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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 3376234" data-attributes="member: 14320">PREGNANCY Q's & A'sQ. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?A. In your breasts.Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?A. Yes, baby lips.Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.Q. How does one sanitize nipples?A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.Q: Should I have a baby after 35?A. No, 35 children is enough.Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?A: Yes, your bladder.Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.Q. What is colic?A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why?A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question?Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.Q: How long is the average woman in labor?A: Whatever she says divided by two.Q. What are night terrors?A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.</blockquote>