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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064392738" data-attributes="member: 14320">A Farmer And His WifeThe farmer's wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at whatshe saw in there. Instead of milking their cow, her husband wasstanding with his trousers down at the rear quarter of the bovine andhumping away at it like a mink.Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgustingthing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in thecommunity that you were having sex with the cow!"The farmer, meanwhile, had finished up his task and was slowlypulling his trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmlyreplied, "Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow andI'll tell everyone that it's because the cow is better than you!"-----When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen andliving room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tomonthe couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football allday,she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me dosomething I don't want to do!""Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out ofthis!"*Garden GnomeA customer walks into a lawn ornament shop and tells the shopkeeperhe's looking for a garden gnome of a fairly large size."Sure, take your time," replies the shopkeeper, amiably, "I gotthem in all sizes."The customer looks around and then says, "How much for that uglyone with the fat ass?"The shopkeeper: "My wife is not for sale=======Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?A volcano never fakes an eruption.Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.What's the difference between a young woman and an old woman?A young one uses Vaseline; an old one uses Poli-Grip.What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?A. Butter is difficult to spread.=======A teacher is reading her class the story of Chicken Little, andsays, "Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!The sky is falling!'" She looks at the class and says, "What do youthink the farmer said to that?""I know!" says Rotten Willie. "I'll bet he said, 'Holy fuckingshit! A talking chicken!'"=======A young married couple go to a sex therapist, and the bridepromptly complains, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation!""Is this true?" the therapist calmly asks."Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does."Someone Under My BedEVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM.'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.''How much do you charge?''Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?''He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!’SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER.__________Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for aweek in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a greattime. After they returned home and the men went back towork, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again!Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,'7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife playedblackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bedall night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' andI haven't had a wink of sleep either!"The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wifeplayed the slots the whole time we were there and I wake upeach morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."Third GradersOne day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?""The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?""Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.""Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?""Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."________A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.Hereplies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get itout I'll have a look for you."The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from hisunderpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctorsays, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"</blockquote>

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