A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^
- Thread starter zac
- Start date
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
---------- Post added at 01:54 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------
"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
---------- Post added at 01:57 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:54 PM ----------
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
---------- Post added at 01:54 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------
"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
---------- Post added at 01:57 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:54 PM ----------
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
Based on a True Incidentsuper duper funny!!!
What happened @ Bangalore Airport
Special Report!!!
Airport Security : What's your Name?
Passenger : Batman
Airport Security : Your real name please?
Passenger : My name is Bat-Man
Airport Security : Are you trying to be funny? What is your family name?
Passenger : Superman
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room
Then they checked his Passport...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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check the attached pic for answer!!!
.
What happened @ Bangalore Airport
Special Report!!!
Airport Security : What's your Name?
Passenger : Batman
Airport Security : Your real name please?
Passenger : My name is Bat-Man
Airport Security : Are you trying to be funny? What is your family name?
Passenger : Superman
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room
Then they checked his Passport...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
check the attached pic for answer!!!
.
Attachments
Last edited:
- Feb 10, 2007
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British English vs. Malaysian English
Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind...
Malaysians: Don't want lah.
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Malaysians: Die lah!!
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians: Celaka you!
Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind...
Malaysians: Don't want lah.
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Malaysians: Die lah!!
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians: Celaka you!
A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist.
After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don't bleed.
After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don't bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" "Yes I do" the man replied. "Very well, then," the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man's finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. "Dead men do bleed!!"
---------- Post added at 01:00 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:57 AM ----------
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'
---------- Post added at 01:06 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:00 AM ----------
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist.
After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don't bleed.
After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don't bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" "Yes I do" the man replied. "Very well, then," the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man's finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. "Dead men do bleed!!"
---------- Post added at 01:00 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:57 AM ----------
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'
---------- Post added at 01:06 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:00 AM ----------
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained.
"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like Im listening."
---------- Post added at 10:32 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:27 AM ----------
Buldeep singh went to Colombo for official matter and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
Buldeep singh : Who is speaking?
Servant : Servant Sir.
Buldeep singh : Where is the Madam?
Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
Buldeep singh : What? I am her husband came to Colombo today.
Servant: What can I do now sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.
(After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...)
Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
Buldeep singh : What...? No swimming pool?
Servant: Yes Sir
Buldeep singh : Sorry, wrong number!!!!!! !!
"Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained.
"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like Im listening."
---------- Post added at 10:32 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:27 AM ----------
Buldeep singh went to Colombo for official matter and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
Buldeep singh : Who is speaking?
Servant : Servant Sir.
Buldeep singh : Where is the Madam?
Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
Buldeep singh : What? I am her husband came to Colombo today.
Servant: What can I do now sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.
(After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...)
Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?
Buldeep singh : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
Buldeep singh : What...? No swimming pool?
Servant: Yes Sir
Buldeep singh : Sorry, wrong number!!!!!! !!
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