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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 3487045" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong>June 1</strong></p><p>I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.</p><p><strong>June 2</strong></p><p>This girl was ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won.</p><p><strong> June 3</strong></p><p>This girl was ugly. I took her to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail.June 4</p><p>This girl was ugly. I took her to the beach. The tide went out and stayed there.</p><p><strong> June 5</strong></p><p>I tell ya, this girl was fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging. I told her, "You're standing on my foot!"</p><p><strong> June 6</strong></p><p>I tell ya, this girl was no bargain, she was fat. When she walks backwards, she starts beeping!</p><p><strong> June 7</strong></p><p>One girl turned me down, she told me she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, I'd be finished by then!</p><p><strong>June 8</strong></p><p>Last week, I had a bad experience. I went to a nude beach. They kicked me out. Yeah, they told me it's impolite to point.</p><p><strong> June 9</strong></p><p>Oh, with my wife, I gotta watch myself. When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.</p><p><strong>June 10</strong></p><p>Ah, one thing in football don't make sense. The two-minute warning. What's the big warning? Everyone knows you have two minutes to play. To me a two-minute warning is ... like when you're in bed with a chick. The phone rings. It's her husband on his car-phone. He says, "Honey, I'll be home in two minutes." That's a two-minute warning!</p><p><strong>June 11</strong></p><p>Oh, my wife told me she needs five thousand dollars - all her mother's teeth have to come out. I told her, "I'll give you ten thousand dollars - take her tongue out!"</p><p><strong>June 12</strong></p><p>I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm ugly - he told me to lay on the couch - face down!</p><p><strong> June 13</strong></p><p>Just remember - it's lonely at the top ... when there's no one on the bottom!</p><p><strong> June 14</strong></p><p>I like southern girls. They talk so slow, by the time they say no - I made it already!</p><p><strong>June 15</strong></p><p>Aw, nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer - there was a worm in it!</p><p><strong> June 16</strong></p><p>Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home!</p><p><strong> June 17</strong></p><p>Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery - I cut up her credit cards.</p><p><strong>June 18</strong></p><p>Oh, my wife and I, we have our own arrangement. Yeah, one night a week I go out with the boys. And one night a week - SHE goes out with the boys!</p><p><strong> June 19</strong></p><p>I saw a girl at the bar, I told her, "You're a cute chick - how would you like me to be the rooster?" She told me to go cluck myself.</p><p><strong>June 20</strong></p><p>My trouble is - my sex life is on hold - and I got no one to hold it!</p><p><strong>June 21</strong></p><p>I got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom - he wants to learn how to beg! He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead!</p><p><strong>June 22</strong></p><p>I can't lose any weight, I tried jogging - I keep running into restaurants!</p><p>J<strong>une 23</strong></p><p>Oh, when I have sex with my wife, I always have a mirror in the room. Yeah, I put it under her nose to see if she's breathing!</p><p><strong> June 24</strong></p><p>My anniversary I made a toast - to the best woman a man ever had - the waiter joined me!</p><p><strong> June 25</strong></p><p>Oh, my wife signed me up for a bridge club - I jump off next Tuesday!</p><p><strong>June 26</strong></p><p>I'm getting old. I got no sex life - why, if I squeeze into a parking space I'm sexually satisfied!</p><p><strong>June 27</strong></p><p>Oh, I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places!</p><p><strong>June 28</strong></p><p>I got no sex life. At my age - I need a designated lover! </p><p><strong>June 29</strong></p><p>My wife and I, we have an off and on relationship. Yeah, every time I get on - she tells me to get off!</p><p><strong> June 30</strong></p><p>Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 3487045, member: 14320"] [B]June 1[/B] I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. [B]June 2[/B] This girl was ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won. [B] June 3[/B] This girl was ugly. I took her to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail.June 4 This girl was ugly. I took her to the beach. The tide went out and stayed there. [B] June 5[/B] I tell ya, this girl was fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging. I told her, "You're standing on my foot!" [B] June 6[/B] I tell ya, this girl was no bargain, she was fat. When she walks backwards, she starts beeping! [B] June 7[/B] One girl turned me down, she told me she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, I'd be finished by then! [B]June 8[/B] Last week, I had a bad experience. I went to a nude beach. They kicked me out. Yeah, they told me it's impolite to point. [B] June 9[/B] Oh, with my wife, I gotta watch myself. When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. [B]June 10[/B] Ah, one thing in football don't make sense. The two-minute warning. What's the big warning? Everyone knows you have two minutes to play. To me a two-minute warning is ... like when you're in bed with a chick. The phone rings. It's her husband on his car-phone. He says, "Honey, I'll be home in two minutes." That's a two-minute warning! [B]June 11[/B] Oh, my wife told me she needs five thousand dollars - all her mother's teeth have to come out. I told her, "I'll give you ten thousand dollars - take her tongue out!" [B]June 12[/B] I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm ugly - he told me to lay on the couch - face down! [B] June 13[/B] Just remember - it's lonely at the top ... when there's no one on the bottom! [B] June 14[/B] I like southern girls. They talk so slow, by the time they say no - I made it already! [B]June 15[/B] Aw, nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer - there was a worm in it! [B] June 16[/B] Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home! [B] June 17[/B] Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery - I cut up her credit cards. [B]June 18[/B] Oh, my wife and I, we have our own arrangement. Yeah, one night a week I go out with the boys. And one night a week - SHE goes out with the boys! [B] June 19[/B] I saw a girl at the bar, I told her, "You're a cute chick - how would you like me to be the rooster?" She told me to go cluck myself. [B]June 20[/B] My trouble is - my sex life is on hold - and I got no one to hold it! [B]June 21[/B] I got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom - he wants to learn how to beg! He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead! [B]June 22[/B] I can't lose any weight, I tried jogging - I keep running into restaurants! J[B]une 23[/B] Oh, when I have sex with my wife, I always have a mirror in the room. Yeah, I put it under her nose to see if she's breathing! [B] June 24[/B] My anniversary I made a toast - to the best woman a man ever had - the waiter joined me! [B] June 25[/B] Oh, my wife signed me up for a bridge club - I jump off next Tuesday! [B]June 26[/B] I'm getting old. I got no sex life - why, if I squeeze into a parking space I'm sexually satisfied! [B]June 27[/B] Oh, I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places! [B]June 28[/B] I got no sex life. At my age - I need a designated lover! [B]June 29[/B] My wife and I, we have an off and on relationship. Yeah, every time I get on - she tells me to get off! [B] June 30[/B] Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst! [/QUOTE]
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