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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063786166" data-attributes="member: 14320">To My Dear Wife/Husband TO MY DEAR WIFE:During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot15 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said you weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just laid there8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move===TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat36 times you did not come home at all21 times you didn't cum33 times you came too soon19 times you went soft before you got in38 times you worked too late10 times you got cramps in your toes29 times you had to get up early to play golf2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls4 times you got it stuck in your zipper3 times you had a cold and your nose was running2 times you had a splinter in your finger20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TVOf the times we did get together:The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. Dick And JaneAfter working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romanceblossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. Oneday,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet toconsummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very 'tight', and difficult to'enter', but finally succeeds.When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were avirgin, I would have taken more time!"To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time,I would have taken off my pantyhose!"@@@Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affectionat home.Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affectionat home.Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affectionat home.Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking,friggin assholes!@@@If you want a happy marriage, don't raise a stink about yourpartner's passing of gas.According to L.A.-based social psychologist Hank Stewart,the happiest couples are those who don't make a stink with their partner flatulence.It's not that the gas is good.Stewart says couples that are pro-pooter are simply more atease with each other -- and that is good for any relationship.She figures a woman who feels comfortable enough to burp andblow wind in front of her sweetie is probably secure in the relationshipand won't ask, "Do you think I'm fat?" every two seconds.And guys won't feel commitment-phobic if he can bust a butt buzzerin front of a gal who responds, "Good one, honey."This is why you should just go ahead and fart on thefirst date. . . to see if its worth all the trouble.</blockquote>

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