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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 4235008" data-attributes="member: 14320">Diary About My Personal TrainerDear Diary...For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased aweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although Iam still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team,I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Icalled the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer namedBruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor andmodel for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleasedwith my enthusiasm to get started.The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart myprogress..............Monday:Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waitingfor me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyesand a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showedme the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it tostanding next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watchingthe skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after myworkout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did mysit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in thewhole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!Tuesday:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on thetreadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made itall worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.Wednesday:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have ahernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try tosteer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Brucewas impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other clubmembers. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning andwhen he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. Mychest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stairmonster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate anactivity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help meget in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.Thursday:Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as histhin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't helpbeing a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brucetook me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran andhid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, putme on the rowing machine-which I sank.Friday:I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated anyother human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemiclittle cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body Icould move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Brucewanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if youdon't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *^&%%$$$ barbells oranything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learnedin the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from,you Nazi bastard). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a healthand nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, likethe drama coach or the choir director?Saturday:Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrillyvoice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made mewant to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked thestrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching elevenstraight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.Sunday:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go andthank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year myhusband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like aroot canal, a mammogram, a pelvic exam, or even a hysterectomy!</blockquote>

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