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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064408677" data-attributes="member: 14320">A Farmer And His AttorneyA farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defendhim against a charge of bestiality."I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive anddoesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued,"who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how topick a jury."The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediatelyhad second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began histestimony."I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and whenhe was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given uphope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow nextto him, "You know, a good goat will do that~~~~~Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guesswhat! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Mom is understandablyconfused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like apeanut?" "No silly, it's salty!"~~~~~Two guys are drinking at a bar.The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something,and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets,and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits,and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife lastweek, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'Nasty Q's & A's1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?Answer: Hair balls.2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?Answer: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?Answer: Come in five flavors4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?Answer: Crust5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing (OMG!)7. What do you get when you cross a Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury DoughBoy?Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey9. What's the definition of a tongue-twister?Answer: A spiral pussy!10. Why do tampons have strings?Answer: So that you can floss after you eat!11. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?Answer: Nobody eats parsley!12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?Answer: A blow job with handle bars13. Why do women have two holes.Answer: So that when they are drunk, you can carry them like a six pack!14 What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?Answer: All you can eat.... under a buck.15. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.16. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?Answer: cherry float.17. What did the after hours sign on the whorehouse door say?Answer: Beat It - we're closed.18. Why do bull walruses go to Tupperware parties?Answer: To find a tight seal.19. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?Answer. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.20. Why don't they let women swim in the ocean anymore?Answer: They can't get the smell out of the fish!21. What's the speed limit of sex?Answer. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.22. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?Answer. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"23. Why is air a lot like sex?Answer. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.24. What's another name for pickled bread?Answer. Dill-dough25. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?Answer. He heard the snow blower coming.26. When do Monica Lewinsky's cheeks get puffy?Answer: When she's withholding evidence27. What's the difference between a bowling ball and a pussy?Answer: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!28. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?Answer. Because they don't have balls to scratch.29. Why is sex like a bridge game?Answer. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.30. Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?Answer: He could read lips!31. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?Answer. Because it scares the hell out of the dogAol ObsessionA woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finallytakes matter into her own hands.One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom,takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she postsherself between her husband and his monitor.She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" -"Super Sex""Super Sex"!!!!Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."@@@@@GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven6 INCHES - OH PERFECT5 INCHES - UMMMM OK4 INCHES - PUSH MORE3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!@@@@@A biker and his new bride show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoonsuite."Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist."Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."How To Give A Blow Job(And Blow His Mind)Blowjobs aren't just for men's pleasure. That's right, many women say the feeling of control it gives them combined with the oral stimulation is a turn-on in its own right.. Read on for tips and techniques to make a blowjob an ultimately satisfying experience for all involved.The Anatomy Know what you're getting into: Glans: The head of the penis Frenulum: The underside of the glans; ** the most sensitive part ** Shaft: The length of the penis Perineum: The area between the anus and the testicles Testicles: Where sperm is made and stored for ejaculation. Basic Up & Down Position yourself comfortably: Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breathe lightly, whisper, tickle. Switch to sucking. Create a vacuum by pursing your lips, then using them to surround his penis. Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck. Use your saliva as a lubricant. Stroke with your hands while sucking. Twist your hand as you move up and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation. Beyond Sucking Licking & nibbling is quite stimulating: Run your tongue around the glans, then focus on the frenulum. Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking. Lick the bottom of the shaft while using your hand to fondle the glans, and vice versa. All-Around Focus There's more to the penis than meets the eye: Take his balls gently into your mouth and suck. Run your tongue along his perineum. Lick his anus and see if he likes it. Rub his balls gently as you suck the shaft. Spit or Swallow It's your decision: Some like to take come into their mouth, some like to watch it shoot. Both can be very sexy. If you choose to take it in your mouth, you can swallow or keep a cloth or napkin nearby to spit into. Know your partner and make good choices. Swallowing during oral sex on an HIV-infected man has been known transmit the virus. 10 Advanced Tips 1. Take a deep breath before you take his penis into your mouth to relax your throat muscles. This is to prevent gagging if you think his penis is going to touch the back of your throat. 2. Use your hand around the base of his penis to control how deep he goes into your mouth. 3. Try swallowing when his penis reaches the back of your throat. It kind of tickles. 4. You can start a blowjob when your partner's penis is flaccid and stimulate him to erection. 5. Pubic hairs in your mouth are normal. Just stop for a minute to take them out & then keep going. 6. Use a finger in your partner's anus to massage his prostate. 7. Pop an ice cube in your mouth or a mint for extra stimulation. 8. Run your hands over his inner thighs as your mouth moves on his shaft. 9. Keep your teeth away from his penis, or very, very lightly rub them against him while sucking. 10. Not all men come during oral sex. Don't worry if he doesn't - his orgasm is his responsibility, not yours.</blockquote>

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