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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064332749" data-attributes="member: 14320">Mike and Jenny are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her with one arm,and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, hesees a policeman approaching. "Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !""What did ya expect ?" Jenny says, "A perm?"gggQ.: What should a guy do when her girlfriend forgets to take her birthcontrol pills?A.: Give her a good tongue-lashing.Q.: How can you tell if a pig is in heat?A.: She buys the first two rounds.Q.: What do you call a woman that does everything you want in bed?A.: Your girlfriend.. ..just don't tell your wife.Have you seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?Let me see your driver's license and I'll show you one.definition of desperationTeeth marks on the toilet door.There are many ways to say I love you,but screwing is the fastest.Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.Q: If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day,….what do single guys have?A: Palm Sunday.Q: What do lesbians need to get married?A: A licker license.gggJim and Fred are at the local discussing the respective sex lives"Well," says Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with fuckin' the samehole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering' for a bit ofvariety."Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know,turn her over every now and again?"Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"Diagnostic MachineThis guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that's been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he's been dying to try it out on his first patient.He says to the guy "not only will this thing tell you what's wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top.The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray. The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, "you have tennis elbow".The guy says, "that doesn't make sense. I don't even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me..."At this point the doc interrupts and says, "nonsense, this device doesn't lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don't forget to bring another urine sample with you."The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit. He then has an idea. Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it. He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution. Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake."There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!"Next A.M. he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine. This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: "Your wife's pregnant, your daughter's fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don't quit spanking your monkey you'll never get rid of this tennis elbow!"A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."“Dr. Smith.” Said the woman in a very deep voice, I – I hate to say it, but I thing you overdid it on the hormone pills.”“Don’t worry,” the doctor assured her. “A deep voice is a natural development. It will only last a few days.”“But I’ve also noticed hair on my chest,” she said.“Really? And how far down does it reach.”She replied, “All the way to my balls.”Morris And SadieMorris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying."I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've beenhaving an affair with that chippie secretary in youroffice. Why would you do that to me? Haven't Ialways been the good wife? I've cooked for you,raised your children, and I've always been by yourside for thirty-five years. What haven't I done tomake you happy?"Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie,you've been the best wife a man could hope for.You make me happy in all ways but one. You don'tmoan when we have sex!"Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex,you'd stop running around?!All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I,too, can moan during sex!"So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, andclimb beneath the sheets.As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?""No not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie."What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?""No, I'll tell you when!"He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse."Is it time for me to moan, Morris?""Wait, I'll tell you when."Moments later, in the heat of passion, secondsbefore reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!""OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at themhomo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country. with men marryin' men, andwomen marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out thereand protest! Don't you think so?"She replied, "Yes, Daddy."</blockquote>

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