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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 3642116" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong>The Internet</strong></p><p><strong><em>What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners</em></strong></p><p></p><p>Q. What's a FAQ ?</p><p>A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"</p><p></p><p>Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?</p><p>A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.</p><p></p><p>Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?</p><p>A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,</p><p>business, and private computer systems.</p><p></p><p>Q. Who runs it?</p><p>A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.</p><p></p><p>Q. How can I get on the Internet?</p><p>A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the</p><p>popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,</p><p>CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,</p><p>which will give you their program disks for free. Or,</p><p>if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak</p><p>in some night and install their programs on your</p><p>computer when you're sleeping. They are really</p><p>desperate for your business with them.</p><p></p><p>Q. What are the benefits of these services?</p><p>A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"</p><p>interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer</p><p>experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they</p><p>need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill</p><p>forever.</p><p></p><p>Q. What if I die?</p><p>A. They don't care.</p><p></p><p>Q. Can't I cancel my account?</p><p>A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.</p><p></p><p>Q. How?</p><p>A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us</p><p>have been trying for years to cancel our on-line</p><p>service accounts, but no matter what we do, the</p><p>charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of</p><p>entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.</p><p></p><p>Q. What if I have children?</p><p>A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.</p><p></p><p>Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet</p><p>account?</p><p>A. You should just sign your house and major internal</p><p>organs over to the on-line service right now.</p><p></p><p>Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do</p><p>once I'm connected to an on-line service?</p><p>A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!</p><p>No end to the number of things you can do!</p><p></p><p>Q. Like what?</p><p>A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.</p><p></p><p>Q. Chat?</p><p>A. Chat.</p><p></p><p>Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.</p><p>A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of</p><p>people all over the entire globe, you can chat with</p><p>total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!</p><p></p><p>Q. Sounds great! How does it work?</p><p>A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to</p><p>chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and</p><p>some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,</p><p>Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who</p><p>Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless</p><p>Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain</p><p>anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as</p><p>"ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.</p><p></p><p>Q. What are their real identities?</p><p>A. They represent an incredible range of people, people</p><p>of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from</p><p>scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from</p><p>actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost</p><p>anybody on the Internet!</p><p></p><p>Q. Really?</p><p>A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed</p><p>13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,</p><p>singers, etc.</p><p></p><p>Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?</p><p>A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the</p><p>fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the</p><p>chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic</p><p>is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,</p><p>every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed</p><p>13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other</p><p>13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee</p><p>can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not</p><p>read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)</p><p></p><p></p><p>LilBrisket: Hi everybody</p><p>Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket</p><p>Toadster: Hi Bris</p><p>Lungftook: Hi B</p><p>LilBrisket: What's going on?</p><p>Toadster: Not much</p><p>Lungftook: Pretty quiet</p><p></p><p>(LONGISH PAUSE)</p><p></p><p>Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?</p><p>LilBrisket: No</p><p>Toadster: Nope</p><p>Lungftook: Sorry</p><p></p><p>(LONGISH PAUSE)</p><p></p><p>UvulaBob: Hi everybody</p><p>Toadster: Hi UvulaBob</p><p>Lungftook: Hi Uvula</p><p>LilBrisket: Hi UB</p><p>Wazootyman: Hi U</p><p>UvulaBob: What's happening?</p><p>LilBrisket: Kinda slow</p><p>Toadster: Same old same old</p><p>Lungflook: Pretty quiet</p><p>Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties</p><p>LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man</p><p></p><p>(LONGISH PAUSE)</p><p></p><p>Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?</p><p>UvulaBob: No.</p><p></p><p>(LONGISH PAUSE)</p><p></p><p>Lungftook: Well, gotta run.</p><p>Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook</p><p>LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster</p><p>Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung</p><p>UvulaBob: So long, L</p><p></p><p>(LONGISH PAUSE)</p><p></p><p>PolypMaster: Hi everybody</p><p>LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster</p><p>Toadster: Yo, Polyp</p><p>UvulaBob: Hi, P</p><p>PolypMaster: What's going on?</p><p>LilBrisket: Not much</p><p>Toadster: Pretty quiet</p><p>UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...</p><p></p><p>And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting</p><p>hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at</p><p>any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network</p><p>information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.</p><p></p><p>Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat</p><p>areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?</p><p>A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy</p><p>messages to each other, back and forth, back and</p><p>forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster</p><p>and faster and hotter and harder and harder until</p><p>OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a</p><p>bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.</p><p></p><p>Q. That's disgusting!</p><p>A. Yes.</p><p></p><p>Q. Could you give an example?</p><p>A. Certainly</p><p></p><p>Born2Bone: I want you NOW</p><p>HunniBunni: I want YOU now</p><p>Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes</p><p>HunniBunni: Yes! YES!</p><p>Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes</p><p>HunniBunni: OH YESSSS</p><p></p><p>(LONGISH PAUSE)</p><p></p><p>HunniBunni: Is something wrong?</p><p>Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere</p><p>HunniBunni: I'll do it</p><p>Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,</p><p>umm, your...</p><p>HunniBunni:Copious bosoms?</p><p>Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching</p><p>them!</p><p>HunniBunni: YES!</p><p>Born2Bone: Both of them!</p><p>HunniBunni: YESSS!!</p><p>Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!</p><p>HunniBunni: You already did.</p><p>Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your</p><p>entire nakedness!</p><p>HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!</p><p>Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?</p><p>Born2Bone: No</p><p>HunniBunni: No</p><p>Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!</p><p>HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU</p><p>ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!</p><p></p><p>Wazootyman: Hey, thanks</p><p></p><p>HunniBunni: Not you</p><p>Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING</p><p>BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...</p><p>HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?</p><p>Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST</p><p>INTO YOUR ... YOUR...</p><p>HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?</p><p>Born2Bone: Yes</p><p>HunniBunni: My passion persimmon</p><p>Born2Bone: Ha ha!</p><p>HunniBunni: You promised!</p><p>Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY</p><p>MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION</p><p>PERSIMMON!</p><p>HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!</p><p>Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!</p><p>HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL</p><p>YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!</p><p>Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...</p><p>HunniBunni: Like what?</p><p>Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...</p><p>HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS</p><p>LIKE!!</p><p>Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE</p><p>WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!</p><p>HunniBunni: What did you say?</p><p>Born2Bone: Whoops</p><p>HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote</p><p>in the Senate?</p><p>Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...</p><p>HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT??</p><p>YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE</p><p>FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!</p><p>Born2Bone: Tipper?</p><p>HunniBunni: Whoops</p><p></p><p></p><p>Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the</p><p>Internet?</p><p>A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein</p><p>people, by posting messages, discuss political topics</p><p>of the day.</p><p></p><p>Q. Like what?</p><p>A. Barry Manilow.</p><p></p><p>Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?</p><p>A. There's a forum for everything.</p><p></p><p>Q. What happens on these forums?</p><p>A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,</p><p>fans post messages about how much they love Barry</p><p>Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages</p><p>about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And</p><p>then sometimes the forum is invaded by people</p><p>posting messages about how much they hate Barry</p><p>Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter</p><p>messages and vicious name-calling that can go on</p><p>for months.</p><p></p><p>Q. Just like junior high school!</p><p>A. But even more pointless.</p><p></p><p>Q. Are there forums about sex?</p><p>A. Zillions of them.</p><p></p><p>Q. What do people talk about on those?</p><p>A. Barry Manilow.</p><p></p><p>Q. No, really.</p><p>A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all</p><p>titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific</p><p>discussions that expand the frontiers of human</p><p>understanding.</p><p></p><p>Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.</p><p>A. Indeed it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 3642116, member: 14320"] [B]The Internet [I]What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners[/I][/B] Q. What's a FAQ ? A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions" Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ? A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one. Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet? A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems. Q. Who runs it? A. A 12-year-old named Kevin. Q. How can I get on the Internet? A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They are really desperate for your business with them. Q. What are the benefits of these services? A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever. Q. What if I die? A. They don't care. Q. Can't I cancel my account? A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime. Q. How? A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program. Q. What if I have children? A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts. Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet account? A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now. Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an on-line service? A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end to the number of things you can do! Q. Like what? A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat. Q. Chat? A. Chat. Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends. A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid! Q. Sounds great! How does it work? A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities. Q. What are their real identities? A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet! Q. Really? A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc. Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other 13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.) LilBrisket: Hi everybody Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket Toadster: Hi Bris Lungftook: Hi B LilBrisket: What's going on? Toadster: Not much Lungftook: Pretty quiet (LONGISH PAUSE) Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas? LilBrisket: No Toadster: Nope Lungftook: Sorry (LONGISH PAUSE) UvulaBob: Hi everybody Toadster: Hi UvulaBob Lungftook: Hi Uvula LilBrisket: Hi UB Wazootyman: Hi U UvulaBob: What's happening? LilBrisket: Kinda slow Toadster: Same old same old Lungflook: Pretty quiet Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man (LONGISH PAUSE) Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas? UvulaBob: No. (LONGISH PAUSE) Lungftook: Well, gotta run. Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung UvulaBob: So long, L (LONGISH PAUSE) PolypMaster: Hi everybody LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster Toadster: Yo, Polyp UvulaBob: Hi, P PolypMaster: What's going on? LilBrisket: Not much Toadster: Pretty quiet UvulaBob: Kinda slow ... And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas. Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that? A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift. Q. That's disgusting! A. Yes. Q. Could you give an example? A. Certainly Born2Bone: I want you NOW HunniBunni: I want YOU now Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes HunniBunni: Yes! YES! Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes HunniBunni: OH YESSSS (LONGISH PAUSE) HunniBunni: Is something wrong? Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere HunniBunni: I'll do it Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your... HunniBunni:Copious bosoms? Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them! HunniBunni: YES! Born2Bone: Both of them! HunniBunni: YESSS!! Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties! HunniBunni: You already did. Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness! HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!! Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas? Born2Bone: No HunniBunni: No Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness! HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION! Wazootyman: Hey, thanks HunniBunni: Not you Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ... HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst? Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ... YOUR... HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh? Born2Bone: Yes HunniBunni: My passion persimmon Born2Bone: Ha ha! HunniBunni: You promised! Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON! HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES! Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!! HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!! Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ... HunniBunni: Like what? Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ... HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!! Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE! HunniBunni: What did you say? Born2Bone: Whoops HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate? Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ... HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!! Born2Bone: Tipper? HunniBunni: Whoops Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet? A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day. Q. Like what? A. Barry Manilow. Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow? A. There's a forum for everything. Q. What happens on these forums? A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months. Q. Just like junior high school! A. But even more pointless. Q. Are there forums about sex? A. Zillions of them. Q. What do people talk about on those? A. Barry Manilow. Q. No, really. A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding. Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet. A. Indeed it is. [/QUOTE]
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