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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064294707" data-attributes="member: 14320">****** DON'TS FOR GUYSThere are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few thingsNOT to say on a date..."Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?""No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good tomix alcohol and penicillin.""I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn'thurt to consider it.""I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used tobe I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.""It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people Idate just won't be as smart as I am.""Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwearhit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses couldrun that fast.";-): ~) ;-): ~): -)Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf ofbread.Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of breadin one hand and the other hand is in his pants pocket.Along come Father Guido and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to teach something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see, Little Johnny, that youhave the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."My Best FriendA man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartenderpours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's theproblem?"After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife inbed with my best friend."'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?""I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack herstuff, and get the hell out.""That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your bestfriend?""I looked him right in the eye and yelled, 'Bad dog!"_______Two gay men are beach walking, holding handswhen a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10",120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and notan lines!!!The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly,and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women likeher that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"Watch The BuildersLittle Martin is four years old. One day while he waspestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go acrossthe street and watch the builders work, maybe you willlearn something."Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, hismother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied -"Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son ofa bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock suckerdown. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each sideand put the mother fucker back up."Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him toask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin toldhim the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside andget me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked, Dad. That'sthe electrician's job."~~~~~For months the loving newlywed had asked his bride to givehim oral sex, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties neverworked, for the blushing bride was simply too innocent andinexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let aloneattempt it.But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and onenight his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes and asked,"How was I, sweetheart?"He looked back at her and said, "How the hell should I know?- I'm not a cocksucker!"Bath TowelA woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. 'Who was th at?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?'()()()()()A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bagBloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. He says "I would shoot herbelow the left nipple" Bloke says "I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!"Whats the difference between PMS and CJD ??One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night""Aww did you ?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?""No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neighbors were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!.............Jammy cunt.A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"</blockquote>

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