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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064378003" data-attributes="member: 14320">BubbaA middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks downand hires a neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him.One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubbacomes in after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to pee in thetoilet.Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but howdid your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."Bubba laughed and said,"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on thebedpost three times."The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique andcould hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bedthat night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost threetimes.He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when hiswife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,"Is that you, Bubba?"A priest was out walking his parish when he noticed a small boy sitting on the stoop, crushing a flow of ants with his foot. As he ground the ants into the pavement, he kept yelling, "These goddam ants! These goddam ants!"The priest went over to him and chided, "Little boy, God never put anything on Earth without a purpose.""Sure He did," said the boy."And what would those be, my son?""Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddam ants!"Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?A: You push it to the side before you start eating.Denise's GrandmaDenise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age?How do you do it?"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."The policeman fainted.A guy is in the pub toilet having a p*ss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.The giant approaches the scared guy having a p*ss."Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks."Yes, " replies the guy taking a leak."Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?""No, I’m afraid I don’t, ""I’m going to shove it up your @rse !""Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"{}{}{}{}We lay upon the grassy bank,my hands were all a quiver,I slowly undid her suspender beltand her leg fell in the river.A SOLDIER'S LETTERA SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW ITTO HIS FRIENDS, BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHEWROTE:M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT.O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE.H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE HAD.THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN.H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD.AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHERTHIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE.Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER SO SHEWROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED.T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.R- IS THE RASH ON YOUR ASS.I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS FUCKIN' WHILE YOU WERE AWAY.A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?""You'll see", says his dad.They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating."Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.""We're eating asshole!!", she screams. September 1I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.September 2Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.September 3I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."September 4I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."September 5Oh, when I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. Yeah, just in case I have to prove something.September 6Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.September 7What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!September 8Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.September 9I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.September 10Oh, this girl was fat, when she walks backward, she starts beeping. I mean, fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging, I told her, "You're standing on my foot!"September 11A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, "I'll be finished by then!"September 12I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!September 13I'm getting old. I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine. At my age, I like to get sex over quickly. Then I can get to the nap.September 14My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!September 15One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!September 16Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.September 17Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.September 18With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.September 19I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.September 20People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...September 21Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.September 22Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"September 23Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it."September 24When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!September 25I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.September 26I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!September 27You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."September 28I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!September 29I tell ya, with me, sleep is important. Well, last night I went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I started to count sheep - I got horny!September 30When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.</blockquote>

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