A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^

[passo123]

Ah Beng - NEW STUFF

********************

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.

He sent a message to everyone from

his Phone Book & said,

"My MobileNo. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

====================================

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in MedicalCollege.

Friend: Really, what is he studying.

Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.

DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.

Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

===========================================

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?

Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?

Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

=========================================

Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"

Wife: How do you know??

Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,

Oh GOD! U have come again.

===========================================

Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the

TV in my house."

Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"

Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."

=========================================

Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"

He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."

=============================================

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases

the board.

===============================================

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.

So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast

announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would

be hot.

==================================================

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says

"Hello, how did you know I was here?"

===================================================

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?

Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup

Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

===================================================

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense

Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"

=====================================================

Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"

Servant: "It's already raining."

Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."

=====================================================

A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and

not in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM.

 

[SDF]

absolutely funny......

 

[spring]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

---------- Post added at 04:32 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 04:08 PM ----------

The orthopedic surgeon Joe work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
Joe sat the display skeleton in the front of his car, his bony arm across the back of his seat. Joe hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside him became obvious, and he looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

 

[zac]

A pretty woman carried a baby to pediatrics, baby is not feeling well...

Doc asked: baby is breast feed or milk powder?

Woman: Breast Feed

Doc: Then pls take off your shirt

Woman: Err?? Why??

Doc: Please dun get nervous We are well known in this field, won't do those fishy fishy things...


So woman took off her shirt... doctor then touched and rubbed her boobs and told her: no wonder baby not feeling well, you dun even have breast milk!!

Woman: Ofcourse i dun have breast milk, I'm baby's aunt!!!

 

[es2611]

nice. cheered me up. thanks bro passo, spring and zac.
made my day!

 

[zac]

Patient: Doc, i always feel that my hand and foot are cold, whats wrong with me?

Doc: Well, whenever i felt so i will hug my wife and put my hand on her warm boobs then eventually it will warm up my hand, very useful, you should try it...

Patient: Erm... Thats a good idea, so... is your wife available tomorrow evening??


---------- Post added at 05:50 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 05:47 PM ----------

Mild politic joke

Murid : Selamat pagi, cikgu.

Cikgu : (Menengking) Mengapa selamat pagi sahaja? Petang dan malam awak doakan saya tak selamat?

Murid : Selamat pagi, petang dan malam cikgu!

Cikgu : Panjang sangat! Tak pernah dibuat oleh orang! Kata selamat sejahtera! Senang dan penuh bermakna. Lagipun ucapan ini meliputi semua masa dan keadaan.

Murid : Selamat sejahtera cikgu!

Cikgu : Sama-sama, duduk! Dengar sini baik-baik. Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan cepat, lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?

Murid : Faham, cikgu!

Cikgu : Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.

Murid : (senyap)

Cikgu : Pandai!

Murid : Bodoh!

Cikgu : Tinggi!

Murid : Rendah!

Cikgu : Jauh!

Murid : Dekat!

Cikgu : Keadilan!

Murid : UMNO!

Cikgu : Salah!

Murid : Betul!

Cikgu : Bodoh!

Murid : Pandai!

Cikgu : Bukan!

Murid : Ya!

Cikgu : Oh Tuhan!

Murid : Oh Hamba!

Cikgu : Dengar ini!

Murid : Dengar itu!

Cikgu : Diam!

Murid : Bising!

Cikgu : Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!

Murid : Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!

Cikgu : Mati aku!

Murid : Hidup kami!

Cikgu : Rotan baru tau!

Murid : Akar lama tak tau!

Cikgu : Malas aku ajar kamu!

Murid : Rajin kami belajar cikgu!

Cikgu : Kamu gila!

Murid : Kami siuman!

Cikgu : Cukup! Cukup!

Murid : Kurang! Kurang!

Cikgu : Sudah! Sudah!

Murid : Belum! Belum!

Cikgu : Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?

Murid : Sebab saya seorang pandai!

Cikgu : Oh! Melawan!

Murid : Oh! Mengalah!

Cikgu : Kurang ajar!

Murid : Cukup ajar!

Cikgu : Habis aku!

Murid : Kekal kami!

Cikgu : O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!

Murid : K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!

Cikgu : Sudah, bodoh!

Murid : Belum, pandai!

Cikgu : Berdiri!

Murid : Duduk!

Cikgu : Saya kata UMNO salah!

Murid : Kami dengar KeADILan betul!

Cikgu : Bangang kamu ni!

Murid : Cerdik kami tu!

Cikgu : Rosak!

Murid : Baik!

Cikgu : Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!

Murid : Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!

Cikgu : (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar.)

---------- Post added at 06:00 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 05:50 PM ----------

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!'




Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok

today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come wok.'


The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need

you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and

tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I

go to work. You try that.


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say

and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house.'

---------- Post added at 06:30 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 06:00 PM ----------

:wavey::wavey: One of the best jokes :wavey::wavey:

Story of Ah Singh

1. A Singh who is a sailor
-- Karpal Singh

2. A Singh who attends a chinese wedding party?
-- Yam Singh

3. A Singh who is digging a hole
-- Menggali Singh

4. A Singh who likes to slap people
-- Tau Ba Singh

5. A Singh who is a gangster
-- SamSingh

6. A Singh who is lost?
-- MisSingh

7. A Singh who is noisy?
-- BisSingh

8. A Singh who likes herbs?
-- Gin Singh

9. A Singh who kills people?
-- AssasSingh

10. A Singh with one ball?
-- BalwantSingh (Ball One Singh)

11. A Singh with two balls?
-- BalanSingh (as in balancing)

12. A Singh with three balls?
-- AMAZINGH!!

13. A Singh who is swimming in an iced pool?
-- KuldipSingh ( Cold Deep Sink)

14. A Singh who likes to drink soyabean milk?
-- YeohHupSingh

15. A Singh who owns a ship that sank?
-- No Lah Its not tatanic Singh. He's KaramSingh

16. A Singh who is a lousy person?
-- OwtarSingh

17. A Singh who likes roundabout?
-- PuSingh

18. A Singh who is flying around on broom?
-- Sau Pah Singh

19. A Singh who is a three-star general?
-- Sam Lap Singh (Cantonese)

20. Then, what do you call a Singh who likes to scold people?
-- TIEWNIASINGH

 

[spring]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

---------- Post added at 09:38 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 09:21 AM ----------

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

 

[yeehau86]

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
Small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for
You my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

 

[spring]

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and
asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical
condition?"

"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and
that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well
before daylight and out
golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that
helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was
your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years
old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 103 years old," says the old golfer.
"In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's
why he's still alive. he's a golfer too!!"

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great,
but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about
your dad's dad? How
old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80
years old and your grandfather is still living.!?
Incredible, how old
is he?"

"He's 128 years old," says the old golfer .

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So,
I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No.. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he's getting married today.."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it,
"Getting married.! Why would a 128 year-old guy want to
get married in the first place?"

"Who said he wanted to? The bride is pregnant...that
is why !!!!!"

---------- Post added at 12:19 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:14 PM ----------

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher Urmela, an Indian lady to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. Urmela said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called Urmela to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". The father asked how and she said, "He bet me Rs.50.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."

"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the Indian teacher asked.

Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me Rs.1000.00 he would see Urmela's butt before the day was over!

 

[spring]

Every time the man next door headed toward Michaels's house, Michael knew he was coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Michael to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Michael with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

---------- Post added at 09:48 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 09:45 AM ----------

Bill Gates- After Death


Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.

"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God.
"That was the screen saver"!

 

[zac]

5 mins before wedding night...
(in a crowd)
Son: Dad, i never have sex before, how am i going to have a proper intercourse with my wife?

Dad: Damn!! You are such a disgrace!! why you didn't ask me earlier??? okok... there is only one simple rule... Use your hardest part to BANG the "place" your wife wee wee constantly!! Got it?

Son: Oh......................

The following day, the son was found fainted besides toilet bowl with severe bled from head

 

[yeehau86]

Just the other day, a friend of mine went to see the Fortune Teller to see his luck for the new year, and the teller said:



In this coming year of the Tiger, you should



Eat more Tiger biscuits,

Drink more Tiger beers,

Watch more Tiger (‘Thai Girl’) shows,

‘Play ’ more like Tiger Woods, you know wat I meant, rite?).

 

[spring]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

" Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.

" The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

---------- Post added at 11:36 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:16 PM ----------

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[SYeNi69]

I Love ZTH because of this thread !!!

 

[KancilanSazer]

1 lucky bastard la that last joke...hahahaha nice keep em coming!!