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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064469116" data-attributes="member: 14320">Freddies ErectionFreddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penisare not working and there's nothing he can dounless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.Hesitant Freddie asks about the procedure and the doctor explainsthey take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk,insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex againis even more frightening, so he says ok.The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks laterhe gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".Freddie takes his wife out to dinner to celebrate. While at dinner Freddie starts feeling anincredible pressure in his pants.It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants,rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket,and disappears back into his pants.His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says,"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."_________Five reasons not to be a penis:1) Your head is bald forever.2) You live between two nuts.3) An asshole lives behind you.4) Your best mate’s a cunt.5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.AN ODE TO ORAL SEXFOR THE GIRLSPenis breath, a lover's dread,Is what you get when you give head.Unpleasant as it tends to be,Be grateful that he doesn't pee.It's times like this, you wonder why,You bothered reaching for his fly.But it's too late, can't be a tease,Accept the facts, get on your knees.You know you've got a job to do,So open wide and shove it through,Lick the tip then take it all.Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.Slide up and down, use your tongue.And feel the precum start to run,Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,So when the hell's he gonna cum?Just, when you can't take anymore,You hear your lover's mighty roar.And when he hits that real high note,You feel it oozing down your throat.FOR THE BOYSSalty, fishy, sticky stuff,Okay already, that's enough.Let's switch you say, before you gag,And what revenge, you're on the rag!Eating out and chowing down,but tonight I'm not out on the town.Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,well at the least it tastes like fish.Time to overcome my fears,as she drags me down there by my ears,to feast upon her hairy pie,where pubes and stubble jab my eye.She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.Don't lick too low, move up a bit,got to be careful or I'm in the shit.Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,the things I do just for a poke.Up, down and right a bit,where the hell does she keep her clit?I'll never find it here like this,fanny design just takes the piss.To find my way around her twat,I'll need a torch and miners hat.I think my tongue is failing me,Christ I hope she doesn't pee.I've been licking her minge for years.I wish I could breathe through my ears.God I hope that she comes quick,since my neck's developing a crick.I'm sweating like I've got a fever,under the covers, eating split beaver,I must have hit the right spot at last,cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,her thighs clamp tight around my head,and her screams scare the neighbors out of their bed.She's coming at last and making a racket,her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,that my mouth is full of fish flavored hair.And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batterand juices that taste like a seafood platter.But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.</blockquote>

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