JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

After The Funeral

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother.

After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing.

You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street.

In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

=====

A couple is watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire."

The husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says, “no”. The husband asks again, and again she says no.

The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes! The husband says, ‘‘well, can I phone a friend?''

=====

A woman said to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to
re-marry me."
"How flattering," her friend replied
"Not really," she replied. "I think he's after the money that
I married him for in the first place."

 

[melody]

Shit Meanings

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oh, SHIT!

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
=====
There was a young girl of Batonger,
Used to diddle herself with a conger
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels,
She said, "Just like a man, only longer."

 

[melody]

Things Overheard While Having Sex

* "A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"

* "Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo--
AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

* "Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy
bags as strong as they used to!"

* "Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL!
Oooh, your batteries just died!"

* " ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"

* "No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

* "It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

* "Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small,
birth control would be a thing of the past!"

* "OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say
'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again
with more accent!"

* "Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

* "Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

* "Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

* "Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

* "Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

* "OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll*
be Rico the gardener."

* "Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give
a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."

* "Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast
there while we're doing this?"

* "Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

* "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the
original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did
you guess?"

=====


Confucious Say.....

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack, get point.
Man with hand on tool not always mechanic.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

 

[melody]

"Why Are You Here?"

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He
replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it
out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his
underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor
says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

=====
Q. What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A. Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q. How do you know when there's a gay president in the White House?
A. All the cigars taste like shit.

 

[melody]

Sky is blue
Water is wet
I'll make you cum
I'll make you sweat
Pressed up against my body
Movin up and down
Slowly but firmly
We'll move the ground
===
Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Baby Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!
===
Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
And Pray to god
You dont multiply
===
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fill you with cream
===
Hickory dickory dock
This bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
And dumped her to the end of the block
===
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or gettin paid
Everyone likes gettin laid
===
Sex is evil
Evil is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in!!!
===
roses are nice
violets are fine.
ill be the six
if you be the nine.

 

[melody]

Things You Never Thought About

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"…. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
"chunkydunk."

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss America?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

 

[melody]

Animal Sounds In The Bronx

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how
many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She
asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?"
Mary's hand goes up and she says "Moooo".
"Very good" replied her teacher. "What sound does a sheep
make?"
"Baaaa" answered Billy.
She continued this for awhile. Then she asked "What sound
does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class go up. She's surprised at the
response. She chooses Little Johnny at the back of the class. He
stands up, takes a deep breath, and screams "Up against the wall, ya
mutha-fucka!"

=====

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.

"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"

"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.
Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

 

[melody]

Hobosexuality

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign
that
the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that
lead
to this situation.

The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of
hobosexuality!

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean
homosexuality?"

"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum fuck!"

=====

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asked the barman.
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I wanted to brew my own!"

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, And she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'

She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, And several people stick up their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious,"

And the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!?

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.

"Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, And we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence.

She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going In tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me,

"Jesus,it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

=====

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who ecked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

 

[melody]

Naughty Rhyme

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

=====

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny In The Classroom

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question. So little

Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!" ok, that wasn't so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.

Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!", well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"

Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, cept of course, for little Johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.

Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: "Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right thru it!"

=====

There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick" ?
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
& jumps up and down till its sick

 

[melody]

How To Bathe A Cat

How to Bathe a Cat:

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog
=====
She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity,
So nobody guessed,
The paternity test,
Would involve half the men in the city.

 

[melody]

Jaguar XK-8

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.

How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

OH MY GOD, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!

=====
Q: Why are women like pianos?
A: If they're not upright, they're grand.

Q: What has two legs and eats ants?
A: Uncles.
Q: What did the midget say to the gorgeous 6'6" blonde hooker?
A: Take me to your ladder.

 

[melody]

Redneck Etiquette

General
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
home.

Dining Out
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything pre-
pared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how
good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods.

****** (outside the family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.

 

[melody]

Special Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

=====

Q. What part of Popeye doesn't rust?
A. The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

Q: What should a woman say as she guides her lover's tongue toward
her clitoris?
A: This bud's for you!

 

[melody]

Monkey On The Dashboard

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

=====

Barely twenty minutes after teeing off a woman walks into the clubhouse and she's grimacing in pain.

"What's the matter?” The club pro asked

" I got stung by a bee" the woman replied

"Where" The club pro said

"Between the first and second holes"

"hmmmmm" The pro said " Sounds like your stance is a little too wide"

 

[melody]

Application To Date My Daughter
(This is very long but hysterical)

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
___yes ___no

If No, EXPLAIN

7. Number of years your parents have been married

8. Do you own a van? ______
A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring,
or a tattoo? _____________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

10. In 50 words or less, what does
"DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
12. Church you attend _____________
How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother
and priest/rabbi/minister?

14. Answer by filling in the blank:
Please answer freely.
ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is_____________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
c) A woman's place is in the_____________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is_____________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue.
Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________

Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for ****** My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be ******. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

Signature (That means sign your name)
____________________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).


This is your "last chance" to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question #10. This guy didn't get it!

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.

 

[melody]

A Playboy

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad
and decided to marry her. Blessing the fact that she was not only a
virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to
break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times. The next
day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost
immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children,
and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow
that dreadful stuff!"
=====

There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
=====

Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? .....If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
I'm a practising heterosexual, but bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
A man said to his wife: "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?" "OK," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV"

 

[melody]

Confucius Says:

Confucius says:

'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'

'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'

'Man who run in front of car get tired.'

'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'

'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'

'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'

'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'

'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'

'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'

'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'

'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'

‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'

'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'

'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'

'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'

'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'

'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'

‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'

'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'

'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'

 

[melody]

Disorder In Court


These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying
calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these
are excellent. Don't miss the last one.



Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.