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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064282234" data-attributes="member: 14320">The InternetWhat Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For BeginnersQ. What's a FAQ ?A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,business, and private computer systems.Q. Who runs it?A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.Q. How can I get on the Internet?A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of thepopular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,which will give you their program disks for free. Or,if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneakin some night and install their programs on yourcomputer when you're sleeping. They are reallydesperate for your business with them.Q. What are the benefits of these services?A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computerexperience -- to provide the on-line services with the information theyneed to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card billforever.Q. What if I die?A. They don't care.Q. Can't I cancel my account?A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.Q. How?A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of ushave been trying for years to cancel our on-lineservice accounts, but no matter what we do, thecharges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking ofentering the Federal Witness Protection Program.Q. What if I have children?A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internetaccount?A. You should just sign your house and major internalorgans over to the on-line service right now.Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I doonce I'm connected to an on-line service?A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!No end to the number of things you can do!Q. Like what?A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.Q. Chat?A. Chat.Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions ofpeople all over the entire globe, you can chat withtotal strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!Q. Sounds great! How does it work?A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish tochat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, andsome are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens WhoRead Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having PointlessArguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can containanywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as"ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.Q. What are their real identities?A. They represent an incredible range of people, peopleof all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields fromscientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, fromactors to athletes -- you could be talking to almostanybody on the Internet!Q. Really?A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,singers, etc.Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around thefascinating topic of who is entering and leaving thechat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topicis where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the reparteecan be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do notread this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)LilBrisket: Hi everybodyWazootyman: Hi LilBrisketToadster: Hi BrisLungftook: Hi BLilBrisket: What's going on?Toadster: Not muchLungftook: Pretty quiet(LONGISH PAUSE)Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?LilBrisket: NoToadster: NopeLungftook: Sorry(LONGISH PAUSE)UvulaBob: Hi everybodyToadster: Hi UvulaBobLungftook: Hi UvulaLilBrisket: Hi UBWazootyman: Hi UUvulaBob: What's happening?LilBrisket: Kinda slowToadster: Same old same oldLungflook: Pretty quietJason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your pantiesLilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man(LONGISH PAUSE)Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?UvulaBob: No.(LONGISH PAUSE)Lungftook: Well, gotta run.Toadster: 'bye, LungflookLilBrisket: Take 'er easy, LungsterWazootyman: See ya around, LungUvulaBob: So long, L(LONGISH PAUSE)PolypMaster: Hi everybodyLilBrisket: Hey, PolypMasterToadster: Yo, PolypUvulaBob: Hi, PPolypMaster: What's going on?LilBrisket: Not muchToadster: Pretty quietUvulaBob: Kinda slow ...And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after rivetinghour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and atany moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-networkinformation, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chatareas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?A. This is when two people send explicitly steamymessages to each other, back and forth, back andforth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, fasterand faster and hotter and harder and harder untilOHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have abad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.Q. That's disgusting!A. Yes.Q. Could you give an example?A. CertainlyBorn2Bone: I want you NOWHunniBunni: I want YOU nowBorn2Bone: I want to take off your clothesHunniBunni: Yes! YES!Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothesHunniBunni: OH YESSSS(LONGISH PAUSE)HunniBunni: Is something wrong?Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiereHunniBunni: I'll do itBorn2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,umm, your...HunniBunni:Copious bosoms?Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touchingthem!HunniBunni: YES!Born2Bone: Both of them!HunniBunni: YESSS!!Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!HunniBunni: You already did.Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching yourentire nakedness!HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?Born2Bone: NoHunniBunni: NoBorn2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOUARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!Wazootyman: Hey, thanksHunniBunni: Not youBorn2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGINGBULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURSTINTO YOUR ... YOUR...HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?Born2Bone: YesHunniBunni: My passion persimmonBorn2Bone: Ha ha!HunniBunni: You promised!Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MYMASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSIONPERSIMMON!HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEELYOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...HunniBunni: Like what?Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELSLIKE!!Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKEWHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!HunniBunni: What did you say?Born2Bone: WhoopsHunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie votein the Senate?Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT??YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATEFUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!Born2Bone: Tipper?HunniBunni: WhoopsQ. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on theInternet?A. You can join one of the thousands of forums whereinpeople, by posting messages, discuss political topicsof the day.Q. Like what?A. Barry Manilow.Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?A. There's a forum for everything.Q. What happens on these forums?A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,fans post messages about how much they love BarryManilow, and other fans respond by posting messagesabout how much they love Barry Manilow, too. Andthen sometimes the forum is invaded by peopleposting messages about how much they hate BarryManilow, which in turn leads to angry countermessages and vicious name-calling that can go onfor months.Q. Just like junior high school!A. But even more pointless.Q. Are there forums about sex?A. Zillions of them.Q. What do people talk about on those?A. Barry Manilow.Q. No, really.A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not alltitillating. Often you'll find highly scientificdiscussions that expand the frontiers of humanunderstanding.Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.A. Indeed it is.Little JohnnyEarly one morning as school was starting the teacher called out to her students to get ready to make their presentations. She had asked the students to write about something important that happened in their families the night before. She asked who wanted to go first and Terry and little Johnny raised their hands. She called on Terry first because Little Johnny had a tendency to be fowl mouthed Terry gave his presentation and went back to his seat. Little Johnny walked up to the board and drew a dot and then walked back to his seat. The teacher after pondering over this for a minute finally asked what it was and Little Johnny said it was a period and the teacher said yes I can see that but what does it mean.Little Johnny said, "The hell if I know, but last night at dinner when my sister told my parents she missed one Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted and the drug store owner on the corner shot himself.”A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall. The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"Little Johnny asks his dad one day, "Dad, can you buy me a bicycle for my birthday?" "I'm sorry Johnny, but I've just lost my job and we still owe the bank $80,000 for the house. We just can't afford to buy you a new bike."The next morning Johnny's dad sees him walking out the front door with his suitcase. He asks him where he's going and Johnny tells him, "Last night I heard you tell mom you were pulling out, but she told you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stay here with a $80,000 mortgage and no f....g bike."In school the students were learning about gardening tools and little Johnny, Jennifer and Daniel raise their hands when the teacher held up a picture. She called on Jennifer. Jennifer said that is a shovel. The teacher said " very good”. The teacher held up another picture. She called on Daniel. Daniel said “ that is a hose". The teacher held up another picture. This time little Johnny was the only one raising his hand, so she had to call on little Johnny. Little Johnny said that is a rake. “No” said the teacher that is a hoe. Little Johnny was kind of upset and said, That’s not a hoe cause my sister is a ho and she looks nothing like that!!Little Johnny walked in oh his parents having sex. He asked what they were doing. His father said, "We're playing poker and you're mom is the wild card." the next day, little Johnny walks in on his brother having sex with his girl friend and he asked what they were doing. His brother said, "We're playing poker and she is the wild card." The next day little Johnny's mom walks in on him w….. off like there is no tomorrow. She said, "I see you're playing poker but where is your wild card." Little Johnny said, "Why do I need a wild card with a hand like this."</blockquote>

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