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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064376786" data-attributes="member: 14320"> Light bulbOne day the teacher asked the children in class to give examplesof what was not good to put in one`s mouth.little johnny says"It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."The teacher says "that is correct, but why?" littlejohnny answers "I don`t know,but my mom always tells my dad"turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove acurse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me theexact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you manand wife."BillyBob and Rusty are walkin' through the drug store. Rustyturns to BillyBob and asks, "What's the difference between anoral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?BillyBob replied, "I think it's the taste!"A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it."Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like meto push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your bodyall over and make rough love to you." The old lady looks at the phoneblushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from asingle 'Hello?'" Missed Her Period!A fourteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her thatshe has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys apregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl ispregnant.Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig thatdid this to you? I want to know!!"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour latera brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature anddistinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in avery expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sitsin the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, andtells them:"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.However, I can't marry her because of my personal familysituation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I willbequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple offactories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, afactory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time,places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:"You'll fuck her again!!!"Thorn is getting tested for AIDS... the nurse comes back with a sternlook...she sits down and takes Thorns hand... "Sir, I am really sorry, but youtested positive. You need treatment."Thorn gets up and yells "Damnit! That bitch! You can't trust anybody anymore. My own fucking daughter!"Little JohnnyLittle Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer.Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?""Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back."No.""Well, then you're not big enough."Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette."Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again."No.""Well, then you're not big enough."Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies.His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."______A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."______Thought of the Day:Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain,and that's where you get shitty ideas from.EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you withhis applicator.2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat CoverageInterior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down yourthroat.3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard andlie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smileand repeating: "mild discomfort."5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with aCraftsman(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.6. Remove all actual food from the house.7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree andonto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.~* *~»§«~*~»Three guys went to a night club one night.The first guy went in and a dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate itoff. He went back outside really happy. The next guy went in and sureenough the dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off and he wentoutside really happy.The third guy went in and came out really sad. The other two guys askedhim what happened and Wolfy replied,"They put a cheerio on mine!" Three Old LadiesThree old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home,reminiscing.The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers,and demonstrated with her hands the length and thicknessof a cucumber she could buy for a penny.The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much biggerand cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions shecould buy for a penny a piece.Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you'resaying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"_________What happens when you fall in love with:A chef? (You get buttered up.)A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)A gambler? (He cheats on you.)A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)... A trash man? (He dumps you.)A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)An artist? (He gives you the brush.)A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)</blockquote>

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