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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 4537430" data-attributes="member: 14320">Diary of a Quitting SmokerDay 1: Shit.Day 1 again only the next day:Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washingdishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom.Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit,apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squishedroaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remindme of cigarettes.Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit andwrite or surf as this has been main smoking area. It'sabout four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I couldhave just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine.He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, rightnow, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game onPlaystation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos sogame hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.Day 2, morning:Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hoursof fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never haddesire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall.Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank fourgallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Amfeeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep anddeep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to eitherkill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives.Probably both.Day 2, afternoon:See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean closets.Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - bodyof dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put inextra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decideto take walk.Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. Sheis smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite.Day 3, morning:Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues forjoyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.Day 3, Afternoon:Call garbage disposal repair.Day 4:Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier- received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repairperson. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and driedfruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in totears. Confess.Day 472:Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federalcrime.)Day 478:Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettesto trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.Day 552:Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress.Cell-mate offers to have ex-husband whacked. Wants twelvecartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decidehusband will live as price too steep.Day 558:Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mateto have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.Day 691:Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted atlast moments.Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking infederal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke.Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enterscell excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to newFederal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows fordefense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotinewithdrawal.</blockquote>