JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

NAUGHTY POEMS

Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

=====

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Oh baby I get horny.

=====

I like your style
I like your class
but most of all
I like your ass

=====

Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

=====

Sex is when a guys information
enters a girls communication
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...

or do you need a demonstration

=====

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...

Did you ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN!?!?!?

=====

Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
don't be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!

=====

Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him away from all other girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Put his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one I sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fuck
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

 

[melody]

A Drunk Lady Stumbles Into A Bar

A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says "beertender, give me a dribble martuni and put a pickle in it".
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says "beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it".
He gives it to her and she drinks it down.
She says, "beertender, give me another dribble martuni and you better put two
pickles in it, because...I've got heartburn".
The bartender says "look lady...It's not beertender, It's bartender.
It's not a martuni, it's a martini.
It's not a dribble, It's a double.
That's not a pickle, It's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn.
You have your left tit in the ashtray".

=====

A cab driver sees a woman hailing him down a busy street.

He pulls over and is surprised when she gets in and sits down besides him on the front seat.

She gives him an address and they drive off. When they arrive at her address, the cab driver stops and shuts off the meter. “Okay,” he says, “that will be eight-fifty, please.”

The woman looks over and says to him, “To tell you the truth, I don’t have any money. But, she says, pulling her skirt up to her waist, “may be this will take care of it.”

The cabbie looks down and says, “Gee, lady don’t you have anything smaller?”

 

[melody]

The Story Of A Woman

A story of a woman who just turned 47 years old:

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have
a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no
passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest
for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he
was too emotional. Everything was an emergency,
he was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he
was boring. He was totally predictable and never
got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy
with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an
exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.
He rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything.

He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone
he met. He made me miserable as often as happy.
He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with
his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him.
He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything
I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 And am looking for a guy with a big dick.

=====

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

 

[melody]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

=====

Invitation to the party:

The invitation said; “you are invited to a party for those who cannot have an orgasm."
PS: Let us know if you can't come!!!

 

[melody]

Little Johnny's Class

In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs
called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks
on the door. Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what
can I do for you?"
"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."
=====
A man received a phone call from a mortician in another
town. Seems his mother-in-law had passed away.
The mortician wanted instructions as to whether to prepare
her for burial or cremate the woman.
The man replied quickly, "You'd better do both! Don't take any chances!"
=====
Here I sit in gassly vapor,
some dumb fuck used all the paper.
No longer will I sit and linger,
look out asshole here comes my finger

 

[melody]

Dinner Time Discussion

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question?

The fathers said ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, says, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said could I ask a personal question?

The daughter turns to her mother and asks "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

=====

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

 

[melody]

TV Store

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
=====
Text from daughter to mom:
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:
"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom.......... sorry, I meant to spell gum."

 

[melody]

Class Reunion

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

=====

A man and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no
kids," said the husband. "And the next-door neighbors
say it's because we're stupid."

"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do
with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing.
How many times a week do you do it?"

"Do what?" asked the wife.

 

[melody]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the
cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"

 

[melody]

English Lesson

The teacher is in front of this grade 2 class. She is explaining what they are going to do. "O.K. kids, this morning for English lesson we are going to make up sentences with the word lovely in it. Is there anybody who wants to have a go at making a sentence with lovely in it..."

Two kids put their hands up, young Sally and Little Johnny, (Little Johnny also happens to be the class clown and is well known as an inciter of anarchy.) so the teacher looks at young Sally and says, "Sally, do you have a sentence for the class?"

"Yes miss." says young Sally eagerly.

"O.K. then, tell the class your sentence."

"Mommy, Daddy and I went to the park yesterday and it was lovely."

"That's very good Sally, is there anybody else who wants to have a try?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up and he is saying, "Pick me miss, pick me, me, me!!"

The teacher thinks to herself, I suppose there is not too much Johnny can do with the word lovely. So she decides to let Little Johnny to have a try. "O.K. Johnny you can tell the class your sentence."

So Little Johnny stands up and tells the class his sentence. "The other night my sister comes homes and says to my dad, 'Daaad, I'm pregnant...' so dad gets up and says, 'That's lovely....That's FUCKIN' lovely!!!"

=====

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to eight
they sat down and ate;
And at twenty to nine it was in her.


Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

 

[melody]

Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

 

[melody]

HORSE RACE LineUp And Odds:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 t0 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1


AND THEY'RE OFF!!!


Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.


AT THE HALFWAY MARK:


It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.


AT THE TURN


Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.


AT THE STRETCH:


It's Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide


AT THE FINISH


It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head
Bare Belly shows
Thighs continue to fall back
Heavy Bosom pulls up
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

 

[melody]

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:

1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.

 

[melody]

Sparty The Farty

There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

 

[melody]

ETIQUETTE FOR MEN

So it has been written, so it shall be ...The CODE

1. Thou shall NEVER rent the movie, "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not, and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 4000 percent).

7. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another bloke who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 screwable babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a mate's refrigerator is forbidden. You may whinge only if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a mate's birthday is strictly optional and probably shows you are a poofter.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your mate is trying to crack on to is your legal duty. Should you lose all sense of perspective and get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your mate is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before ****** a mate's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate a deep knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean and down a six-pack.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for mates who help you move is beer, and more beer.

16. A man must never own a cat, or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whingey friend up with your mate, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your mate and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood or shipping out to the Antarctic or Alaska.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless babe with huge bazookas ... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, you never, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must ALWAYS remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a mate is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this bloke needs is a bloody good boot up the arse!", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice arse. Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last party pie, but NEVER both. That's just plain shitbag mean.

25. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, for your sake, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in heaping shit on a mate, except when she's withholding sex depending on your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a mate is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... much too poofy!

29. Never spew in a mate's car after a big gutful of beer. Always make the effort to throw out the window.

30. A mate's missus is totally off-limits for screwing, unless he invites you to screw her, and he joins you and watches.

 

[melody]

THE NEW MATH

NAME____________________
GANG NAME______________
1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of
every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many
drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320
and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per
day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20%
profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and
$100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will
be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang.
What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If
LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the
Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan
loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far
away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

 

[melody]

The Great Aussie Love Poem

Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab

So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!

 

[melody]

Big Tits

The other day, while Mike was seeing his shrink, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman.

Mike replied, "Big tits."

"No, I meant for a serious relationship."

Mike said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

"Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" said Mike "No woman's tits are that big."

=====

There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.

=====

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

[melody]

Intercourse

An elderly couple visits the doctor so the wife who is feeling poorly gets a checkup.

The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady is in the examining room.

After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions.

“How are you sleeping?” he asks.

“I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back to sleep. Occasionally I take a 30 minutes nap in the afternoon, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”

“How is your diet?” asks the doctor.

“I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.”

“Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.

“What?” replies the old lady.

“Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”

The old woman get up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”

The old man looks at her and says, “I have told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

=====

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masturbating.

 

[melody]

The Vasectomy

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the
man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace
the ball with on onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for
a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief.
But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects though."
"What's that?" the doctor asks anxiously
"Well, everytime I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job,
she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

=====

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night.

The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

He decided to have his way with her, he finished and rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today.