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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064358106" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Apples</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,</p><p>"Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should</p><p>Cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples</p><p>Are so expensive.</p><p>The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly</p><p>Apples. Here, try one."</p><p>The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the</p><p>Peanut butter but not the jelly."</p><p>The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a</p><p>Sweet jelly.</p><p>The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but</p><p>They're $10.00 each."</p><p>The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow,</p><p>These are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."</p><p>The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and</p><p>A rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.</p><p>The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got</p><p>Some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy</p><p>Apples."</p><p>The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,</p><p>"YUCK, these taste like shit!"</p><p>The farmer says, "Turn it around."</p><p></p><p></p><p>John was in a bar looking very dejected.</p><p>His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,</p><p>"What's wrong?"</p><p>"It's my mother-in-law, " John replied,</p><p>While shaking his head sadly. "I have</p><p>A real problem with her."</p><p>"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has</p><p>Problems with their mother-in-law. "</p><p>"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant." </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Splitting Headache</span></strong></p><p></p><p>I cuddled up to my wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"</p><p></p><p>She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.</p><p></p><p>Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"</p><p></p><p>"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">------------</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.</p><p>"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord...</p><p>"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"</p><p>"It's my four year old son..." the man replied.</p><p>"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting</p><p>in school? - my lad's just the same - forget</p><p>about it, it happens to boys that age" said</p><p>the landlord, sympathetically. " I only wish</p><p>it was that" continued the customer, " but it's</p><p>far worse than that. The little bastard has got</p><p>our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."</p><p>"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord</p><p>"It's not" said the man...</p><p>"the little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">------------</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?</p><p>A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.</p><p></p><p>Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?</p><p>A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.</p><p></p><p>Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?</p><p>A. Thanks for coming.</p><p></p><p>Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?</p><p>A. They have cotton balls</p><p></p><p>Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?</p><p>A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Trays Up</span></strong></p><p></p><p>I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male</p><p>flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting</p><p>and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be</p><p>landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your</p><p>trays, that would be great."</p><p></p><p>I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A</p><p>few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:</p><p>"Ma'am,</p><p>perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you</p><p>to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."</p><p></p><p>She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again</p><p>to put up the tray.</p><p></p><p>She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a</p><p>princess. I take orders from no one."</p><p></p><p>Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called</p><p>a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers</p><p>happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were</p><p>discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.</p><p></p><p>The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane</p><p>and scatter his ashes in the sky."</p><p></p><p>The second man said, "My Ross was into clubbing, so I'm going to</p><p>scatter his ashes on the dance floor."</p><p></p><p>The third man said, "My Paul was such a good lover, I think I'm going</p><p>to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one</p><p>more time."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Perversions</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There</p><p>is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him</p><p>and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink,</p><p>which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries</p><p>of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through</p><p>a divorce.</p><p>"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"</p><p>"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.</p><p>"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he</p><p>says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex."</p><p>"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we</p><p>explore our perversions together?"</p><p>He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing</p><p>neither can go to one another's house because of their estranged</p><p>spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.</p><p>The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time,</p><p>and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation</p><p>of what is to come...</p><p>"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans</p><p>from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears</p><p>his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.</p><p>Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she</p><p>hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt</p><p>getting fastened.</p><p>"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!"</p><p>she complained.</p><p>"We did!" he says, "I just shit in your purse!"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Men's Three Rules Of Getting Old</p><p>1. Never pass a bathroom</p><p>2. Never waste a hard-on</p><p>3. Never trust a fart</p><p></p><p>Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my</p><p>son move?</p><p>A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.</p><p>Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex?</p><p>A: They can't teach their pussies to spit.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064358106, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Apples[/COLOR][/B] A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should Cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples Are so expensive. The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly Apples. Here, try one." The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the Peanut butter but not the jelly." The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a Sweet jelly. The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but They're $10.00 each." The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, These are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese." The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and A rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth. The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got Some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy Apples." The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like shit!" The farmer says, "Turn it around." John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law, " John replied, While shaking his head sadly. "I have A real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has Problems with their mother-in-law. " "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant." [B][COLOR="Teal"]Splitting Headache[/COLOR][/B] I cuddled up to my wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?" She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely. Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute" "What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?" [B][COLOR="Red"]------------[/COLOR][/B] Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave" asked the Landlord... "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth" "It's my four year old son..." the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? - my lad's just the same - forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically. " I only wish it was that" continued the customer, " but it's far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant." "Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord "It's not" said the man... "the little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms" [B][COLOR="Red"]------------[/COLOR][/B] Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common? A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff. Q. What happens when you kiss a canary? A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease. Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving? A. Thanks for coming. Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex? A. They have cotton balls Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park? A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Trays Up[/COLOR][/B] I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!" Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was into clubbing, so I'm going to scatter his ashes on the dance floor." The third man said, "My Paul was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time." [B][COLOR="Teal"]Perversions[/COLOR][/B] A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. "You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?" He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down. Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained. "We did!" he says, "I just shit in your purse!" [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] Men's Three Rules Of Getting Old 1. Never pass a bathroom 2. Never waste a hard-on 3. Never trust a fart Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my son move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex? A: They can't teach their pussies to spit. [/QUOTE]
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