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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063915944" data-attributes="member: 14320">Thoughts On AgingMaybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.--------An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to hisutter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock forthe first time in two years.He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, andshowed her his enormous boner.... "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What doyou think we ought to do with it?"With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got allthe wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!" Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"* * * *McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."*****Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"* * * *An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up."Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked."No, I didn't!" said the drunk.The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?""No, I did not!" said the drunk again.Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"* * * *A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!""I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!"</blockquote>

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