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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064419393" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">5 Questions Most Feared By Men:</span></strong></p><p></p><p>1. What are you thinking about?</p><p>2. Do you love me?</p><p>3. Do I look fat?</p><p>4. Do you think she is prettier than me?</p><p>5. What would you do if I died?</p><p></p><p>What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to</p><p>explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells</p><p>the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed</p><p>below, along with possible responses.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">____________________________________________________</span></strong> </p><p></p><p>Question # 1: What are you thinking about?</p><p></p><p>The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,</p><p>dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,</p><p>intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."</p><p></p><p>This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most</p><p>likely is one of the following:</p><p></p><p>a. Baseball.</p><p>b. Football.</p><p>c. How fat you are.</p><p>d. How much prettier she is than you.</p><p>e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who</p><p>once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be</p><p>talking to you."</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">_______________________________________________</span></strong> </p><p></p><p>Question # 2: Do you love me?</p><p></p><p>The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in</p><p>order, "Yes, dear."</p><p></p><p>Inappropriate responses include:</p><p></p><p>a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.</p><p>b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?</p><p>c. That depends on what you mean by love.</p><p>d. Does it matter?</p><p>e. Who, me?</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red"> ____________________________________________________ </span></strong> </p><p></p><p>Question # 3: Do I look fat?</p><p></p><p>The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"</p><p></p><p>Among the incorrect answers are:</p><p></p><p>a. Compared to what?</p><p>b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.</p><p>c. A little extra weight looks good on you.</p><p>d. I've seen fatter.</p><p>e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would</p><p>spend the insurance money if you died.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">____________________________________________________</span></strong> </p><p></p><p>Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?</p><p></p><p>Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"</p><p></p><p>Incorrect responses include:</p><p></p><p>a. Yes, but you have a better personality </p><p>b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner </p><p>c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age </p><p>d. Define pretty </p><p>e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would</p><p>spend the insurance money if you died.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red"> ____________________________________________________</span></strong> </p><p></p><p>Question # 5: What would you do if I died?</p><p></p><p>A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette</p><p>and a boat").</p><p></p><p>No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up.</p><p>Questions usually along these lines </p><p></p><p>WOMAN: Would you get married again?</p><p>MAN: Definitely not!</p><p>WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?</p><p>MAN: Of course I do.</p><p>WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?</p><p>MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.</p><p>WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)</p><p>MAN: ( makes audible groan )</p><p>WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?</p><p>MAN: Where else would we sleep?</p><p>WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. </p><p>WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?</p><p>MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.</p><p>WOMAN: ---- silence -----</p><p>MAN: Shit.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Things A Guy Doesn't Want To Hear On A Blind Date:</span></strong></p><p></p><p>*I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.</p><p>*Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.</p><p>*Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.</p><p>*That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.</p><p>*Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?</p><p>*This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?</p><p>*Turn here! That looks like my husband's car ahead.</p><p>**You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.</p><p>*I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?</p><p>*Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my diaper.</p><p>I'm twelve!!</p><p></p><p></p><p>Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says, “Would you like to see my new puppy?”</p><p>The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.”</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he was released from prison?</p><p>A: "I feel like a kid again."</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p>Michael Jackson pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding</p><p>a bag full of sweets, he says: "Hey kid, if I give you a piece</p><p>of candy, will you come in my car?"</p><p>"Heck Michael, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p>Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little</p><p>boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.”</p><p>“Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me</p><p>smash your old useless dick with a hammer.”</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Kenny, Stinko Drunk</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he</p><p>often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.</p><p></p><p>He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.</p><p></p><p>When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed</p><p>wearing a long flowing white robe.</p><p></p><p>"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my</p><p>bedroom?".</p><p></p><p>The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".</p><p></p><p>Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to</p><p>live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me</p><p>back straight away".</p><p></p><p>St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We</p><p>can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but</p><p>knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent</p><p>back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and</p><p>clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until</p><p>he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.</p><p></p><p>The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how</p><p>are you enjoying your first day here?"</p><p></p><p>"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside</p><p>like I'm about to explode".</p><p></p><p>"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never</p><p>laid an egg before".</p><p></p><p>"Never" replies Kenny</p><p></p><p>"Well just relax and let it happen"</p><p></p><p>And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops</p><p>out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and</p><p>his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the</p><p>first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was</p><p>overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best</p><p>thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!</p><p></p><p>The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he</p><p>felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife</p><p>shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!</p><p></p><p></p><p>An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,</p><p>likes to jack off the young men she loves,</p><p>she will use her bare fist,</p><p>if the fellows insist,</p><p>but she really prefers to wear gloves.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Bill And Harry</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.</p><p></p><p>She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"</p><p></p><p>The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.</p><p></p><p>Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"</p><p></p><p>Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">======</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.</p><p></p><p>Afterwards,the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.</p><p></p><p>"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."</p><p></p><p>The guy paled.</p><p></p><p>"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"</p><p></p><p>"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">================</span></strong></p><p></p><p>My missus, back when we were young,</p><p>Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung;</p><p>When asked how it ripped,</p><p>She replied as she stripped,</p><p>"Doc, that fella I just married is hung!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064419393, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]5 Questions Most Feared By Men:[/COLOR][/B] 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. [B][COLOR="Red"]____________________________________________________[/COLOR][/B] Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you." [B][COLOR="Red"]_______________________________________________[/COLOR][/B] Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? [B][COLOR="Red"] ____________________________________________________ [/COLOR][/B] Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. [B][COLOR="Red"]____________________________________________________[/COLOR][/B] Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. [B][COLOR="Red"] ____________________________________________________[/COLOR][/B] Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up. Questions usually along these lines WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: ( makes audible groan ) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: ---- silence ----- MAN: Shit. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Things A Guy Doesn't Want To Hear On A Blind Date:[/COLOR][/B] *I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone. *Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in. *Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention. *That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone. *Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen? *This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary? *Turn here! That looks like my husband's car ahead. **You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator. *I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before? *Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my diaper. I'm twelve!! Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says, “Would you like to see my new puppy?” The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.” [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again." [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] Michael Jackson pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding a bag full of sweets, he says: "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?" "Heck Michael, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!" [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.” “Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me smash your old useless dick with a hammer.” [B][COLOR="Teal"]Kenny, Stinko Drunk[/COLOR][/B] Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Kenny "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!! An agreeable girl named Miss Doves, likes to jack off the young men she loves, she will use her bare fist, if the fellows insist, but she really prefers to wear gloves. [B][COLOR="Teal"] Bill And Harry[/COLOR][/B] Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?" The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?" Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it." [B][COLOR="Red"]======[/COLOR][/B] A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards,the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet." [B][COLOR="Red"]================[/COLOR][/B] My missus, back when we were young, Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung; When asked how it ripped, She replied as she stripped, "Doc, that fella I just married is hung!" [/QUOTE]
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