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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064295271" data-attributes="member: 14320">A Blonde MomentA blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over tothe clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot andcold things cold.""Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" sheasked."Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold thingscold," she replied."Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?""Two popsicles and some coffee."========Yo' momma's so fat, she fell out of bed one night androcked herself to sleep trying to get back up.Yo' momma's so fat, she goes to the beach and sells shade.Yo' momma's so fat she went to a restaurant, looked atthe menu, and just said "OK."========Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy barafter another.After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, youknow eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,rot your teeth, make you fat."Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"BatteriesA young lady goes to a store and says to the salesman,"I need some batteries for my vibrator."He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."She says,"If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."_______A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks"Are you wearing crotchless panties?""Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile."Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight! Bad/Good To WorseBad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.Worse: You're in it.-Bad: Your children are sexually active.Worse: With each other.-Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.Worse: He looks better than you.-Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.Worse: She's a lawyer.-Bad: Your wife's leaving you.Worse: For another woman.-Bad: You can't find your vibrator.Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.-Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.Worse: She implicates you.-Good: Hot outdoor sex.Bad: You're arrested.Worse: By your husband.-Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.Bad: In bed.-Good: You came home for a quickie.Bad: Your wife walks in.-Good: You go to see a strip show.Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.-Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.-Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.Bad: She's eleven.-Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.-Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.Bad: You live downtown.-Good: Your wife's kinky.Bad: With the neighbors.Worse: All of them.-Good: Your wife is pregnant.Bad: It's tripletsUgly: You had a vasectomy five years ago-Good: Your son is finally maturingBad: He's involved with the woman next doorUgly: So are you-Good: Your son studies a lot in his roomBad: You find several porn movies hidden thereUgly: You're in them-Good: Your son is ****** someone newBad: It's another manUgly: He's your best friend-Good: Your daughter got a new jobBad: As a hookerUgly: Your workmates are her best clientsWay Ugly: She makes more money than you do</blockquote>

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