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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064296535" data-attributes="member: 14320">Signs Found In The Kitchen*So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!*Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!*I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.*If you write in the dust, please don't date it!*I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!*A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.*My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!*I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.*If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.*Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.*It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.*A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.*A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!*Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.*Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.*Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.*My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.*I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.*Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.*Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!=====Sex PillsThere once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying."What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"Bad DayIt was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decidedto change the admittance policy. The new law was that, inorder to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer ofa day when you died. The policy would go into effect atnoon the next day.The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gatesof Heaven.The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptlysaid to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell mehow your day was going when you died.""No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floorapartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked.She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover wasnowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance outonto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hangingoff the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well,I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers untilhe fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landedin some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn'tdie. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went backinside to get the first thing I could get my hands on tothrow at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought ofwas the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out ontothe balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummetedstories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment wasso great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."The Angel sat back and thought a moment.Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"and let him in.A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said,"Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what yourday was like when you died.""No problem," said the second man. "But you're not goingto believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floorapartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lotof pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve mystress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, andaccidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able tocatch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out ofhis apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes atthe bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move,and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push hisREFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It fallsthe 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finisheshis story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinksto himself."Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdomof Heaven," and he lets the man enter.A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. Theangel says, "Please tell me how you died."The third man says,"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hidinginside a refrigerator...."</blockquote>

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