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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 4314540" data-attributes="member: 14320">A Good Pun Is Its Own RewordEnergizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.Practice safe eating - always use condiments.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.Corduroy pillows are making headlines.Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.Banning the bra was a big flop.Sea captains don't like crew cuts.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.Alarms: What an octopus is.Dockyard: A physician's garden.Incongruous: Where bills are passed.Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.Oboe: An English tramp.Pasteurize: Too far to see.Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.----Two very old men were kibitzing on a park bench when one asks, "So how's the wife?"The other man replies, "Well, I thinks she's dead.""What do you mean...you thinks she's dead?!""Well, the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up!" Diet Rules1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka...)5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)And remember: 'STRESSED' SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'!++++++++++Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says,"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockingsin his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says,"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in hiswallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"The third woman fainted.</blockquote>