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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 3757909" data-attributes="member: 14320"> {Jokes for July, 2009}July 1The first time I hitchhiked I got beat up. I used the wrong finger!July 2My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me cigars!July 3When my wife was pregnant, I told her, I said, "Honey, if it looks like you, it'll be beautiful." She said, "If it looks like you, it'll be a miracle."July 4My wife told me she's going to run away from home. Luckily I live in a cliff!July 5I did a show, the whole audience was gay. I did great! I mean AFTER the show!July 6I'm gettin' old. A girl asked me if I wanted to have some super sex. I took the soup!July 7I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He said, "How long has this been going on?" I told him, "Since I was a puppy."July 8I tell you, my psychiatrist's a beauty, he told me I got a split personality and from now on I have to pay him twice. Oh, my wife, she's happy I got a split personality, yeah, she likes two guys at once.July 9People have too much hate. I hear guys talk, they don't like their mother-in-law, they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law - it's her daughter I can't stand!July 10I worked a nightclub. The boss told me he'd pay me under the table - I waited after two hours, he never showed up!July 11They took a survey - why men get up in the middle of the night. Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and ninety percent get up to go home!July 12My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch!July 13I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!July 14I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years I taught her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."July 15I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike, we got problems. I wanna go see a marriage counselor and she wants to go on the Jerry Springer show!July 16I tell you, sex with my wife is ridiculous. Why her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.July 17The other night, I told my wife, "I hurt my little pinky." She said, "It's all right. We're not gonna have sex anyway."July 18Last night my wife told me, people can look in our bathroom, she's gonna buy shades. I told her, "Let 'em look. They'll buy the shades."July 19Last night I had a dream I took a walk down memory lane and my wife was working.July 20Oh, my wife can't cook at all. I got the only dog - he begs for Alka-Seltzer.July 21Oh, I'm not a sexy guy. On my wedding night, my wife said, "Hey, honey, this is it?" I said, "Honey, that WAS it."July 22I asked my wife, I said, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping!"July 23I bought a waterbed. I went to grab my wife - she drifted away.July 24I told my wife, "How come when we kiss your eyes are always open?" She told me she's on the look out for her boyfriend.July 25I saw a place it had a sign: Topless, Bottomless. I went inside, there was no one there!July 26My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.July 27My wife and I, all we do is fight about sex. Well, the other night we had it out - nah, put it this way, I had it out.July 28I went back to my hometown. I wanted to visit all my old school teachers when I was a kid. All I had to make was one stop - the cemetery.July 29I tell you, my wife, she keeps me in line - no matter how many guys are ahead of me.July 30I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.July 31Last week my wife told me to go to hell. I told her, "You're too late. I'm already there."</blockquote>

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