesn't mind when you charge the mound.

Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.

Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town?
A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the
blues and then one week of rag time.

Q: Did you hear about the new high school course?
A: Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to come.

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't come.

Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Your wife.

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.

Q: How come you never see the Taco Bell Chihuahua dancing at a party?
A: Because he has two left feet.

Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.

Q: What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?
A: Learn to swim.

Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
A: Having your dentist confirm it.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with Honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Q: What did the girl say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's
pants?
A: "Where's the beef?"

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Q: Have you heard the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: "They'll never see you coming."

Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A: The guy that gave it to him.

Q. What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A. Both need a hoe to stay in business.

Q: How do women get minks?
A: The same way minks get minks.

Q: What do you call a 1000 pound woman on a bar stool with a new condom?
A: 1/2 ton pickup with good rubber.

Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper.

Q: What do you call a female turtle?
A: A Clitortous.

Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A: Not a *damn* thing!

 

[melody]

Dear Mom And Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and
2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when
it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.
He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.
Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until
his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and
if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the
highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads
where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and
swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me
because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because
of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.

It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot
of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was
just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick
that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and
became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get
things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters
and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

 

[melody]

Naughty Rhymes

Mary Mary Rhyme
Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
~~~
Row Your Boat Song
Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff, that's enough and pass it to a friend.
~~~
Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said "I don't wanna"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
~~~
I'm A Little Penis Rhyme
I'm a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!
~~~
Jack Rhyme
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!
~~~
Mother Hubbard Rhyme
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!
~~~
Peter Peter Rhyme
Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed
~~~
Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard
~~~
Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!
~~~
Little Boy Blue
Little boy blew,
he needed the money.
~~~
Little Bow Peep
Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.
~~~
Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Mary had a little lamb
it's fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jumped a fence
you could see it's pink asshole.

 

[melody]

BLONDES ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

[melody]

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

[melody]

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

[melody]

IN PAIN

A brunette goes to see her doctor: "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the Doc. "Well, if I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts." "Tell me," said the Doctor, "Do you dye your hair?" "Yes," she said "I'm really a blonde." "I thought as much, you've broken your finger."

 

[melody]

TRACKS

There were two blondes walking in the woods. As they were
walking one of them noticed some tracks on the ground. One
stops the other one and says "Look deer tracks." The other
goes "Those are not deer tracks those are bear tracks." So
they fight about what they are and are not, and the next day
the paper head lines read "Two Blondes Killed By Train".

 

[melody]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[melody]

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

[melody]

ASTROLOGY

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says: "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

 

[melody]

Brilliant Santa

Banta: Sir we got a huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarass us.

Santa: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE....