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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064287749" data-attributes="member: 14320">Voodoo PenisA business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knewhis wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, sohe thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied whilehe was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started lookingaround. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for somethingspecial to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behindthe counter. He explained his situation.The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments,and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied forweeks, except---" and he stopped."Except what?" the man asked."Nothing, nothing.""C'mon, tell me! I need something!""Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The VoodooPenis.""So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old woodenbox, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, andthere lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said"Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." Hepointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to thedoor, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildlywith the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quietonce more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo andthat to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny andremembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said"Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch andstarted pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd everexperienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she becamevery exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, butit was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out,but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shutit off.Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quiveringwith every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intenseorgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this andimmediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then askedhow much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "Ihaven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this VoodooPenis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in anarrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."The rest is history.I've Learned.....I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are justassholes.I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they aremore screwed up than you think.I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you'refinished.I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we arecelebrities.I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is atfirst, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money totake its place.I've learned that 99 percent of the time when something isn't working inyour house, one of your kids did it.I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken fromyou too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.I've learned to say "Screw'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it.Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit1. What is the best thing about ****** a homeless woman?You can drop her off anywhere.2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.4. Where does virgin wool come from?Ugly sheep.5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?It isn't hard.6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?Call her from your cell phone.New Medications For Women OnlyDAMNITOLTake 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.ST. MOMMA'S WORTPlant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolersunconscious for up to six hours.EMPTYNESTROGENHighly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancingthememory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't waittill they moved out.PEPTOBIMBOLiquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before anevening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improvesflirting.DUMBEROLWhen taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting inenjoyment of country western music.FLIPITORIncreases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and theurge to flip off other drivers.PENISCILLINPotent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such linesas,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"BUYAGRAInjectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency andduration of spending spree.Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALlWhen combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzyso severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or abook by Dr. Laura.JACKASSPIRINRelieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,anniversary or phone number.ANTI-TALKSIDENTA spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager toshare their life stories with total strangers.SEXCEDRINMore effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have aheadache" syndrome.NAGAMENTWhen administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagginghim all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing itherself.Why Men Get Out Of Bed:A recent survey was conducted to discover why men getout of bed in the middle of the night:5% said it was to get a glass of water.12% said it was to go the toilet.83% said it was to go home.</blockquote>

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