JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Condom Slogans

THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS
PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

<< NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER.

 

[melody]

Sherlock Holmes'

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.

Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

=====

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey."

=====

Tim Had Traveled To Peru
In Search Of The Ultimate Screw.
When His Trip Was Complete,
He Zipped Up His Meat
And Said To The Ladies, ''Thank You!''

 

[melody]

Talking

Two guys are talking in a bar:
"I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!"
"What did you do?"
"I grabbed my wife by the hair and said 'that's it, you're outta here' and threw her out of the house."
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I shook my finger at him and yelled 'bad dog! bad dog!'"

=====

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor,

"If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?"

Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!"

The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?"

Douglas replied, "The same place you got that fucking train!"

=====

There was a young lady of Bicester,
She was nicer by far than her sister;
The sister would giggle,
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.

 

[melody]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[melody]

Male Wisdom

*When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
*Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
*A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
*Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
*There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
*Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
*There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
*Virginity can be cured.
*Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
*Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
*I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
*Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
*A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
*Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.

 

[Primed]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

This right here is pretty good

 

[melody]

Door-To-Door

A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighborhood door.

A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, " Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?"

"Yes," said the lad, "she's out in the backyard screwing our goat."

" No," says the salesman, " I don't belive you."

The boy says, " Come see for yourself."

So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind.

The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid she'll get pregnant?"

The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a-"

=====

Mrs. O'Reilly regularly has the milkman drop off 3 quarts of milk for the week. One morning the milkman arrives at Mrs. O'Reilly's and she insists that he leaves 25 gallons of milk. When asked what all that milk was needed for, Mrs. O'Reilly stated that she had just won the lottery and she was treating herself to a milk bath. The milk would surely make her skin soft and supple. The milkman agreed and asked her if she would like the milk "pasteurized?" "Oh no, dear, Up to my titties would be just fine."

=====

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been,
If his father has seen
That the tip of his condom was torn.

 

[melody]

Women's Survey


During a recent survey, women were asked...

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

 

[melody]

Suntanned

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"

 

[melody]

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
****** for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice
view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she
was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[melody]

Snow Whites Mission

Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you prick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UP

 

[melody]

Turned 86

Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: "How are you doing, Sam?"

Sam: "Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first child."

Doctor: "Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently."

Sam: "Oh yeah? What?"

Doctor: "Well I was walking in the woods one day and I came across a rabbit.
I lifted my walking stick, pointed it at the rabbit and yelled 'BANG!'
Suddenly the rabbit fell over, dead. What do you think about that, Sam?"

Sam thinks for a minute

Sam: "Well, I think somebody else pumped a round into that rabbit!"

Doctor: "My point exactly!"

=====

A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says
he will have a beer AND a shot.

"Big night?" asked the barkeep.

"I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!"

The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!"

As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the
taste out of my mouth."

 

[melody]

French Class

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

=====

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.

As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

 

[melody]

Horny As Hell

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00,
and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm
sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my
hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck.
He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he
opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out
of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his paycheque. He says to
the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame
replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and
get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when
he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know
what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have
been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

=====

Did you ever wonder what the difference between a prostitute, a
girlfriend, and a wife are?
The prostitute says "That'll be $100."
The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!" The
wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige."

 

[melody]

Two Immigrants

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?" "I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

=====

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!" "That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" "Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that .. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

=====

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbotton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."

 

[melody]

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. You! Off my planet!!

8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.

10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it

11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2

22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!

23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"

24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.

27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep
inside the earth.

28. Earth is full. Go home.

29. Is it time for your medication or mine?

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

[melody]

Beside A Lake

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him." It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy." You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water, The fish swallows the fly, The bear grabs the fish, The hunter shoots the bear, The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, The cat jumps for the mouse, The mouse ducks, and The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy is probably in danger!

 

[melody]

Outright Bashing

THE WIFE'S BACK ON THE WARPATH AGAIN.
SHE WAS UP FOR MAKING A SEX MOVIE LAST NIGHT, AND ALL I DID WAS
SUGGEST WE SHOULD HOLD AUDITIONS FOR HER PART.

I'VE ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED SOME SCRABBLE TILES.
MY NEXT CRAP COULD SPELL DISASTER.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW SAT ON MY GLASSES AND BROKE THEM.
IT WAS MY OWN FAULT. I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THEM OFF.

I SPENT A COUPLE OF HOURS DEFROSTING THE FRIDGE LAST NIGHT, OR
"FOREPLAY" AS SHE LIKES TO CALL IT.

AFTER BOTH SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION FOR A WHILE, ME AND THE WIFE
WERE GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE YESTERDAY.
BUT STRANGELY ENOUGH, ONCE SHE KILLED HERSELF, I STARTED TO FEEL A
LOT BETTER. SO I THOUGHT, "SCREW IT, SOLDIER ON!"

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AT 8, AND COULD SENSE SOMETHING WAS WRONG.
I GOT DOWNSTAIRS AND FOUND THE WIFE FACE DOWN ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR,
NOT BREATHING!
I PANICKED. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
THEN I REMEMBERED MCDONALD'S SERVES BREAKFAST UNTIL 11:30.

BOUGHT THE MISSUS A HAMSTER SKIN COAT LAST WEEK.
TOOK HER TO THE FAIR LAST NIGHT, AND IT TOOK ME 3 HOURS TO GET HER
OFF THE FERRIS WHEEL.

THE OTHER NIGHT, MY WIFE ASKED ME HOW MANY WOMEN I'D SLEPT WITH.
I TOLD HER, "ONLY YOU. ALL THE OTHERS KEPT ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A CATHOLIC BOY IN CONFESSION SAYS, "BLESS ME FATHER, I HAVE SINNED,
I MASTURBATED WHILE THINKING ABOUT MY SISTER."
"THAT'S A DISGRACE," SAID THE PRIEST, "ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TWO
GORGEOUS BROTHERS."

A GOVERNMENT SURVEY HAS SHOWN THAT 91% OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS COME TO
THIS COUNTRY SO THAT THEY CAN SEE THEIR OWN DOCTOR.

I'VE JUST INSTALLED STROBE LIGHTS IN THE BEDROOM.
IT MAKES THE WIFE LOOK LIKE SHE'S MOVING DURING SEX.

 

[melody]

Out On The Range

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what
is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount
her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in
your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your
sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

=====

Jerry was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him.

He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favourite kind of legs!"

The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"

Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"