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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063876462" data-attributes="member: 14320">The SeizureA guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a fewdrinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're havinga great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epilepticseizure. She was shaking and foaming at the mouth.Our uninformed male thought this was incredible, the bestsex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shakingand thrashing about with her seizure. He began to getnervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse askedwhat the problem was and he replied,"I think her orgasm's stuck!"=====If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkeyate my rooster's legs... what would you have?Two feet of my cock in your ass.====="After 10 years of marriage, sex with my wife is downto three times a year."====="Same here pal. As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn'tsleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."There was this guy riding down the road when he sees this pretty young lady standing with her thumb out. The driver pulls over and offers her a ride.She gets in and later on down the road she says, 'My name is June Hanson.' He says, 'My name is Gene Snow.' Later on down the road she looks over at him and says, 'Why do you keep sizing me up?' He says, 'I was just wondering what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June.' Penis TreatmentJack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting mypenis erect. Can you help me?"After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problemwith you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try anexperimental treatment."Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?""Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles fromthe trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of goingthrough life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go forit."A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to usehis improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for hisgirlfriendand took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In themiddle ofdinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the pointof being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. Hispenisimmediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don'tthink Ican fit another roll up my ass."A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says thather body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor."Show me."The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushesherknee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhereshetouches makes her scream.The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" shesays, "I'm actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken.Diagnostic MachineThis guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that's been hangingaround for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something tomake it go away.The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used todiagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he's beendying to try it out on his first patient.He says to the guy "not only will this thing tell you what's wrong with you,but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample,which I will then pour into this funnel at the top.The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer,then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing,and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, "you have tennis elbow".The guy says, "that doesn't make sense. I don't even play tennis,and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me..."At this point the doc interrupts and says, "nonsense, this device doesn't lie.I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come backand see me tomorrow morning, and don't forget to bring another urine sample with you."The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.He then has an idea.Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car isparked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes hischicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid,and then gives the concoction a good shake."There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!"Next A.M. he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine.This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.Doc picks it up and begins reading:"Your wife's pregnant, your daughter'sfucking the entire football team at Richmond High,your Doberman has rabies,your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don't quit spanking your monkeyyou'll never get rid of this tennis elbow!"*****What are the three good things about being women?1. You can bleed without cutting yourself2. You can bury a bone without digging a hole3. You can make a guy cum without calling him*****What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?STRESS is when wife is pregnant.TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant.PANIC is when both are pregnant. A Check-upA beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it.""Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested."Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried."Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."&&&&&A young girl is feeling under the weather so she goes to the family doctor. “Young lady,” says the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists, and in our colony we practice sex only with our eye.”“Well, my dear,” said the physician, “someone in that colony is cock-eyed.”&&&&&A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions", he observed.To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."&&&&&A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.“How may I help you?’ the doctor asks.“Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walkin and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me.”“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.“I push them away,” the man says.“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.“Break my arms!”</blockquote>

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