Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Clues A Gal Should Call It A Night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even
though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down
on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take off my shoes and walk around barefooted b/c I think it's
their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

 

[melody]

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin around a pussy?
A. A woman.

Q. Why was the woman crossing the road?
A. Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 10 years your job will still suck.

 

[melody]

Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought :

"I don't fucking think so".

 

[melody]

Q: What did god say after creating Adam?
A: I can do better

Q: What did god say after creating Eve?
A: Shit, guess I was wrong.

Q: What goes HAHAHAHAHAHA thump thump
A: A guy laughing his balls off.

 

[melody]

The groom stood naked in front of the mirror admiring his physique.
"Two inches more and I'd be a king."
"Yes," said the bride, "and two inches less and you'd be a queen."

«::::»

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class,
and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.
She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the
postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

 

[melody]

How can you tell if your date really enjoys oral sex?
She unzips your fly every time you yawn.

Why do women have two sets of lips?
~ One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.

What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.

 

[melody]

Stupid Alligator Trick

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

 

[melody]

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,

"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

 

[melody]

What is FOREPLAY?

1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.

 

[melody]

Come Ons And Come Backs

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking on my cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch that's impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me.... as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it in ya.

 

[melody]

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

 

[melody]

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

 

[melody]

Cool One Liners

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have
two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

 

[melody]

Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms

Duct Tape Trick
Wrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely fuck it without the danger of a messy split.

Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).

Dutch Treat
The unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be very messy.

DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core porn industry norm.

The Electric Chair
Your psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your Frankenstein and proceeds to get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile dysfunction after performed.

Felching
A gay activity which I do not condone at all. It happens when one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail. *note: never seen it done with a straw...

Fish Eye
From behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion signaling that she has been there and done that.

Fish Hook
When you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.

Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!

Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.

The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move.

 

[melody]

Lick The Clit

You try so hard to lick me well,
There's something I should really tell,
You're licking all around my mound,
But there's one place where pleasure's found.
It's not that high or down that low,
It's not that fast and not too slow,
Don't waste my time and all that spit,
Just stay your punk ass on my clit!
With your finger or with your tongue,
Stay on that clit till the job is done.
Suck it like a little dick,
The only place that you should lick,
Do not move until I cum,
The other stuff is really dumb.
I'm telling you to help you know,
The clit's the ONLY place to go.
This is a tip for giving head,
You'll be an expert in the bed.
Women want all men to know,
Do it hard and do it slow.
Don't be lazy, this takes a while,
But it will always make her smile!
After she cums then you can fuck,
And with a little bit of luck,
Your woman will be thrilled in bed,
You've finally learned to give good head!

 

[melody]

Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

 

[melody]

Q: What do women call a mushroom with a 10" stem?
A: A fungi to have around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q: Why do men have assholes?
A: So they won't be total pricks.

What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.

 

[melody]

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

 

[melody]

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

 

[melody]

Fresh Pine Scent

A woman gets into the elevator after shopping at lunch time. She is returning back to work once the doors close she feels a serious fart coming on. With nobody else in the elevator, she feels comfortable so off she goes and drops a bad one.

After having to endure the smell for a moment or so she feels embarrassed so she pulls out a can of air freshener that she has just bought. She sprays it around and thinks that's that.

At the next floor, a man gets into the lift and looks rather uncomfortable as he continues to sniff.

"Is there something wrong?" says the woman.

"Yes," says the man. "It's the smell."

"What does it smell like?" she asks. "Air freshener?"

"No," he says. "It smells like somebody has shit in a pine tree."