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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064357061" data-attributes="member: 14320">Yoga StyleTwo old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexualactivities.The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she wasable to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night shegot totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legsbehind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, asshe was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rockedherself backwards until she finally got it behindher head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flippedslightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up inthe air.Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom."Gladys!" he exclaimed,"For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in!You look like an asshole!!"Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?A: They both have little Black Boxes.Q: Why don't blondes water ski?A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?A: Cos they go and answer the fucking door.Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"Q: How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear!Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?A: The blonde - she is eighteen.Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?A You shine a flashlight in her ear.Near DeathOl' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at thattime, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"===========A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"===========A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"Jamaican FishermanA poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood, and his possessions. He was trudging around the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared - a Jewish one."Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you, my boy?"The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes."Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins," the genie said."Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women.""No problem," said the Genie.POOF! The Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie-there's always a string attached.There was a blonde and she bought a brand new Convertible Porsche. She was driving along and she hit a guy's diesel. The man got out burning with anger. He pulled the blonde out of the car got a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the road and put the blonde in the circle and told her to stay in that circle. Then he got back in his diesel and ran over the blonde's new Porsche several times. Then when he got back he saw that the blonde was laughing. He asked:” why are you laughing? I just ran over your car”. The blonde said,"I got out of the circle 3 times".A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And, no doubt, you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, No!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!" "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you." If God Was A Woman....1. Sex would smell like chocolate2. Farts would smell like roses3. Dogs would smell spring fresh4. Babies would come from vending machines5. Men would be born with a permanent erection6. All women would have the same size breasts7. There would be no cellulite8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch10. There would be no "Hooters"11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation inHawaii!13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle14. Men would come with software to be custom designed15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location bywife16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instantverification of truth17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell thedifference between six inches and three inches18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on thecheek20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and said, "my house is onfire!"The man on the phone said, "Well, can you tell me how we get there?"She said, "Duhhh!!! In the big red trucks!"How can you tell a woman is really ugly?A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.</blockquote>

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