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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064314852" data-attributes="member: 14320">THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY!TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIENDDuring the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean7 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot15 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just laid there8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you moveTO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons youdidn't get more than you did:5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat36 times you did not come home at all21 times you didn't cum33 times you came too soon19 times you went soft before you got in38 times you worked too late10 times you got cramps in your toes29 times you had to get up early to play golf2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls4 times you got it stuck in your zipper3 times you had a cold and your nose was running2 times you had a splinter in your finger20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TVOf the times we did get together:The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwingthe sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, whatI said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"The time you felt me move was because you farted and Iwas trying to breathe.Blow Job EtiquetteWHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.5. My ears are NOT handles.6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care aboutthe protein content.14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easierthan licking a dead fish.3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.8. At least there is no damner of a dick bleeding in your mouth.9. Play with the balls.10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?</blockquote>

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